I’ve been in my recovery program for under seven years. I don’t pretend to think I know it all. Every time I think I’m gliding smoothly down the river, like I ‘got it’, my Higher Power sends me an insight showing me that it isn’t so at all. These past couple of weeks it’s all been about surrender. Once again I was reminded that the river is still long and I am far from the end.
I don’t adapt to change easily. I would really like stuff to stay the same way it always has been. It’s working, so why fix it? Things are moving along fairly balanced. Life is good. I live my life peacefully and work my program. I’d like it to stay that way.
In reality, I have a very short memory. It hasn’t always been working and smoothly flowing. Perhaps the last month or so, but, no. There have been plenty of challenges in the last year and it’s only recently that I have been able to sit down and think about what I’ve been through. Probably the biggest life change is finding myself single again. I’ve learned that I can and will get through anything and everything in this life. I have a Higher Power and it’s still there helping me through.
So I guess I can adapt and do so in such a fashion that I don’t recall the state of upheaval I was in six months ago. I can thank the program, my sponsor, friends and family. Writing this blog has been a new way to channel the energy and feelings I have dealt with. Opening my home to visitors and widening my circle of friends and acquaintances has changed my focus off of myself and onto the world at large. I was told early in my recovery that working with others would take my mind off of my small world and my challenges. Service will keep you sober! It has.
One of the solutions for me has been surrender. I had to let go of all of the old definitions of myself, just as I did in Steps Six and Seven. I had to be reminded this year that I am not my past, nor am I my defects of character. I can surrender them, let them go. As I recently read, it’s not necessary to analyse and investigate in order to understand the rocks that weigh me down. What’s important is that I drop the bag of rocks so that I can move on.
Probably the most significant aspect of all of this, of living and working the steps of recovery is not putting conditions on the outcome of who I am becoming. If I have really put my life and my will into the care of my Higher Power, then how can I dictate to my Higher Power what the new Tim will be like at the end of the process. I must let go of any preconceived idea or condition and learn to trust. I trust the process of the twelve steps and I trust my Higher Power.
I am grateful.