Solutions

A Forever Change

/ Tim / Leave a comment

I receive daily emails from several sources that focus on self development, further education and spiritual growth. Some I read religiously. Others I only check out if the excerpt sounds interesting. Many titles begin with promises of renewal and change. Others list a certain number of steps or items for success in whatever they are promising, should you follow them. I know that there are many ways of changing one’s self to achieve greater success and achievement in as many aspects of our lives. But I feel that many of these articles fail in mentioning one important point: in order to take on a “better version of yourself”, you must also be willing to let go of the old version.

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Most of us lead very busy and full lives. We’re working, looking after our children and families, doing household chores, all of which keep us alive, though not always living a life we would like to live. It’s easy to fall under the spell of ‘Three Ways to Simplify Your Day’, or ‘Finding Peace and Contentment in the Fury’. We pick and choose what is offered and try some of these suggestions in our lives. However, a month or so later we’re back doing things the old way because these suggestions just wouldn’t work in our lives. Or so we think.

I have learned over the past years that if I wish to move forward in my life, I have to let go of the old: there just isn’t room for the newer version of ‘Tim’ if the old one is still around. It’s easy to say but not easy to do. You see, I kind of like the old version. I am used to it. I know how I react to things. I know that it takes time to get used to new stuff but I am too entrenched in the old self to really give the 2.0 version of me a chance. As a result I tell myself that this ‘didn’t work’, or it’s ‘not for me.’ But that’s not really true. It like I am trying to implement a new operation system in my computer while still running the old software: it won’t work.

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What does work for me is letting go of the old, trusting in the process of change. I stop trying to put great expectations on the results and just enjoy the journey. When I first got into recovery everything was new, enticing and also overwhelming. I learned that I had to look at myself differently, as a person in recovery. I had to let go of my former version for the newer one in, get used to it, live with it and get comfortable with it. Hanging around in a bar with my old drinking buddies would not have kept me on the straight and narrow. I had to let go of the me I knew to make room for a new me that was emerging. Putting your dirty clothes back on after taking a shower, you’re still going to smell. Recovery wouldn’t work if I was holding onto my old self while trying get comfortable in my new skin. And I had to trust that the process I was going through would work for me as it had for literally millions of other folks, but only if I gave it an honest chance. And to do that, I had to say good-bye to the ‘me’ I was, and welcome the new whoever that might be.

Change is only possible when we make room for it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small thing such as changing your bedtime, or a life shifting change in profession. We have to let go. We must let go. Otherwise we are bound to fail. Ensure a successful transition to the newest version of ‘You’! Move forward and leave the old behind. Say good-bye to who you were to make a ‘forever’ change.

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Starting With Me

/ Tim / Leave a comment

I was told from a young age that having both Irish and Dutch roots, I would be doubly stubborn. I’ll let those around me decide if that is true or not. For my part, I do know that I haven’t always agreed with the status quo and have tried things just a bit differently. I wasn’t a trail blazer, but did things my own quiet way and I lived a lifestyle that differed greatly from my family’s. I was different not just to be different because the pressure to conform was great. However, I knew that I wouldn’t be happy living the way that was ‘expected’ of me.

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In both career and lifestyle I chose my own path. It wasn’t without it’s challenges and I am sure that part of the pressure that I felt led me down a dark road that, fortunately also led to the doors of a recovery program a little over ten years ago. And also fortunately, I was not told how be or act, but was given suggestions that I was free to follow in order to begin living life on a more balance keel. These ‘suggestions’, the twelve steps of recovery, were up to me to follow and implement in my life at my own pace. I was still quite stubborn and this way of applying the program suited me well. And while I am hardly the poster boy for recovery, I have learned to live life on life terms, one day at a time.

I think that recovery has worked for me because it isn’t forced: nothing used to arouse me more than telling me what I ‘had’ to do. This is the philosophy of ‘attraction, rather than promotion’. I was given suggestions, the members shared their own experience, strength and hope, and I could take it or leave it. There is a lot of wisdom in this philosophy, with a far greater reach just that of sobriety.

Gandhi told us: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” You can’t force people to change, but you can give them the option of living life another way. Telling people what to do rarely works. Showing them how to do something has a much better chance at success. Letting others see what you are doing and how you are living allows them to make a choice. If, indeed, the changes that one makes in their life are attractive, others will follow suit and make similar changes in their own lives.

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I know there are a lot of problems facing the world: economics, climate change, and health challenges have such far reaching effects that as a rather stubborn individual, I have little chance of making any impact upon. In truth, few people ever do. However, I can live the changes I would like to see in the world. I can put out my recycling. I can live a healthier lifestyle. I can respond with kindness and compassion to situations. I can share. It may not seem like much to pick up one bottle off the street when there’s litter everywhere, but I am living my beliefs. And I am making my little part of the world just slightly better. Perhaps your neighbour will see what you have done and decide to help. Even if that neighbour doesn’t change, I have still made my world, and therefore, the world a whole, just an iota better than is was yesterday.

I can’t control what others do. I have learned that my circle of control has a radius that only stretches a few centimeters beyond the tip of my nose. I can’t tell people what to do or how to do it: many are just a stubborn as I am and just as intransigent to change. But they may be attracted to make a change when they see positive results in others. Demonstrating changes and offering suggestions won’t instantly move the world but it does make a small difference. And if the only difference is a little less stubbornness and a bit more peace of mind, then that’s fine with me.

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Slip, Slide or Thrive

/ Tim / 3 Comments

I came to a realization this past week: I’ve let go of many of the things that keep my life stable, balanced and smooth. I’d let go of the things that keep me physically, mentally and spiritually sound.

It’s sort of like when you stop looking after your car. You don’t bother with an oil change. You put water into the radiator instead of coolant. Those filters really don’t need to be changed, they’re fine for now. The brakes squeak a bit, but they still work. The effects of not maintaining the car usually aren’t sudden. Maybe it takes a few more cranks to start the car than before, or braking time is lengthened. Perhaps the exhaust contains more hydrocarbons than before, but I wouldn’t know about that because, well, it a slow process and I’m not aware of it. One day, the car fails to start, or stop, because maintenance, regular maintenance, is necessary to it’s function.

For me, it started about seven or eight months ago. I came back from a short vacation and the friend I always went to the gym with decided he was too busy to go and so I stopped going too. There was always next week. Then, somewhere along the line, I stopped getting up earlier and meditating because I thought I wasn’t getting enough sleep. I stopped reading enlightening and educational material and focused more on Netflix and YouTube for my entertainment. I stopped blogging and I let go of journaling.

I visited my family for the month of December, knowing that I would have plenty of time to get back to, at least, meditation and reading, but somehow I let myself be distracted by social media, the news and spider solitaire. I did buy a new book for journaling, but no words were written into it. I also let my eating habits include loads of sugar because, well, I’m spending Christmas with the family for the first time in 20 years.

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When I returned home in January my clothes weren’t fitting as well as they used to. I made the effort to go to the gym and committed myself to a minimum of three workouts a week. In fits and stops I have started a morning meditation, I’ve done some journaling and I am working on getting back to a comfortable sleep pattern. I am nowhere near being back to what was my ‘normal’ way of life, but I am working on it, and it’s getting better.

A human has three very important facets in its being: physical, mental and spiritual. All of these function together whether we realize it or not. Letting one facet get out of balance affects the others and though these effects are subtle, like the car that isn’t maintained, they happen none the less, resulting in a slow spiral downward. For me, my moods became darker, my emotions more volatile and my motivation pretty much got up and walked out the door.

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I am grateful that I didn’t go further down the dark path I was starting to get used to. I know that it is the work that I have done on those three important facets of my life in the past that reminded me that my life didn’t have to be this way. Personal maintenance my not always be easy, it takes a lot of self discipline to do the work in the gym and diet, to commit to a daily writing, meditation and educational practice, but I know that it is the difference between just existing and really thriving in life.

Physical, mental and spiritual health are not separate. They work together. It’s my choice whether or not to commit to the practices that are best for me. I know which I prefer. I know how I wish to feel about my body, my mind and my soul. I’m working my way back onto the pathway I wish to trudge in this life.