Author: Tim

Without a Worry

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We suffer more in imagination than in reality…Most of the things that we’re anxious about, that we torture ourselves about, that we dread, that we catastrophize in our head—they never actually end up happening. Sure, bad stuff does happen in life, but our nightmares are usually worse than reality. Don’t suffer unnecessarily. Don’t borrow suffering from the future.” Ryan Holiday

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It’s been said that 95% of what we worry about never happens. We fret, procrastinate and hide rather than face whatever might come along. And when it finally comes to pass, we realize that it wasn’t as bad as we thought it might be. While I think it is a good idea to be prepared for the worst, we don’t have to live as if the worst has happened. How much of our time is wasted thinking about and living with the idea that things aren’t going to go my way? And there we have it, Ego putting in its two cents worth of advice: my way.

How many people live their lives in a constant dither of worrying about what is going to happen or what someone might say or think? Then the thing happens and if it does go badly then they fall into self pity and let that waste their time. And even if it goes well, they second guess and bemoan that it should have been better. How many times do we imagine a catastrophe, pre-live it in full colour detail? It happens. And then we relive it over and over for the next hours, days or weeks? Let me ask you: did you really have a bad day or was it just ten minutes that weren’t so great that you milked for pity for the next 23 hours and 50 minutes?

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As much as possible I try to live in the present, the gift of now. Ego doesn’t like me this way. When I am in the present, aware and observant of what is around me, not making comments, comparisons or judgements, there is no room for Ego. Anger and resentments keep me in the past. Worry and fear keep me in the future. And they are all Ego driven: not having gotten, not getting and might not get my way. When I am living in the present, there is no my way, there is only what is, the here and now.

I think that when I am doing service for others I am in the same frame of mind. I am not thinking about what is in it for me, but how I can assist the community. When I am doing something with love, I place no conditions or expectations. And when I am grateful, I lovingly share with others what I have been given. There is no Ego in this, only the deep seated sense of contentment and fulfillment. My way has been transformed into Our way.

Do I succeed in living my life this way everyday? No. I often spectacularly fall way short of what I had hoped for. I have learned though, that this isn’t failure because I have learned something along the way. Yes, things aren’t always going to go perfectly, but I don’t have to fret and fear so much before hand that I fulfill my own expectations. It really isn’t the end of the world until it’s the end of the world. I don’t have to make my life miserable and cause suffering to others as well. It’s all in my mind anyway: there’s nothing real here, only imagination. Suffering in life really is optional. Besides, I have survived everything that has happened to me so far in life. Chances are pretty good that I am going to survive whatever happens next, and I may get a good story out of the deal!

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Ryan Holiday is a modern follower of Stoic Philosophy. The Daily Stoic morning email from his website is one of three that I always read because it almost always has something that is relevant. Stoicism was never a religion, though it sounds like it could be a heresy that the Inquisition would have pursued, but an approach to living, like Taoism. Much of the writings of Greek and Roman stoics are filled with practical wisdom that we can use on a daily basis. Ryan has authored several books, Ego is the Enemy, The Obstacle is the Way along with The Daily Stoic. Check out the website if you haven’t yet done so.

The Service Road

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I am not sure when I first saw a photograph of Queen Elizabeth II walking out on the moors of Scotland wearing a dowdy looking oil-skin coat and a headscarf. I was taken aback. I thought, until then, that the Queen would always be regally crowned, wearing her robes with her scepter close at hand. My thoughts about royalty, peerage and social class has changed over the years, but one thing that has not is my admiration for her commitment to her role as Queen. I can think of no finer example of a person who has lived a life of service to others. Hers was a less traveled, less popular road but she was always guided by her commitment to service. Her life is a challenge to all of us to work toward a life of service.

Why should I, or anyone, live a life dedicated to service? What’s in it for me? What will I get out of it?

These questions strike at the very reason why service is so important. Service gets ‘me’ out of the way. When I came into recovery I was told very early on; ‘service will keep you sober.’ Whether it was putting out books, washing coffee mugs or even sharing at meetings, I was being of service. I was getting out of my ‘self’ and into a collective understanding of things. My addiction was a result of an overactive Ego. I wasn’t much, as the saying goes, but I was all I ever thought about. When I was helping others I stopped, even just for a moment, thinking about me, my situation, my problems. I was thinking about the people around me.

No man is an island.

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No one, absolutely no one, can live alone. We by our very nature need a mother and father and we need care for the first years of our lives. Even the hermit who lives is a cave relies on others. How long would one survive alone? Robinson Crusoe had Friday and Tom Hanks in Cast Away had Wilson. We all need someone because despite how much one might detest others, we are social creatures. I want to do more than simply survive in this life; I want to thrive. I can’t do so without others and other’s need me as well. It’s a two-way street. Together we can go further, arrive at better decisions and become much more than we ever could alone.

Service to others, to individuals or to the community helps me to learn my strengths and my weaknesses. I can learn and teach when I am of service. It is more than helping or doing for others. It is being there when they need a hand yes, but it is also allowing others to help me too. I have said before that while the saying is, “It takes a village to raise a child,” it also takes a village to maintain an adult and help them to thrive.

Service serves humility

Humility is often confused with humiliation. I was taught early on that humility was stating what is; the truth without exaggeration nor denigration. Humility keeps my ego tamed. Every time I find myself angry, resentful or fearful, I can always trace it back to my Ego and the desire to have things my way and not the way they are. I believe that service helps to keep me humble and reminds me that life it not all about what I want. I meet my own needs by helping to meet the needs of the community as a whole.

I also believe that service helps me to develop self-appreciation, a facet of humility. In helping someone with a project, teaching others or allowing them to teach me a new skill, in offering an honest opinion, or receiving criticism, I can learn to love, honour and value myself. In this way, service to others is also service to me: the community of which I am a part, will continue to learn, grow and develop.

Queen Elizabeth is but one model of service that we can find in our world today. We don’t have to go far in own communities to name others who are as committed and duty bound to serving others: a teacher who puts in extra hours tutoring or coaching, the nurse who also volunteers at a local hospice, the members of Big Brothers and Big Sisters. Each may have their own reasons for doing their work, but the result is the same: a community that is a little bit better off than it would be without their service. It’s a road that we all should walk down. As the Beatles have been reminding us for almost 60 years now, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Together we can trudge that road of happy destiny.

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I just finished Michael Singer’s latest book, Living Untethered. This is his long awaited follow-up to his other books, The Untethered Soul and The Surrender Experiment. I was struck by one of his conclusions about the purpose of life. It is not to find happiness, to live in peace or to have all your needs met. Nor is our life’s purpose to gain fame, fortune and recognition. It is to be of Service. I encourage you to seek out his books.

Opening the Door to Change

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When I was still in the throws of my addictions I only had a faint idea of what I was really doing to myself; the physical, emotional and mental harm I caused, not only to me, but those who cared about me. Part of that is because I spent most of my time seeking out and planning out the next ‘party’ and part of it was because of my ‘buddies’ at the time. I hung around folks who acted like me and thought like me. One of the first ‘suggestions’ I received in recovery was to step away from those people, places and things that were part of my life that I wished to leave behind; close that door and open a new one. Simple enough advice, but why did it take decades to realize it?

In order to change how I was living, I had to change how I was living.

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I replaced my barstool for a chair in a meeting room and changed what I thought about by listening to and reading recovery literature. I started to listen to others in recovery. I started to talk to others about what I was going through. I helped out with cleaning up after the meetings and did some socializing with the new people I was meeting. I got myself an excellent sponsor and I began to study the Twelve Steps of Recovery with him. Over the course of the next six months I changed a great deal. The change was gradual, almost imperceptible to me, but very obvious to those that I hadn’t frightened off in the previous years. I changed my perspective, what I was looking at, and everything changed.

G.I.G.O.: Garbage In: Garbage Out…..or…..GOOD IN: GOOD OUT!

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Every one of us is the direct result of what we put into our bodies, minds and spirit. Western society’s fixation of fast cheap food had pushed obesity to the extreme. You simply can’t have a healthy body if you continue to put unhealthy food into it. Same with the mind. If you want a healthy mind, be aware of what you are putting into it. What are you watching, reading, listening to? Who are your buddies? Where are you spending most of your time? As the saying goes; tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are!

It takes mindfulness, conscious action and a determination to build the life you want to have. I used to put the cart ahead of the horse. I thought that if I had x, y, and z then I would be happy. I have discovered that happiness is the result of living according to my values and principles. Happiness is the realization that I am living right. When I am happy, the x, y and z will come to me, or, more likely, I will discover that I while I may ‘want’ those things, I really don’t ‘need’ them.

Yes, I had to leave my old buddies behind when I came into recovery. I found new ones who honoured my recovery and who helped me along the way. I let the old buddies know where I was and what I was doing and left the door open for them to come through but made it clear that I had no intention of walking back through that door and onto my old barstool. And as long as I continue to pursue new ‘Good’ to put into my body, mind and soul, I know that I will continue to move forward in life.

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The ‘Tim’ of the past is gone.

One of the most profound lessons I had to learn in recovery was that I had to let go of the ‘Tim’ that I knew in order for a new person to emerge. This is a lesson that I repeat daily, asking my Higher Power to ‘relieve me of the bondage of self’: to free me from my ego’s enslavement. If I wish to continue to grow today I must shed the old skin of yesterday and I do that by being mindful and aware of the people, places and things I’m spending my time with. Only by this daily renewal do I continue to move forward in this incredible journey of discovery that is life.