acceptance

I AM ENOUGH!

/ Tim / 1 Comment
Morrie Schwartz

I think a lot of people beat up on themselves, punish themselves emotionally because they’re “not good enough” or they haven’t done enough. They berate themselves for not living up to their own or somebody else’s expectations or for not having taken a different route in life or for not getting better grades in school or a better job . . . . Once you get into that state of mind, you continue to be mean to yourself and hurt yourself in ways you may not even be aware of. It’s very important to be kind and loving to yourself. You’re the only self you’ve got, so to speak. Befriend yourself in the same way you feel compassionate and gentle with other people. If you practice the principles of grieving, accepting, and forgiving yourself, you will be making a start in that direction. –Morrie Schwartz

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It is so easy to find fault with ourselves. Many of us have a PhD in Self Incrimination and Degradation. We could’ve, should’ve and would’ve ourselves into self hatred and loathing. And in so doing, we mark ourselves as losers in the game of life. This sense of not being good enough can affect us mentally, spiritually and even physically. In the same way that emotional stress and worry can cause ulcers, medicine can now demonstrate that there is a direct connection between how we think about ourselves and our overall physical health. Auto-immune diseases, heart disease, and even cancers have been shown to have a psychological component. And once we let ourselves slide into the abyss of self-deprecation, the challenge to rise out of it is formidable.

I’ve heard from a young age that ‘to err is human.’ and it’s true. I cannot be right 100% of the time. It’s impossible. There’s no way that I can know all of the variables that create perfection. It’s important to give yourself a break. You can’t do it all and you can’t win every time; you really are only human. One my favourite definitions of success reminds me I only need pick myself up off the ground one more time than I’ve fallen in order to finish the hike. So forgive yourself. Give yourself a pass on this one, stand up and move forward.

“Expectations are not results.”

Every scientist tests a new theory with experiments. Sometimes the results confirm the expectations of the scientist, and sometimes they disprove the theory. I’ve learned to plan for the best outcome and at the same time keep myself aware that my expectations may not materialize. If something didn’t work out as expected, that is a reflection of the process, not on me personally. And then I can change what I’m doing because I know that the last way didn’t cut it. Would we still be in the dark if Thomas Edison stopped his light bulb experiments at 9,999 attempts?

“I am enough!”

I have this written on my washroom mirror. It is a reminder that I am fine, just the way I am. I am not the work I do or the people I know. I don’t need anything else today. The mirror artistry is a powerful suggestion from Marisa Peer, a hypnotherapist from Britain. Much of her teaching is based on the truth that many people mistakenly believe that they fall short in some way or other. “I am enough” is a reminder to me that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone else or even to myself. Yes, “I am enough“, just as I am!

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Saying it once, isn’t sufficient. We have to say it over and over to reinforce this new belief and to destroy the old tracks that say otherwise. These recorded tracks that have been in place for decades don’t rewrite themselves overnight; scratch the record enough and it can never be played again. That’s why we need the constant reminder to reinforce this new attitude because we all, despite the challenges of the day, deserve a break. And a greater sense of self-worth can do a great deal to maintain and help heal us physically, mentally and spiritually. Enough with the regrets. We can give ourselves the benefit of any doubt.

Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. You really are Enough!

Emergence

/ Tim / 2 Comments

Slowly, very slowly, the world is rediscovering itself. We have gone through over a year of quarantine, lock-down and isolation. This is one of the few, perhaps the only news items that has touched literally every continent, country and county on Earth. More people on the planet know about Covid 19 than know about the Pope, US president or, dare I say, Cher. As a result, I believe that nothing will have a greater impact on those of us who have lived through this than any known global event. It has changed us in so many way. For me, one thing is certain: this has changed our social relations forever.

There has always existed distrust of others, especially strangers. It’s a protection mechanism that’s wired into our DNA. We hold back initially, until we feel more secure. However, now there is a fear of being physically close to people, even people we know because they ‘might’ be carriers of this virus. People’s anxiety levels have risen. In an effort to keep ourselves informed, many of us have become over informed and have heard so many opinions that we don’t know where to turn. This has been a year that has upended so many social conventions and regular norms that our social emergence and rediscovery will be long. It will take a long while before we can feel comfortable again in our own skin, let alone being close to the skin of others. We have spent a year looking only into the eyes of people that we see on the street, in the shops and at work. We’ve often had to guess the reactions of others from only the upper part of their face. Many times I realized that the polite smile I was offering to people on the street or in the grocery store was shielded by my facemask.

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I know I am not alone in the feeling that my personal space has been ‘violated’ more often this year but that’s because my sense of what is a ‘proper distance’ has changed. People we would have given a hug to in the past now receive a polite nod, an elbow bump, perhaps a bowing reverence. We screen who we allow into our homes. We screen places where we must enter asking ourselves if they really have ‘disinfected’ the place and wondering exactly how they did it. Do I have my facemask on correctly, have I sanitized my hands with washing or alcohol? I can’t imagine the challenge for parents of young children who are want to touch and lick almost everything they see. I’m sure some children think their real name is ‘Don’ttouch’ and ‘Keepoff’.

As time has passed most of us have come to terms with the health precautions and we have adapted ourselves to what we consider our own personal level of risk. While I haven’t returned to being the hugger that I used to be, I do hug some people who are close and with whom I feel a level of comfort. And I am perfectly fine with others choosing their own level of comfort. It’s a very personal and family choice. While I don’t feel it’s yet time to get rid of the masks, it’s not my job to go about policing others in their choices. Most of the members at the gym I attend do not wear a facemask while working out. It’s not mandatory here. The staff has opted to wear masks and so have I. And that is okay. If it really bothers me, I have the option of not going to that gym. I don’t have to impose my will or what I think is the ‘correct’ thing to do. Same thing at our twelve step meetings. We sit ‘socially distanced’ and it’s up to the individual whether or not they choose to wear masks. It’s not up to me to judge the actions of others. My opinion is not necessary and not necessarily wanted.

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I suspect that even after we receive the ‘all clear’, if we ever do, there will be people who will continue to wear a facemask when out in public. That is their choice. It wasn’t that uncommon to see a person in the streets wearing one before the pandemic. How we greet others in the future will probably not go back to the effusive hugs and kisses for most people either, which for some will be a great relief anyway. Our sense of personal space will also be much greater for many years to come, especially when meeting someone new.

Give people time to adjust to their new sense of what’s right, appropriate and comfortable, even with families and close friends. Our sense of trust has been altered, perhaps for the next generation. We will need to be sensitive to the needs of others and learn to pick up on new social cues as to what others are comfortable with. It’s probably a good idea to ask before lunging in for a hug. If you’d like a hug, ask for one.

Humans need physical touch to thrive. These past 14 months have put a great strain on everyone, all around the world. It’s going to be a long while too before we adjust to these changes in how we relate to each other in this new emergence into post-Covid living.

Enlightened Acceptance

/ Tim / 1 Comment

I have read many books and articles on enlightenment. And there are so many ideas as to what ‘enlightenment’ really means and how to get there. For some it is achieving a sense of Nirvana or having some sort of ‘mystical’ experience. Some see it as achieving ‘persistent non-duality’ where we are ‘one’ with everything and the self, or ego, is subsumed by the spiritual. Teachers suggest that it’s achieved by certain methods of meditation, or yoga, or chanting. Others say that we need to dig deep into ourselves and remove all that is untrue until we arrive at truth. Every guru, every religion seems to have a unique way to attain enlightenment, often at the expense of the teachings and practices of others.

Enlightenment: The Age of Reason

In looking at the word itself, ‘enlightenment’ I believe that it is a lot simpler than much of the information I have consumed over the years. It simply means allowing more light onto a subject. History refers to the 17th century as the Enlightenment because of it’s focus away from the magical thinking and onto the intellectual practices to arrive at truth which swept away the cobwebs of the middle ages. The latter part of the 20th century began an new enlightenment in a return to the spiritual aspects of our lives, turning away from the material excesses. Eastern mysticism and spirituality came to the west, and Western beliefs in democracy and economics moved east. A movement of the pendulum back to the centre.

“If I could define enlightenment briefly I would say it is “the quiet acceptance of what is.”

Wayne Dyer

I really like Wayne Dyer’s definition of enlightenment. And I think it is what we are all called to be: human adults who quietly accept the who, what, when, where, why and how of the present situation. It’s not pretending to be someone from our past or anticipating who I might become in the future. It is being in the present, using the power of this moment to find peace and know that at one’s core being all well and there is serenity. It means that I have ‘light’ in my life. It also means that I can change to allow even more light into my life.

Dyer used the same definition for enlightenment as I use for the word ‘humility’: the quiet acceptance of what is.

Are humility and enlightenment the same thing then? Quite possibly.

We often mistakenly equate humility with humiliation. They are not the same. Humility is a state of being, a character trait if you will. Humiliation is an emotion, an abasement of our pride. Humility is a character trait that I seek to cultivate in myself. And, if I truly know and accept where I am in life, nothing can humiliate me. If I really know myself, then I am solid upon the ground. I accept where I am in life.

However, Enlightenment, Humility and Acceptance do not demand that we must stay where and how we are in life. In fact, I think it is a challenge to improve. When I know how little I know, I am challenged to find out more. If I see that my lifestyle is not providing the health that I want in life, I am challenged to make changes in what I eat and how I exercise. If my financial situation is below where I would like it to be, I can alter my earning and spending beliefs. But I can’t make any of these changes if I don’t first ‘know’ how things stand at the present moment in time. The proverbial ‘light bulb’ comes on and we see exactly where we stand. We become ‘enlightened’.

That is why Enlightenment is the acceptance of how things are. It is the first step on a new journey to greater knowledge, greater understanding and infinite wisdom. It is a journey that I can work at every day and is, therefore, not a state of being or a moment in time. I became enlightened when I realized that teaching at an elementary school was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my working life. I became enlightened when I started a small business and grew it from the ground up. I became enlightened when I ended a relationship that was no longer nurturing to either of us. I look at my sobriety as a gift of enlightenment. And I can be enlightened by the little things in life too, like walks with the dogs, a sharing of like minds, or a new experience. All of these contribute to my own enlightenment journey; they add a bit more ‘light’ of knowledge, understanding and experience to where I am standing today.

Enlightenment is a process that takes time and patience as well as humility. It is part of my ongoing journey of becoming just a little bit better version of myself today than I was yesterday and for that, I am grateful.