surrender

Living Change

/ Tim / Leave a comment

If I don’t change, I won’t change.  

How often in life have we not liked a situation or circumstances and done nothing about them? Perhaps it was a job, a relationship or a where we were living that wasn’t working out. Oh, we could and did complain.  We complained about the boss, the spouse, or the neighbourhood to whoever would listen. However, a situation never resolves itself unless something changes.

When I find myself in an intolerable situation I have two of choices. I can either do nothing and hope that somehow it will get better, or I can make the change I want to see. I used to be a master at the first option.  I let it slide.  I’d tell myself it really wasn’t that bad.  I would hope that things got better, I would ignore it. I’d use it as another reason to escape into my addiction.  I saw myself as a victim of circumstances or of other people. Rarely did I do anything about it because that would involve me making changes.  It’s amazing how we can learn to accept even the most intolerable conditons rather than make a change.

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.”

Often I don’t make a change because I fear that if I make a change things will get worse instead of better. This attitude can be traces back to the idea that we must accept our lot in life.  I think serf and slave owners fed us that work ethic. We saw ourselves victims of fate or karma about which we had no control.

Or when we saw others making changes in their lives we focused on their failures, or the amount of effort it took to make the change.  We didn’t think we had the necessary abilities or talents to accomplish something similar in our lives.  Probably nothing has held us back more than social pressure.  “Don’t rock the boat,” we were told.  The pressure to conform and be similar to everyone else in our group was too difficult to break away from.  We would be all alone if we did something different. No, we had no choice but to keep with the status quo.  Or so we thought.

What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.

One of the things I have learned in the past few years in recovery is that I can survive anything.  I know because I have.  I have gone through some difficutlt times in sobriety: ending relationships, changes in health, income shifts, moving to a different country.  I have survived each major challenge and I believe, learned from each one.  Yes there is fear of the unknown.  Yes there are obstacles.  Yes river is riddled with rocks and eddies. And yet here I am. I have always and will always survive whatever comes my way until I don’t.

I know that I have a connection to something greater than myself.  I have come to the conclusion that the next right thing for me to do is what I do.  There is no right or wrong. There are only options.  Sometimes I like the outcome and sometimes I don’t.  But I am making changes, I am learning, I am moving beyond my fears.  If my Higher Power loves and cares about me then I know I can trust whatever comes my way.

I embrace change. Sometimes, I admit, it’s about as whole-hearted as hugging a porcupine, but I do it anyway.  I know that life is change and nothing stays the same. Oh, I can fight the current, thrash away to keep myself from going through those rapids ahead, but eventually, I will have to go through what lies ahead.  Why not save the energy and trust.  My fear tells me there is only one possible outcome: disaster. False! There are many possible outcomes to every situation.  I am learning that I get through the rapids much quicker if I let the current take me.

Faith will move mountains, but bring a shovel.

I choose to rely upon my Higher Power.  I choose to move forward. I choose change over stagnation.  I will do the work to move ahead and to grow.  I trust.  I am the change I wish to be.  I may not always be successful by the standards of the world around me,  but I’m learning and for me, that’s what this life is all about.

♥  ♥  ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well.  My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays.   Please comment and offer suggestions.  I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

 

 

Living the Program

/ Tim / Leave a comment

I am an addict.  It doesn’t matter what substance I used, how often or how long I used it, or how long it’s been since I’ve used it.  I am and always will be an addict. I am grateful that I have some time in my program, but I must always be aware that I am just a couple of bad decisions away from a crash and burn.  I know from hearing others in meeting rooms how easy it is to slip up and what can happen if I do go out again, and it won’t be pretty.  I have never heard of someone who came back to their program talk about how wonderful it was while out there using or drinking again.  “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.”(Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 30) This idea must be crushed and obliterated from my mind.  My ego tells me I can be different from everyone else.  Experience, my own and others, warns me that I am not.

It’s not sobriety that has brought about the changes in my life. It’s the spiritual awakening that is the result of working and living the 12 steps. Not drinking and not using may mean that I am sober and clean.  But they don’t give me sobriety. In my early thirties I stopped on my own once for about five years. But I wasn’t really sober: I was fighting against my desires to escape life.  I really wanted to have a beer with friends, a glass of wine with dinner or share a joint, but I knew I shouldn’t.  And I wasn’t the nicest person to be around because I still had all of the ego charged character traits that I always did, only now they weren’t being softened by that gentility of the first pipeful or shot. My recovery was missing something.

That something, I believe, was the spiritual experience, or awakening.  A psychological shift in thinking that has allowed me to surrender, stop trying to control everything, and realize that I was the greatest threat to my existence.  I was drowning in the river of life and still trying to swim upstream.  If I wanted to really live, I had to understand that when it came to certain things, I was completely powerless.  If I just stopped thrashing about, I could at least float with the current.

Surrender on this existential level wasn’t that hard. There really wasn’t much left to give up. I had lost my dignity and self respect.  I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.  My liver was enlarged and who knows what other physical problems I was on the verge of encountering. I had alienated most of the people around me and was finding comfort in gloomy establishments with people who were living much like I was. My life was circling the bottom of the toilet bowl. Somehow I still had enough sense to see that I was on the path of losing myself. So in spite of my misgivings and preconceptions of what recovery was all about, I showed up at a local meeting and took my place at the table.

I understand that I was ready to surrender, to try something else because my way wasn’t working.  A friend of mine calls it his Gift Of Desperation.  I was powerless and I couldn’t manage my own life.  That was my first baby step into the program.  The eleven remaining steps helped me to recover and slowly brought me about to a more awakened state of being and opened me to a relationship to a Higher Power.

My life today is changed from what it was before.  My sobriety today is of a different quality than I had when I quit solo for five years. It is different because I work at living a twelve step program. I know that this is a lifelong process, and it is one I do willingly because I like the changes in my life and my being.  Today I like who I am and I can look at my reflection in the mirror without cringing.  The changes in my life are not because I am put down the bottle or the pipe. They are a result of working all twelve steps of the program and awakening to the spirit.   I am finally enjoying the trip down the river.

♥  ♥  ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow the blog as well.  My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays.   Please comment.  I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

 

The Vulture’s Tale

/ Tim / Leave a comment

Things happen.  Sometimes we say it’s for a reason, sometimes we say it is serendipity, sometimes we say it’s a message from on high.  I have my own thoughts about this.  Regardless of what you or I might think about this, it happened.

I was sitting at a meeting, somewhat distracted and I happened to look outside.  The building is a “rancho”, a roofed structure supported by poles and basically open on the sides. There’s an incredible view of the jungle from here and, although hidden by the trees, the ocean is less than a kilometer away.  There are always birds, butterflies and monkeys in the area and often iguanas racing across the roof of the building, scratching the tin as they go.  Dogs and roosters often wander by and into the building.

As I said, I was distracted, not paying attention to whatever was going on in the meeting when I saw a vulture land upon the dead branch of a tree less than 50 meters away.  Not an uncommon sight here.  Vultures are always gliding around, soaring on the winds sniffing out their next meal, and sometimes stopping and resting, often in the same tree.

This time, something different happened to the vulture.  A few seconds after he lit upon it, the branch broke!  As I said it was a dead branch.  Its bark had fallen away and the termites or ants must have weakened it to the point of barely supporting its own weight.  The remaining structure couldn’t support the creature’s added weight.

Branch and vulture began their fall.  Then with a flurry of black feathers and flap of wings, the vulture took flight and let go of the branch.  It fell to the jungle floor and the vulture flew off to soar again and find another place to rest and await its next meal.

There really is nothing overly significant to what I witnessed.  A bird landed on a branch, it broke, the bird let go and flew off.  Probably not the first time it happened either. What struck me as significant is that the bird let go.  I was reminded of the many times I held onto thoughts, ideas, principles and opinions long after they were viable, believable or tenable.  I hung onto the branch and let it pull me down.  Had I let go of it, I too could have flown off to find other branches to rest upon.  How often do I hang onto friendships, jobs, beliefs or habits that are holding me back, pulling me down and preventing me from reaching my potential?  Why do I cling to a relationship that is decaying and that is weighing me and pulling me down?  Yes, perhaps at one time, these thoughts, ideas, dogmas had vibrancy and life, but no longer.  I must learn to recognize that it is over.  I may have sat on that same branch many times and it held my weight.  But no longer, that branch is going down and will take me with it if I don’t let go.  Let go. Surrender. Trust.  All these are part of my process of change in recovery.

I’m no different than most, I don’t really like to change.  I’d prefer to hang onto what I know and what I think works.  But the truth here is that things come to an end I must let go lest I lose myself in the process.  Vultures are regarded in many cultures as sacred emissaries to the gods: gold and jade amulets are often found with their images. My Higher Power speaks to me in many manners, and it usually isn’t a burning bush or being struck down off my ass by a bolt of lightning.  What I need to learn is set before me to take in, or not.  This may have been nothing more than some footage for Animal Planet for some, or perhaps a hint to go on a diet.  For me, it was a lesson taught by the humble vulture and it has made a significant impact on my thoughts.

 

♥  ♥  ♥

Please share if you think this blog can help someone.  Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, etc. or good ol’ copy and paste.  I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow the blog as well.  My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays.   Please comment.  I’d love to hear from you.

At the suggestion of a reader I have added a new page to the blog:  Recovery Resources. Here I have links to AA, NA, Al-Anon and other helpful resources for those just starting their journey as well as those who are already enjoying the river. I have also added a Google Translate link to the site on the right sidebar if you prefer to read this or share this in another language.   Let me know of your thoughts and possible additions that might be helpful.

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace.