God

A Journey to Belief

/ Tim / 1 Comment

In Step Two we come to believe in a power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity. As with all the steps, it’s a process that takes some time. I still had a belief in ‘something’ when I came into recovery. I can’t say that I could have articulated exactly what I believed, but there was something ‘up there’ I figured. It certainly wasn’t the god I was raised with, and I was very relieved that the program allows me to believe in a god of my own understanding.

When I started to come out of my self-induced haze I had to admit that I hadn’t been doing all that well in the running of my life. And here were some folks who were telling me that they had turned things around in their lives and that part of that was a believe in a Power greater than themselves. I couldn’t argue with the results they were telling me about. And by the time I arrived at recovery’s doorstep I really was ready to give it a shot. After all, I was told, I didn’t have to believe in the god I was made to believe in, I could choose the god that I came to believe in.

I remember a friends description of his journey through Step Two. Joe was an atheist. He couldn’t accept that there was some sort of a god up there somewhere doing stuff to us and allowing all of the bad stuff to happen. As Joe tells it, when he was five, his grandfather, for whom he is named, died. He and his Papa had a very special relationship. At the funeral the priest said that God had called his Papa to be with him in heaven. What Joe heard was that God had stolen his grandfather away.  What a mean and selfish God. At that point, though he was very young, Joe stopped believing in God, gradually, with time, declaring himself an atheist.

Through the journey of life, Joe became an addict and alcoholic and eventually found himself coming into a rehab centre and recovery. He was having a great deal of trouble with Step Two.  During one of his discussions with his sponsor he shared his experience of his grandfather’s funeral. “What would you say to this god if you had the chance?” asked his sponsor. And Joe began to rail against this god who took is Papa away from him. “You sure have a lot of hate and anger against something you say you don’t believe in,” said his sponsor.

Joe was stunned. He couldn’t deny that what his sponsor had just called him on: he must still believe in some kind of a god if he had such strong feelings toward him. And that was enough to open the door for Joe. He continued to work with his sponsor and had come to a strong belief in a god of his own understanding. He came; he came to; he came to believe.

Thank you Joe G.

 

 

Letting Go

/ Tim / 1 Comment

I’ve been in my recovery program for under seven years. I don’t pretend to think I know it all. Every time I think I’m gliding smoothly down the river, like I ‘got it’, my Higher Power sends me an insight showing me that it isn’t so at all. These past couple of weeks it’s all been about surrender. Once again I was reminded that the river is still long and I am far from the end.

I don’t adapt to change easily. I would really like stuff to stay the same way it always has been. It’s working, so why fix it? Things are moving along fairly balanced. Life is good. I live my life peacefully and work my program. I’d like it to stay that way.

In reality, I have a very short memory. It hasn’t always been working and smoothly flowing. Perhaps the last month or so, but, no. There have been plenty of challenges in the last year and it’s only recently that I have been able to sit down and think about what I’ve been through. Probably the biggest life change is finding myself single again. I’ve learned that I can and will get through anything and everything in this life. I have a Higher Power and it’s still there helping me through.

So I guess I can adapt and do so in such a fashion that I don’t recall the state of upheaval I was in six months ago. I can thank the program, my sponsor, friends and family. Writing this blog has been a new way to channel the energy and feelings I have dealt with. Opening my home to visitors and widening my circle of friends and acquaintances has changed my focus off of myself and onto the world at large. I was told early in my recovery that working with others would take my mind off of my small world and my challenges. Service will keep you sober! It has.

One of the solutions for me has been surrender. I had to let go of all of the old definitions of myself, just as I did in Steps Six and Seven. I had to be reminded this year that I am not my past, nor am I my defects of character. I can surrender them, let them go. As I recently read, it’s not necessary to analyse and investigate in order to understand the rocks that weigh me down. What’s important is that I drop the bag of rocks so that I can move on.

Probably the most significant aspect of all of this, of living and working the steps of recovery is not putting conditions on the outcome of who I am becoming. If I have really put my life and my will into the care of my Higher Power, then how can I dictate to my Higher Power what the new Tim will be like at the end of the process. I must let go of any preconceived idea or condition and learn to trust. I trust the process of the twelve steps and I trust my Higher Power.

I am grateful.

Through Prayer and Meditation

/ Tim / 1 Comment

For many of us, prayer was something we turned to when all else was failing, nothing was going right and the world was crashing in around us: ‘fox-hole’ prayers. Soldiers under fire, huddled in their dug out trenches asking to get out alive. ‘God, get me out of this and I’ll never drink again,’ or ‘I’ll go to church every Sunday,’ or some bargaining chip that is supposed to entice God to help me in this situation.  As if God can be bought off. Once out of the mess, we rationalize that it would have turned out this way regardless of the prayer bargains and continue on our merry way in life as though nothing happened.

A mentor of mine talks about being jobless, penniless and living in the spare room of a friends apartment for over a year. Over a thousand resumes with custom cover letters had been mailed out and not a single interview.  He was depressed, feeling failure and abandoned. He relates, “I remember that one night when I prayed I said, ‘God, give me something useful to do.’ I didn’t put conditions on it, no time limits, nothing. Within two weeks I had three job offers and I ended up accepting two of them in fields that I never knew I even wanted to work in and which turned out to be very rewarding.”

Some will rationalize that it would have turned out this way  regardless of his prayer. It’s a matter of perspective. What it says to me and the way he interprets this is that he was in complete acceptance and open to whatever his Higher Power would send his way: no conditions, no bargains, no pleas; no restrictions on the outcome. It was a simple prayer, “Give me something useful to do.”

In the eleventh step it is suggested that we pray for two things: “…knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.” It’s pretty simple, but it takes a long time to really ‘get’ it. I don’t have to pray to my higher power for world peace, or to save that baby or to find a job. I pray to know what the next right step is for me and for the strength to take that step. I’m learning to pray without conditions, without terms. I don’t need grandiose terminology or holy words. I need openness and humility. I need willingness to face whatever is before me. I need to show up.

In the Old Testament, I think it’s one of the psalms, the writer says, “Here I am oh Lord. I come to do your will.” Its a simple prayer and pretty close to the one my friend Bob stumbled onto. “Give me something useful to do.” It follows the eleventh step of seeking and carrying out our Higher Power’s will for us. Showing up really is half the battle.  It’s letting go of preconceived results and trying to control the people, places and things around me. It’s being open to whatever happens. It’s allowing the current of the river to take me.

For me, it’s a whole lot easier way to pray and to live. It really is turning my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power, knowing in my essence that this Power has always been there for me in the past, is there now and so, I know that it will always be there for me. Am I there yet? Hell no, but I am on my raft on the river, doing my best to enjoy the ride. And that, I believe, is the whole point of this life.

Thank-you Bob.

Peace.