feelings

There is a Season

/ Tim / Leave a comment

There are times when I want to be loud and boisterous and the centre of attention.  At other times I retreat and I am quiet. Most of the time I am somewhere in between on the continuum of emotion. The past couple of weeks have been ones of retreat and reflection. I’ve been taking it a bit easy physically as I hurt my back and need to rest. I have learned as well that when something happens to me physically, there is always something on the spiritual side I need to take special care of as well. Oh I still do the necessary things and fulfill my commitments, but my interests in other things is not as keen as at other times.

More and more medicine is discovering that the physical disease is a result of how we think and feel. There is no separation between the body and the soul; they are entwined within the self. I’ve heard of the link between worry and stomach ulcers for years. But there’s also plenty of evidence to link depression with heart disease and anger with arthritis. Research is also showing that there is direct result between how quickly one recovers or is cured of a disease and one active participation in the cure.

I believe that my addiction is a direct result of not feeling connected with others and the world. The further I got into my addiction the less I was connected and the more I isolated myself from the world. Therefore it makes sense to me that my actively participating in reconnecting myself to the world around me will result in establishing and maintaining my recovery. The program of recovery is the twelve steps that help us to look at ourselves and bring us out of that self and to make contact again.

So, is my withdrawal from the world a sign of an immanent relapse? Am I going back to older behaviours of isolation? I don’t believe it is. I think it is just my body and spirit taking a break from what is going on about me to reflect on what has happened in the past year or so and to take stock of what worked and what didn’t, to do some introspection and review the lessons I’ve been given. I can use this time to look toward where I wish to go in the future; in order to write the next chapter I need to know what was written before or I’m likely to forget and repeat the same story over again.

To everything, there is a season, we are told. My back will heal and the mental rest will give me a fresh perspective on the next part of life. I know that spring will come. Body and spirit will heal together and trod on this journey.

Write It!

/ Tim / 2 Comments

I doubt there’s a group that makes larger mountains over the littlest of mole hills than people in recovery or those in dire need of it. We have the talent of building things up to greater and greater volumes of _________(you may insert the word ‘crap’ in here if you wish). So much so that it becomes overwhelming. Of course we relapse. Who could shoulder the weight of that mountain of stress?

How does this happen to us? We let it happen by allowing the little stuff to grow in our minds in an uncontrolled manner. If you’re new to recovery, it’s an untrained mind on top of it all. Even an “X” on your yearly coin is no guarantee that your mind won’t race wildly in any and all directions. It was ‘suggested’ to me in early sobriety that I begin a journal where I could write down some thoughts and perhaps see the progress. And like so many good newbies in recovery, I agreed that it was a good idea; and did nothing about it.

I started my journaling project about four years into recovery and have been lightly kicking myself ever since. It has been so worthwhile. Probably the greatest benefit for me has been my writing’s ability to bring the mountain down to size. I discovered that problems swirl and somersault in my mind. There’s often a three ring circus happening, the clowns are chasing after the monkeys and the ringmaster has gone for his lunch break.

Writing forces me to put things down concretely. It makes me seek the correct words for what is happening and how I am feeling. By writing it down, I can see the problem for what it really is, without all the drama that my mind likes to add on. It makes the problem ‘right sized’. Once I really get rid of the clowns and monkeys I am better able to look for solutions. I am able to apply the Serenity Prayer to discover what is within my ability to control and what is not. I can reason out various paths that will help to resolve what is going on in my life. By journaling, I find I am in the solution and not stuck in the problem.

It really doesn’t matter how you do it. Writing in a leather bound book is nice, but a school workbook will do just as well. I also use and online journaling site www.penzu.com that a friend introduced me to not long ago. Here it can be double and triple password encrypted if you feel the need. The important thing is that you get it down somewhere. Start small, just a few thoughts in the morning. It’s also a good way to begin or end your morning meditation. Just Write It!

“The longest journey is the journey within,” said Dag Hammarskjöld. Your journey can begin with a single step and that first step can be a journal.

Peace.

Don’t Forget your Program

/ Tim / Leave a comment

As the end of the year approaches, it seems that time moves faster. There seems so much that needs to be done and little enough time to complete it. It’s just a perception; the earth doesn’t spin any faster this time of year, but we want to squeeze in so much more in a period of 24 hours. My message today is: don’t forget your program.

When things are moving at a fast past it is so easy to let a meeting or two or seven slip by. Once a couple of days goes by and we feel that we’re okay,  we begin to think that if we made a couple of days without a meeting, we’ll be okay skipping another day. Maybe yes, maybe no. I always have to remember that I am just a couple of bad decisions away from a substance. After that, all bets are off. These holidays are tough for a lot of us. We’re dealing with family: the people who have years of experience at pushing our buttons. And we’re dealing with a lot of expectations, ours and those of others. Depending upon where we live, there may be a blast of nasty weather blown into the mix. This time of year, probably more than any other time, is filled with opportunities to do the next right thing, as well as the next wrong thing, especially where our recovery is involved.

I have a friend in the program from NYC. He’s a great guy who works a good program. One of the things he often shares and that stuck with me is this.  He tells it, “When I came into the program I got a lot of very good suggestions. The were all given freely and free for me to use by members who had a lot more time in the program than I did. I took those suggestions. The only ones I had to pay for were the ones I didn’t take.” Work your program, especially when you don’t feel you have time for it. Make being clean and sober your number one priority. If you put your job, or your family or preparing that perfect Christmas ahead of sobriety, you are putting yourself at risk of losing everything, including all your clean time. Failing to heed this suggestion may turn out to very costly indeed.

Somewhere along the line many of us were told to believe that we had to constantly prove our strength and our worth. You don’t have to do that anymore. You don’t need to prove you’re stronger than your substance by putting yourself in harms way or by tempting yourself. None of us is made of stone. Things affect us. You don’t have to lead yourself into temptation. The old standby slogan of H.A.L.T. is especially true this busy time of year: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Make sure that you treat yourself to what you need in your life: Recovery. Let that be your gift to yourself and your loved ones.

Feliz Navidad, Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noël.