change

Leave the Drama Behind

/ Tim / Leave a comment

When I was in my disease it was so easy to be the barstool philosopher, solving the enigmas of the worlds of religion, politics and people. Through tyraids, tears and sometimes both, I fought for my beliefs and ideals in order to create a utopian world. “We need to…” “We ought to…” “I’m going to…” Of course, I needn’t finish the phrases because they were as empty as my resulting actions. Nothing ever came of it. The next morning I would be in such a fog that I would be more interested in an immediate hangover cure, if I remembered anything at all, that is. And soon I would be onto my first of the day and a repeat of the vicious downward spiral I had fallen into.

In recovery I can leave all of that outside drama behind me. Initially, just staying clean and sober was my focus. It didn’t matter what was whirling around in the world, it was all I could do not to start again. I went to plenty of meetings, talked to other members and read our literature. Gradually the drama toned down. Once I stopped, I had money to pay my bills. I did the work I was supposed to do; I started to become a responsible person and my life became more manageable. I slowly began to see that the huge problems I thought were insurmountable were actually a result of my using. The people around me suddenly became more reasonable, even personable. Stop the drugs and alcohol and my life calmed down substantially.

Take away the drama and my life became more balanced. Oh I still have bouts of mania and depression, but the swings aren’t so broad: I’m more centred in my self, my relationships and my world. Things aren’t so extreme. It’s not the ‘absolute best’ or the ‘most dismal failure’. I can look at things in a reasonable perspective and see them for what they really are. If I find myself caught up in the tornado of life, a talk with my sponsor will often help to calm the winds. The Serenity Prayer reminds me of the little I can control and the rest? Well, I’m learning to let go of it.

The suspenseful drama slowly gave way to a melodrama and today it’s more of life adventure. I awaken refreshed most days, ready to face what life offers. I trust that I will make it through whatever comes my way. I know that I have the backing of my Higher Power and my recovery program. I try not to worry about tomorrow or fret about what happened in the past. Live in the moment. One day at a time.

 

/ Tim / 3 Comments

“I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.” — Albert Einstein

The first time I went through Steps Six and Seven I really didn’t have the full grasp of what they meant. It was sort of: ‘I want to be a better person, so make me a better person.” And for the first time through, I was doing the best I could (and I can see now that I still hadn’t been restored to sanity). I sort of thought of these as easy steps after the tough work in Step Four and Five.  However, the first time through I was only focused on my Higher Power removing my defects of character. I really didn’t have much thought about the results: I was focused on my character defects and not on who my Higher Power had in mind for me to become.

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago in working these two steps over again that I began to grasp the significance of these ‘filler’ steps. Filler, indeed! I still struggle with the what these two steps mean for me.

I was pretty happy with who I was. I was finally getting to know who the real Tim was. I had spent so much time looking for self esteem in what others might or might not think about me and now that I had finally got to the point where I knew who I was, I also found out that I had to be willing to give it all up. This for me is the crux of Step Six and Seven: humbly asking to have my defects of character removed so that I can move forward and really become a new creation. In order to do that I have to say good-bye to the old me. It take a whole lot of trust in the program and one’s Higher Power to do that. That’s why for me it’s so easy to slip back into the old standby defects, my old behaviours. They are well known patterns.

I don’t know who the new ‘Tim’ is going to be. However, I see so many positive changes in others. Why would I think that I would be any different? If I can see that my Higher Power has always been there for me in the past, why do I think he will leave me alone now?

Steps Six and Seven are about humility on my part. And they are also about developing trust: trust in my Higher Power and trust in the process of becoming a new me. So far I’d have to say I’m impressed with what’s happening. And so who knows what the future holds. I still regularly take back my old standby defects, but it’s a process that takes time. But, as long as I am willing to give up the old me, the promise of a new me in the future holds true. We will be amazed!

Live Life!

/ Tim / 2 Comments

“What if you don’t like your path?”

“Then it’s not your path.”

Jed McKenna,  Dreamstate: A Conspiracy Theory

I remember when I was a kid there was a great emphasis on finishing what you had started. Even if you didn’t like it, you stuck with it because that is what you were ‘supposed’ to do. Quitting part way through was the lazy way out, a defect of character. This went for college course choices, job choices and relationship choices. Once you committed to something, you couldn’t change course.  Stiff upper lip and all that!

I couldn’t disagree more today!

How many people are working at jobs they detest? Are going through the motions in a relationship that no longer fulfills? Living in conditions that are sapping them of their life blood? What good does it do you to keep climbing the corporate ladder when you find that the ladder is propped up onto the wrong wall?

Life is too short. It’s too short to be working at a job you detest, living where you aren’t comfortable and being with the wrong person. To everything there is a season. And when the season ends it’s time to move on. And there’s a lid for every pot; if the lid isn’t fitting, then change lids.

When I look at my life before recovery and now, I see a colossal difference. When I came into the meeting rooms I was at my bottom. I was living in the metaphoric dungeon of life and my addiction kept me in chains. The miracle of recovery showed me that the chains were of my own making and they weren’t locked. The trap door from the dungeon was unbolted and there was a ladder out. According to the old philosophy, I made my bed, now I must lie in it. The goal, I discovered isn’t to “make the best of it” it’s to leave the dungeon all together!

Any change can be very stressful. Because of this some prefer to stay in the dungeon because they ‘know’ it. Some fear what might happen if they do leave. What if they fail? What if they don’t like it? So they sell their health and peace of mind for the sense of security of a job or a relationship or an addiction that is robbing them of really living life.

Again I say, life is short and you’ll be dead for a lot more years than you ever lived. No one on their deathbed wishes they could have spent more time at the office. Get out there!  Try different things! Take some risks! Change the path you’re on if it’s not your path. You don’t get out of here alive, so make sure that you’ve lived while you were here.