Living Change

August 31, 2017August 30, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

If I don’t change, I won’t change.

How often in life have we not liked a situation or circumstances and done nothing about them? Perhaps it was a job, a relationship or a where we were living that wasn’t working out. Oh, we could and did complain. We complained about the boss, the spouse, or the neighbourhood to whoever would listen. However, a situation never resolves itself unless something changes.

When I find myself in an intolerable situation I have two of choices. I can either do nothing and hope that somehow it will get better, or I can make the change I want to see. I used to be a master at the first option. I let it slide. I’d tell myself it really wasn’t that bad. I would hope that things got better, I would ignore it. I’d use it as another reason to escape into my addiction. I saw myself as a victim of circumstances or of other people. Rarely did I do anything about it because that would involve me making changes. It’s amazing how we can learn to accept even the most intolerable conditons rather than make a change.

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.”

Often I don’t make a change because I fear that if I make a change things will get worse instead of better. This attitude can be traces back to the idea that we must accept our lot in life. I think serf and slave owners fed us that work ethic. We saw ourselves victims of fate or karma about which we had no control.

Or when we saw others making changes in their lives we focused on their failures, or the amount of effort it took to make the change. We didn’t think we had the necessary abilities or talents to accomplish something similar in our lives. Probably nothing has held us back more than social pressure. “Don’t rock the boat,” we were told. The pressure to conform and be similar to everyone else in our group was too difficult to break away from. We would be all alone if we did something different. No, we had no choice but to keep with the status quo. Or so we thought.

What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.

One of the things I have learned in the past few years in recovery is that I can survive anything. I know because I have. I have gone through some difficutlt times in sobriety: ending relationships, changes in health, income shifts, moving to a different country. I have survived each major challenge and I believe, learned from each one. Yes there is fear of the unknown. Yes there are obstacles. Yes river is riddled with rocks and eddies. And yet here I am. I have always and will always survive whatever comes my way until I don’t.

I know that I have a connection to something greater than myself. I have come to the conclusion that the next right thing for me to do is what I do. There is no right or wrong. There are only options. Sometimes I like the outcome and sometimes I don’t. But I am making changes, I am learning, I am moving beyond my fears. If my Higher Power loves and cares about me then I know I can trust whatever comes my way.

I embrace change. Sometimes, I admit, it’s about as whole-hearted as hugging a porcupine, but I do it anyway. I know that life is change and nothing stays the same. Oh, I can fight the current, thrash away to keep myself from going through those rapids ahead, but eventually, I will have to go through what lies ahead. Why not save the energy and trust. My fear tells me there is only one possible outcome: disaster. False! There are many possible outcomes to every situation. I am learning that I get through the rapids much quicker if I let the current take me.

Faith will move mountains, but bring a shovel.

I choose to rely upon my Higher Power. I choose to move forward. I choose change over stagnation. I will do the work to move ahead and to grow. I trust. I am the change I wish to be. I may not always be successful by the standards of the world around me, but I’m learning and for me, that’s what this life is all about.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

Gratitude

August 28, 2017August 27, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

There is no room for resentment, anger or fear in a heart full of gratitude.

This is a statement that I picked up from my sponsor. He will celebrate 27 years in the program next month. He’s picked up a lot of tidbits over the years. I am picking them up from him. He’s also taught me that I can trace these three emotions back to my ego. When I have a resentment, it’s because I didn’t get my way in the past. When I am angry, I’m not getting my way now. And when I have fear, it’s because I am worried I may not get my way in the future.

When I am feeling resentment, anger or fear, I believe it is all about me. It’s all about ‘my way’. It’s what I want to have happened, happen now or to happen. It’s all about unfulfilled expectations in the past, present and future. I heard another tidbit from a member this past week that summed it up quite neatly.

Expectations are resentments under construction.

Past, present and future expectations find their source in my ego and getting ‘my’ way. Expectations have little regard for what is going on around me, who I am dealing with, or where I happen to be at the time. And when they fail to materialize, then I become upset because you didn’t say you liked the gift I bought you; the traffic is making me late; the noise is making me lose my concentration. All expectations of how things ‘should’ be and not accepting how they are. The world revolves around me, don’t you know! Expectations start in the future and stealthily move through the present and slip into the past as resentments.

Gratitude removes me from resentment, anger and fear because it moves out of me and away from my ego. When I am grateful I am no longer thinking of just myself. I am thinking about the things that have been given or done for me. I stop and realize that this world isn’t just about me and about my thoughts, feelings and desires. I see how much I have been given by my Higher Power and by others around me. I see your part and how important it is in giving me the incredible life that I have. I am thankful for what I have been given, for what I have and for what I know will come my way in the future. I stop taking things for granted.

An earlier sponsor loved gratitude lists. She suggested that I think of at least three things I was grateful for every night before I went to sleep. She told me that when I am upset about something that if I focus on the wonders around me and be thankful. During the day, the real or imagined storm that is whirling around me will lose its strength immediately if I am thankful.

This sponsor died suddenly after only working with me for six months. I remember feeling abandoned and and fearful because now what was I going to do, who was I going to turn to, why would my Higher Power do this to me? I was focusing on how her death was affecting me: this wasn’t how I wanted things to go! I was turning the tragedy of her death into my tragedy because I expected that she would be around to guide me for a much longer time. Fortunately, I had worked with her long enough to realize how egocentric, how selfish I was being. I began to focus on how grateful I was for what she had taught me, for the love and kindness she shared with myself and others and for the challenge to follow her example of living the program.

The practice of gratitude takes practice.

It doesn’t happen overnight. And there are still times when I can get all tangled up in my mind because my focus is not on the present moment but on my resentments, anger or fears. With practice I am able to see my fear for what it is: an expectation of the future. If I remove that expectation, I can accept life on life’s terms and not be shaken by what happens. If I am not upset with how things turn out, then I have no reason to create a resentment. But as I said, this takes practice.

Getting into the habit of making a written or mental gratitude list is changing my focus away from the belief that life all about me. It changes my focus to see the wonders around me instead of in me. This habit helps to keep me focused in the present. I’m still working on it. I still have fears, resentments and anger, but they are less intense and I move on quicker. I can accept what is and not wish to change it. Like me, my focus on gratitude is a work in progress.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace

Live One Day at a Time

July 31, 2017July 30, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

When we first start our journey in a twelve step program we are told a whole lot of things. There’s a whole new language of recovery that is very foreign to us: steps, traditions, sponsors, slips and promises are but a few of the terms that have whole new meanings in the program. I was having trouble concentrating on what was happening around me at a meeting; a lot of what was said passed way over my head. The residual effects of the chemicals in my brain probably didn’t help. However, I latched onto the slogans. Here were short sound-bites that I could grasp and understand. This one, ‘Live one day at a time,’ or ‘Take it one day at a time,’ was probably the first that I could grasp onto.

When I started my journey, I had been living my life either as a remorseful mess because of what I had or should have done yesterday, or I was on the other end of the spectrum, fearful of what might happen to me tomorrow. To be honest, when I first came in I didn’t have any desire to quit. I just wanted to be taught how to control myself. I wanted to get my head straightened out so I could be the gentleman I was sure I was. I wanted to be the guy who could have a glass of wine with dinner or share one joint with friends. I wanted to step down the crazy a notch or two and go back to normal. I couldn’t see my life without artifical stimulation or relaxation. Those who had greeted me those early weeks told me to take it easy, and just live one day at a time. My only job, the only one that mattered at that time was to make it through the day sober. Tomorrow was another day I was told. Concentrate on today.

Live one day at a time. Live. I hadn’t been living. I had been existing, doing the minimum to survive. I woke up in a fog, piecing together the details of the night before. Somehow I would make it through the day, waiting, longing for the cocktail hour or until I had finished work before starting the insanity one more time. I was worried about having enough money to pay for it all. I was all about hiding who I was because I believed that no one else really knew about my problem. Living? No, that wasn’t living and although I couldn’t have admitted that to myself at the time, deep down I knew it too.

Being in the present, in the moment is a new way of living for me. There is always more than enough to keep my mind occupied today. What happened yesterday is done. I can cry and scream and explain myself blue, and nothing about yesterday will change. However, I was told I could change my perspective. I can learn from my past and be mindful in the present not to do the same thing today. All of my regrets and mea culpas for all the days I screwed up in the past do not change them and, more than likely, will screw up today was well.

“Man makes plans and God laughs.” Living in the present doesn’t mean that I don’t make plans. I do make plans but I don’t live in them. The future is there, but I try not to focus too much on it. There are too many people, too many variables involved that are beyond my control and that might alter what I am planning. So I plan loosely. I bought a plane ticket a month ago with the plan to spend some time with my family. I truly hope that it will happen, but so many things may happen between now and then that could alter those plans. If I’m living in the future, that change could upset me a great deal. I try to relax and roll with whatever the future brings me, trusting that my Higher Power has my back.

We call the present ‘present’ because it is a gift. It is my gift to open each morning of everyday. I choose to focus on today. Today I give thanks for being alive and sober. Today I am going to live. I am going to be present, here and now and accept with love the blessings and challenges that come my way. I live today for today and tomorrow I leave for tomorrow. Choosing to live one day at a time simplifies my life and my spirit. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please share if you think this blog can help someone. Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, etc. or good ol’ copy and paste. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow the blog as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Meanwhile, I am enjoying this process immensely. There’s the whole new back end of the website and how it works that I’m learning as well as the research and thoughts that go into the finished entry. Please comment. I’d love to hear from you.

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace.

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