Decisions

August 8, 2018August 8, 2018 / Tim / 2 Comments

I’ve often asked myself and been asked: “What is the right decision to make here? What do I do?” Since I have been in recovery I know, in some cases, what the right decision is for me. I opt for whatever will keep me happy joyous and free in recovery. That’s an easy decision for me. But there are so many other decisions that can be made and which are just as life changing and not as easy to make. Because, let’s face it, important decisions change the path of our life.

Where am I going live? What is the next step in my career? Is this the person I want to have a relationship with? Do I get a dog? Buy a new car? Is this the right time to take a vacation? Do I do a home renovation or do I move? Should I try this new thing? Is this the daily routine I want to continue with? Am I okay with myself or do I start a diet plan? Do I join a gym or go it alone? What is the next step I am to take in my journey?????

I have come to learn that there is no right answer, nor is there a wrong answer. Wherever I go, there I am. Whatever I do, that’s what I’m doing. Sometimes I’ve made a snap decision and it works out well. Other times I have dwelt on the decision and things didn’t go as I expected them to go. And I am learning that there is no perfect answer. It’s not where we are that seems to matter. It’s that we’re moving and not static. It really is the journey we take, not where we end up. Some of the stops along that journey can be great and others I would have prefered to have passed through without a glance out the window.

There are a few things that do ensure that the decisions I make are more to my liking. I can talk to a trusted friend, mentor or sponsor before making the decision. I can meditate on it and ask for spiritual guidance from my Higher Power as I understand it. I can do a list of pros and cons. I like to do the rocking chair test: years from now if I’m sitting on the porch in my rocking chair is this something that is going to matter to me? Will I regret having taken or not taken that path? As time goes on in the process it becomes easier to know, at a gut level, if this is the right decision for me now.

Every decision, every choice will alter where I am going in life. And that’s okay. There isn’t a wrong place to be, only experiences to gather. Trust the process of life, remembering that I will make it through whatever happens, until I don’t.

Enjoy the moment and take the next step, whatever it might be.

Of Balloons and Balance

August 4, 2018 / Tim / Leave a comment

I’m discovering that my ‘self’ is a balloon and my ‘ego’ is the air in the balloon. I must constantly monitor the amount of air that I hold in my self. If I haven’t enough, I will lose my shape and be a wrinkled blob with no substance. Who wants a limp balloon? If I inflate it too much, then I can also deform it from the original shape and risk losing my ‘self’ in a terrific explosion. The trick is finding the balance that is right for me: just enough air to keep my shape. I think that when I find that point of equilibrium I discover humility.

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Whenever I run into problems, my character defects shoot the surface or I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster, I’m also discovering that it has ego at its source. I’m discovering that my ego is either underinflated or way over inflated. and I need to get it back in balance. I am who I am: no more and no less. That balance of who I am is difficult to maintain. Like a scale, it only takes a grain of sand to cause it to tip one way or the other. So I need to be constantly maintaining the balance of ego within myself.

Years ago I could solve the problems of the world all from the regal perch of a bar stool. Of course, nothing happened because I did nothing. I was an ego full of hot air. Life isn’t handed to us on the proverbial silver platter. We have to go out and make it. I was reminded this week that our Higher Power does for us that which we cannot do for ourselves. However, if we can do it ourselves, then it’s up to us to do it. (Thank you Terry) And there are a lot of challenges in this world that I am up to resolving if I get off my butt and do the work rather than pontificate and expect the results to magically appear.

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For me, it’s all part of knowing my ‘self’ and keeping my ego in check. I may not be able to move mountains with the wave of my hand, but I can still bring along a wheelbarrow and shovel. There are some things I can do to make my life, rather than waiting around for something to happen then complain when it doesn’t. I can’t do it all, but I can do my part. I don’t always get it right, but I don’t always get it wrong either and sometimes, I find the sweet spot of just the right amount of air in my balloon.

Renovations

July 30, 2018 / Tim / Leave a comment

I’ve had construction happening at my home for the last seven weeks. Initially it was a washroom addition that would take three weeks, but that stretched out to five weeks and then the porch columns and railings needed to be replaced, water seepage in another apartment needed to dealt with and part of a deck was rebuilt due to termite damage. Now the eave troughs on one side of the house and part of the soffit are being looked after. Meanwhile, I’m handling the things I can like the painting and cleaning. I’m sure Marvin could find other work to keep extending his stay here but it has to end this week: my coffers are empty.

I am very pleased with the changes around here, but they are taking their toll on my lower back, my arms and my nerves. I really don’t like disorder, things out of place, tools everywhere, rubbish building up and dust, lots and lots of dust. But that is all part of it. Barring going on vacation and hoping for the best, you have to live with the disorder in order for the order to return. And you have to trust the process which includes the turmoil while these changes are happening around you, realizing that it is only temporary. Once it’s all over, thing will get back to order, things will be renewed, and the discomfort of the process will be a distant memory.

Every boatman has to stop and repair the raft once in a while. The river takes it toll and it’s not always a smooth float down the river. But once the repairs are complete, the journey continues. It’s important for us to stop once in a while and take stock of where we are on our path and course correction. Perhaps an afternoon of reflection. Maybe a weekend retreat. We need to know where we are in order to chart our course to where we want to go. It’s all part of the process.

In a month or so, I’ll forget the aching back and the accumulated dust of construction. Having my own bathroom will be a desire realized and will become part of my everyday experience. The house will benefit from the repairs and upgrades and I will be able to appreciate the process of achieving order through disorder.