Awakenings

December 18, 2017December 17, 2017 / Tim / 3 Comments

By the time we get to Step Twelve in the program of recovery, a lot will have changed in our lives. A lot changed in my life. I recently was reflecting on my life before and after that Gift Of Desperation that I had several years back. I thought my life was manageable. I thought I had things under control. I didn’t think anyone really knew how much I was using and that I was covering things up pretty well. Yeah…right…

Looking back on my life I can see now that somewhere along the line, my addiction became my “go-to” for dealing with things in life. If things went well, I celebrated. If things went wrong, I commiserated. All is good in the world? Time for a drink. There’s a threat of war? Time for a drink. The only way I dealt with anything was by either floating on the red sea of wine or jumping off to drown my sorrows. I had no other way of dealing with life any more. If I had used any other ways of dealing with life, they had been discarded somewhere along the way. And of course, I was only pretending that I was dealing with life. In reality, the world began ignoring me and moving on without my not so imperious presence.

Upon coming into recovery, I found that life was very difficult to deal with life. I no longer had my crutch. I had to learn or relearn what I was supposed to do. I listened at meetings. I read our literature. I talked to my sponsor and to other recovering members. Gradually I learned how to do simple things like say ‘No, thank you,’ and ‘I think I’m going home. Thanks for a nice evening.’ As time went on I learned that I can stand tall against tragedies as well as triumphs without falling back on my old stand-by. My thinking changed. I was no longer doing the same things that I used to do. I was facing life and managing.

This, for me, is the spiritual awakening that is talked about in Step Twelve. A change in my spirit, my response to life. It’s a change in mindset: a new approach to life. And it’s just an awakening: it doesn’t mean I’ve got it all figured out. I see a spiritual awakening in the same was as I look at waking up in the morning. When I first start to become conscious in the morning I slowly open my eyes, come to realize where I am. I get up, put the coffee on and maybe after that first coffee, I can say that I am awake. In the same way, I see a spiritual awakening as that first opening of the eyes in the morning. It will take a while before I am fully awake spiritually. A few more cups of ‘spiritual’ coffee, if you will, before I am spiritually conscious. More will be revealed.

I am grateful.

Making the Connection

August 14, 2017August 11, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

A while back I heard about a new model to describe addiction. Basically it states that we become addicted to a substance not because of the substance itself, but because of our lack of connection to our surroundings. The feelings generated by the substance help us to feel connected, or diminish that desire for connection. Sobriety happens when we make connections. This model was based on experiments devised after the US war in Vietnam. A large percentage of troops were using opioids on a very regular basis, but when they got back home, the didn’t go into withdrawal, or deeper into the drug world, but integrated back into their circle of family and friends. Yes, there were many who did end up in the streets or V.A. psych wards, but the percentage is relatively small compared to the percentage using on active duty.

I am quite fascinated by this model. It rings true for me and for my fall into addiction. I just didn’t feel connected. From a very early age, I felt different from everyone else. The first small glass of beer I shared with older cousins at the age of six, I remember because I was invited into their circle. At 12 and 13 I would drink because it helped me feel like I was a part of the ‘group’. Certainly growing up in a conservative, religious milieu that constantly physically and mentally tortured anyone mildly suspected of being gay did play a role in the development of my addiction. I rarely felt I fit in, and when I did, I felt sinfully wrong about the whole thing which pushed the cycle of separation further along.

There is no doubt in my mind that when I entered recovery I was very disconnected. My relationship was a house of cards awaiting destruction. I was living 2500 km from my family. I had few true friends, though I had plenty of barstool buddies. And I was spiritually bankrupt; there might be a God but we were mutually disinterested in each other. I had spiralled my way down deeper and deeper in the funnel, moving around faster and faster as I was heading to the hole in the bottom and hoping that it would finally suck the life out of me because I lacked the courage to do it myself. I was alone, separate and without ties to anything that didn’t get me high.

I am still here over six years later. Why? I believe that my Higher Power, in spite of my lack of cooperation, gave me an open door through which I could walk to a new freedom. I knew I was totally alone. I didn’t feel a connection. I just wanted oblivion and yet there I was walking into a twelve step meeting.

One of the main things that I found in the program were connections. First of all, I was invited to return. I wasn’t receiving any invitations at that time: someone cared enough to invite me back. I was told to share in the group because I too had a story. The members listened to me and afterward, talked and offered suggestions on what I might do to feel better and make it through the next 24 hours. Someone agreed to be a my sponsor and we shared intimate details of our lives. I heard my past and my feelings in the stories of others as well. I went through the steps and cleaned up the mess I had made of my past. I learned how to construct bridges, not how to burn them. It was all about making those connections with others, with myself and with my Higher Power.

(The re-connection with my Higher Power is a very special one to me and one that deserves a special entry. I will write about that in the next blog entry.)

By making connections I am now in recovery. I feel that I am now spiralling upward. I touch upon many themes over and over again, but each time I feel I have a broader understanding and a greater sense of awe. I am so grateful that I was given another chance at life. Certainly I still have my days where I would really like a drink. But I remember that I never had just ‘one’ drink. And I remember that there is no problem that getting drunk won’t make worse. I no longer follow Oscar Wilde’s advice of dealing with temptation by giving into it. I treasure the connections I have made in my program. I have a model for living that works for me and many others. I believe it is a model for living that everyone, addict or not, can enjoy. But that is up to you to decide.

If you wish more information on this model of addiction that was my jumping off point today, please check out the TED Talks link here: Johann Hari’s model of addiction It is a very enlightening talk.

♥ ♥ ♥

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace

Live One Day at a Time

July 31, 2017July 30, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

When we first start our journey in a twelve step program we are told a whole lot of things. There’s a whole new language of recovery that is very foreign to us: steps, traditions, sponsors, slips and promises are but a few of the terms that have whole new meanings in the program. I was having trouble concentrating on what was happening around me at a meeting; a lot of what was said passed way over my head. The residual effects of the chemicals in my brain probably didn’t help. However, I latched onto the slogans. Here were short sound-bites that I could grasp and understand. This one, ‘Live one day at a time,’ or ‘Take it one day at a time,’ was probably the first that I could grasp onto.

When I started my journey, I had been living my life either as a remorseful mess because of what I had or should have done yesterday, or I was on the other end of the spectrum, fearful of what might happen to me tomorrow. To be honest, when I first came in I didn’t have any desire to quit. I just wanted to be taught how to control myself. I wanted to get my head straightened out so I could be the gentleman I was sure I was. I wanted to be the guy who could have a glass of wine with dinner or share one joint with friends. I wanted to step down the crazy a notch or two and go back to normal. I couldn’t see my life without artifical stimulation or relaxation. Those who had greeted me those early weeks told me to take it easy, and just live one day at a time. My only job, the only one that mattered at that time was to make it through the day sober. Tomorrow was another day I was told. Concentrate on today.

Live one day at a time. Live. I hadn’t been living. I had been existing, doing the minimum to survive. I woke up in a fog, piecing together the details of the night before. Somehow I would make it through the day, waiting, longing for the cocktail hour or until I had finished work before starting the insanity one more time. I was worried about having enough money to pay for it all. I was all about hiding who I was because I believed that no one else really knew about my problem. Living? No, that wasn’t living and although I couldn’t have admitted that to myself at the time, deep down I knew it too.

Being in the present, in the moment is a new way of living for me. There is always more than enough to keep my mind occupied today. What happened yesterday is done. I can cry and scream and explain myself blue, and nothing about yesterday will change. However, I was told I could change my perspective. I can learn from my past and be mindful in the present not to do the same thing today. All of my regrets and mea culpas for all the days I screwed up in the past do not change them and, more than likely, will screw up today was well.

“Man makes plans and God laughs.” Living in the present doesn’t mean that I don’t make plans. I do make plans but I don’t live in them. The future is there, but I try not to focus too much on it. There are too many people, too many variables involved that are beyond my control and that might alter what I am planning. So I plan loosely. I bought a plane ticket a month ago with the plan to spend some time with my family. I truly hope that it will happen, but so many things may happen between now and then that could alter those plans. If I’m living in the future, that change could upset me a great deal. I try to relax and roll with whatever the future brings me, trusting that my Higher Power has my back.

We call the present ‘present’ because it is a gift. It is my gift to open each morning of everyday. I choose to focus on today. Today I give thanks for being alive and sober. Today I am going to live. I am going to be present, here and now and accept with love the blessings and challenges that come my way. I live today for today and tomorrow I leave for tomorrow. Choosing to live one day at a time simplifies my life and my spirit. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please share if you think this blog can help someone. Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, etc. or good ol’ copy and paste. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow the blog as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Meanwhile, I am enjoying this process immensely. There’s the whole new back end of the website and how it works that I’m learning as well as the research and thoughts that go into the finished entry. Please comment. I’d love to hear from you.

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace.

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