Step 4

Free of Regret

/ Tim / 2 Comments

It’s not easy to live life without regrets. It’s much easier to wonder sometimes about the “what ifs” and “if onlys”. Regret is a sadness or disappointment over what happened or didn’t happen in the past. “What might have been?” I can ask myself. “I could have been a better son, friend, husband, father and coworker. I might have made so much more with my life.” If we don’t stop the internal conversation it can lead to the vicious spiral of depression, more regret and relapse.

“The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time to plant one is today.”

The gift of the Serenity Prayer is acceptance of what we cannot change. One of those things is the past. I know that my life would be very different today had I taken another road in the past. I was in a relationship that wasn’t working and hadn’t been working for a lot of years. I knew it, but I lacked the courage and strength to leave. In the end, I was the one who was left behind. I can’t take back those years. I can’t go back in time and change them. So what do I do so as not to live in regret?

I have to accept what happened. I accept that my Higher Power was looking after me during that time and continues to do so. I accept that I had challenges to overcome and some lessons to learn. It’s not easy to learn to forgive oneself for roads not taken but I must. Steps four through nine help us to work through regret. So yes, things did or didn’t happen in the past and today I don’t have to regret those things. Rather I can use them as teaching tools for the present. I prefer to look at all that happened in the past was needed to bring me to who I am today. And I know that what happens today will lead me on to who I am to be tomorrow. I’m learning to trust the process of the program and my Higher Power. Today can I plant that tree I didn’t in the past without guilt, without remorse and without regret.

It’s important for me to remember that: “We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it,” is a Ninth Step promise. I have to work all the steps that come before. There aren’t short cuts. Living the steps isn’t all that difficult but it does take persistence. I don’t get a vacation from being in recovery. I live in recovery 24 hours a day. So today I will plant a tree. It may be a while before it bears fruit, but an unplanted tree never will. Trust the process. It works when you work it!

There is a Season

/ Tim / Leave a comment

There are times when I want to be loud and boisterous and the centre of attention.  At other times I retreat and I am quiet. Most of the time I am somewhere in between on the continuum of emotion. The past couple of weeks have been ones of retreat and reflection. I’ve been taking it a bit easy physically as I hurt my back and need to rest. I have learned as well that when something happens to me physically, there is always something on the spiritual side I need to take special care of as well. Oh I still do the necessary things and fulfill my commitments, but my interests in other things is not as keen as at other times.

More and more medicine is discovering that the physical disease is a result of how we think and feel. There is no separation between the body and the soul; they are entwined within the self. I’ve heard of the link between worry and stomach ulcers for years. But there’s also plenty of evidence to link depression with heart disease and anger with arthritis. Research is also showing that there is direct result between how quickly one recovers or is cured of a disease and one active participation in the cure.

I believe that my addiction is a direct result of not feeling connected with others and the world. The further I got into my addiction the less I was connected and the more I isolated myself from the world. Therefore it makes sense to me that my actively participating in reconnecting myself to the world around me will result in establishing and maintaining my recovery. The program of recovery is the twelve steps that help us to look at ourselves and bring us out of that self and to make contact again.

So, is my withdrawal from the world a sign of an immanent relapse? Am I going back to older behaviours of isolation? I don’t believe it is. I think it is just my body and spirit taking a break from what is going on about me to reflect on what has happened in the past year or so and to take stock of what worked and what didn’t, to do some introspection and review the lessons I’ve been given. I can use this time to look toward where I wish to go in the future; in order to write the next chapter I need to know what was written before or I’m likely to forget and repeat the same story over again.

To everything, there is a season, we are told. My back will heal and the mental rest will give me a fresh perspective on the next part of life. I know that spring will come. Body and spirit will heal together and trod on this journey.