Season of Change

April 23, 2018April 23, 2018 / Tim / 2 Comments

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 1:1

My mother gave me the example each spring of this time of change by embarking on ‘spring cleaning’. After the long Ontario winter with all the windows sealed and doors barely cracked, the house was opened again to the spring breezes. Wall were washed, curtains and drapes laundered, floor received a deep scrubbing, carpets were cleaned and usually one room got new a wallpaper treatment. My father got out the tractor, cultivator and drill to prepare and sow the fields. And the cows literally jumped for joy after being let out onto a field after being cooped up in the barn for the cold winter months.

I have always loved the springtime. It’s a time of new birth, growth. Living close to the equator, there’s really only the dry and the rainy seasons. And right now we are transitioning into the rainy season. For me it is just like spring. When the rains return after months of none it is as magical as spring. There are new sprouts on trees, a greening of the fields and the earth soaks in life-giving moisture to sprout the dried seeds of the jungle. Rebirth and new life abound. It’s a time of changes and a time for change.

As I work through my recovery program, now is a good time for doing a thorough recap of my program and where I’m at in it. I may not do a Step Four inventory as meticulously as I did the first one, but once a year it’s not a bad idea to take the time to step back and see how I am living my life in recovery. Am I satisfied with certain aspects of my life? Are there areas where I need to do more work? What’s my relationship like with my Higher Power and with others? Where do I need to trim, plant and grow in my life of recovery? Is it time to do a review of all the steps with my sponsor?

Recovery isn’t something I get once and then I’ve got it. I have to tend to it and foster it to keep it alive and growing. A stagnant recovery is like a stagnant pond: eventually it won’t be as fresh and if left alone too long, things will start to smell. Fresh running water is the solution. And for me a renewed look at the state of my recovery is in order. I’m fortunate that the change of seasons, my birthday and my recovery anniversary all fall within this month. Each of these remind me that time moves on and I must flow along with it.

Now is the season to do the spring cleaning. Now is the time to prepare and sow. I cannot take my recovery for granted; it doesn’t work that way. It must be constantly renewed, tended and nurtured if I am to reap its promises. My recommitment keeps it fresh and keeps my spirit vigorous. I am grateful.

When We Were Wrong

October 19, 2017October 18, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

There’s no shame or harm in changing your direction. In fact, it’s often absolutely necessary if we are to survive and remain sane! Isn’t that what we are praying for in the Serenity Prayer: courage to change the things I can? Whether it is a minor course correction or a major shift in my life direction, I need to step out of my comfort zone and make those changes. If I am to be happy, joyous and free, then I must be willing to change and do what I must as I trudge the road of happy destiny.

I read a few days ago again that an airplane is off course 90% of the time. Wind is constantly blowing that metal tube about, shifting it’s position. There are often cloud banks and storms the the pilot can avoid by navigating around them. The pilot or autopilot is constantly making subtle changes in order to keep the airplane safe and to bring it back on course to its destination. And though it may seem a miracle, it lands on time and where it was supposed to land.

It’s not a miracle, not really. It’s a result of the constant attention of the flight crew. Those constant course corrections nudge the plane back on course. A constant check to see where it is headed. That’s what Step 10 is all about: course correction. “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.” This is our regular measure of where we are and where we are headed.

Especially early on in the program, it is so easy to stray in our thinking. Everything is new: sobriety, sharing, slogans, steps and sponsors are part of a whole new vocabulary in our lives. It seems there is so much to learn and at the same time so much to forget. The good news for newcomers, as I was told early on, is that you can start to practice any step that has a “1” in it right from the beginning, so steps 10, 11 and 12 can be worked while you’re still on the first step.

It need not be complicated, and you probably already do it to some degree. At some point in the evening we can go over the day and pick out what went well, and what didn’t. If we need to, we can talk to our sponsor about it. It may well be that we had acted like a jerk to a friend or coworker and tomorrow we can apologize. No need to take on the sins of the world here, just a simple, “I’m sorry, I acted like a jerk yesterday.” is all that is needed. It doesn’t even matter whether the apology is accepted, because forgiveness is not the goal, clearing our conscience is! Keeping our own side of the street clean early in sobriety is a good way to practice the program principles. It helps to keep us true to this new direction we are headed.

And to be honest, even after years of sobriety, a slight variation in thinking can gradually lead to bad decisions that lead back to the bottle, the pipe and the syringe. Meeting rooms are full of people who were absolutely certain they “had” the program before and suddenly they found themselves back where they started, even after more than ten or twenty years sometimes. A spot check inventory helps to keep us in touch with ourselves, our program and our Higher Power. Like any other terminal condition, I must take my medicine which is the practice and the living of all of the 12 steps of our program, every day. I can’t let up; there is no “free” day here. It’s one day at a time, one day, everyday.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

The Uncluttered Mind

September 28, 2017 / Tim / 1 Comment

Stuff
I read a blog from a friend who is moving to a much smaller home and is going through the process of de-cluttering. She’s sorting through all sorts of things she’s been dragging around for many years and filling up the recycle bins at a stunning pace. My sister and her wife just moved into a highrise condo. After garage sales, generous donations to the local resale store and recycle bins, they are unwilling to being the cycle of accumulation again. Good for all of them. I know there’s nothing like moving to a new country with only a few suitcases to prioritize what is important. Of course, I have accumulated more ‘stuff’ but I tend to do so a bit more mindfully, acquiring what I need, and not necessarily what I want.

Deal with it

I try to do the same thing with my mind. How much crap do I have stuffed into this brain that clutters and confuses? How many old feelings and beliefs do I carry along with me. I remember Jim Carrey’s movie: Eternal Sunsrhine of the Spotless Mind, where a couple have their memories of each other removed after they break up. That technology, of course, doesn’t exist; I can’t simply erase the clutter from my mind. I have to, somehow, deal with it.

I wasn’t the best at dealing with emotions, feeling. I wasn’t taught how to deal with them. I don’t think my family was much different than any other at the time. Expressions of mild happiness or contentment, and anger could be expressed. Anything else was viewed with suspision. Someone who appeared too happy? Hmmm, something’s up with them. Expressions of love? Well other than your mother, you didn’t say the ‘L’ word outside of an intimate relationship. Fear? Not me! Jealousy? I’m above that. Sadness? Boys don’t cry. Lonely? Confused? Just muddle through but don’t let anyone know. Men don’t talk about feelings. Period!

I didn’t know how

The problem is, I still had all of these feelings. The way I learned to deal with them was with supression aided by a generous dose of alcohol or whatever. That was the only coping mechanism I learned. I had to do something because the feeling were churning around inside me. Alcohol was an acceptable release. Smoking up one could leave it all behind. And once in my reduced world of the altered mind, I felt free of those feelings or I could express them and, the next day, have the excuse, “Boy was I ever drunk last night!” And everyone understood.

I will never forget the first few meetings I attended. Men were talking about how they were feeling! They were using phrases like, ‘I was afraid’, ‘I was wrong’ and ‘I needed help’! I hadn’t heard those words before. Not said in public. And especially not by straight men in Perth County! We don’t talk like that!

After I got over my disbelief, I learned. Expressing my feelings is healthy and important. It was absolutely necessary for me to learn how to deal with them if I was going to stay sober and find the serenity, courage and wisdom I prayed for.

Express Yourself

I learned that feelings do not go away. I can only repress them. Perhaps that’s why I was an addict; I had been stashing up so many feelings that it took more and more of whatever to keep them down and stop me from exploding. I learned that I could talk about what I was feeling in meetings, in prayer and with my sponsor. In working the steps and making them part of my life I learned to deal with things as they came along and not stuff them under the proverbial rug hoping they’d disappear. I’ve learned that a tenth step can not only be used for promptly admitting my faults but also promptly admitting my feelings and talking about them. It helps me to grow and thrive. As Madonna’s sings, “Express yourself, respect yourself.”

I can’t say that I always am successful in uncluttering my mind, but I know I’m much better at it now. I’m learning to deal with it and move on. I can’t change the past but it has become useful in that I can learn from it, hopefully not repeating it. My feelings are my feelings and there’s nothing right or wrong about them but I do have to work with them if I want to be happy, joyous and free.