change

Secrets of the Soul

/ Tim / Leave a comment

A former sponsor of mine used to say, “I’m as sick as my secrets.” It took me a long time to really understand what he meant and after a few years in recovery, I think I have a better handle on it. We all have some secrets and they have the power to lead us deeper into darkness.

The secret of my sexuality kept me from living a full and healthy life before I emerged from my closet. ‘What if they find out? What will they think? I have to be careful so that no one will find out.’ These thoughts were constantly with me. It lead to a distrust of others. It kept me isolated, alone and lonely. The only time I felt that I could be released from my secret, earlier on, was when I was high. The rules and norms of society be damned. When I was high I didn’t care what anyone really thought.

Of course, the next morning arrived and along with the spitting headache I had the moral hangover of regret. Over the years, my secrets changed and varied, but they were always there, guarded and hidden. I wouldn’t say I was dishonest and openly lying, only that I wouldn’t disclose my real truth about what I felt or thought about situations. I rationalized that what I really wanted and how I really felt were best left unsaid. I didn’t want to cause pain in others but was unable to see the pain I was causing in myself because I wouldn’t open up. I felt it was better to keep that inside.

I kept my secrets bottled up so that everyone would like me and so that they wouldn’t feel hurt. I wasn’t able to see that they were making me sink deeper and deeper into addiction. My thinking was inverted: I didn’t want to cause you any pain, but it was okay to cause my own and for me to suffer in silence. And my ‘suffering’ was always a good reason to self medicate.

Through the program of recovery I am able to see that my ‘suffering in silence’ was an ego trip, as if my suffering would save the rest of the world. It was all about me and all about my justification for loading up. In the process of Step Five, sharing my past and the ‘exact nature’ of my character with another person, I was sharing my secrets. And a funny thing about a secret: once it is told to another person, it’s no longer a secret.

I didn’t realize how much energy I was using to keep my past thoughts, feelings and actions hidden until I stopped. Going through Step Five, sharing with another person helped me to open up to another person and prepared me for Step Nine where I made amends to those I had harmed. My program of recovery helps me to recognize when I am falling into the same patterns creating little secrets by hiding my feelings and thoughts and to know when I need to talk to my sponsor again about these things. I know that keeping things bottled up inside will lead to resentment, anger, fear and a relapse. The sooner I disclose my secrets, the sooner I return to health.

Thank you Marshall.

Taking the Fifth

/ Tim / Leave a comment

A recovery program ‘fifth’ couldn’t be further from the US Constitution ‘Fifth Amendment’ where one does not have to testify to self incriminate. The Fifth Step ask us to admit to our Higher Power, ourselves and another human being the “exact nature of our wrongs” which we discovered by going through Step Four. In other words, we completely incriminate ourselves and own up to the who, what, when where, why and how of our past.

Confession is not only good for the soul, it helps to heal the mind and body as well. More and more we hear about the link between our physical, mental and emotional health. How I think and feel can directly affect my body: my un-ease can cause dis-ease. Research shows that it goes a whole lot deeper than worry and stress causing stomach ulcers. I need to spill my guts in order to regain my health and sanity. I think the Catholics idea of confession is sound. Telling on myself, revealing my secrets, will help to restore my being.

“Why do I have to tell someone?  It should be enough to write my list and talk to my Higher Power.” In reality, it isn’t enough. It’s one thing to say to myself and remind myself what I have done, even when it’s done in a real and spiritual way. And I believe it should be: we can take the time to sit down by ourselves and have a chat with our Higher Power about what wrote in Step Four. However, it’s quite another to say it out loud to another human being. Doing so makes it real. Discussing it helps us to understand our underlying motives, our passions and our humanity. And it helps us to develop a plan of how I can make some positive changes so that I won’t repeat the same behaviour in the future.

Taking the Fifth helps to develop humility, not to be confused with humiliation.  Humility is accepting the truth of what is: I am who I am, no better or no worse than anyone else; I am human. Part of that humanity is having faults as well as virtues and I need to accept both as part of my being. In many ways it’s a relief to tell on ourselves. I no longer have to prove who I am. At least one other person in this world knows my truth. I no longer need to put on a mask or play a role in front of that person: I can be completely honest.

A final thought on taking the Fifth Step. Doing so prepares me for the Ninth Step which, while it is still down the road a bit is when I talk to those whom I have offended and make amends for what I have done. If I have developed some humility and can share all of my past with one person, it will be much easier for me to admit my fault with someone who already knows something about what I had done.

Step Five provides a chance to develop some humility and honesty and demonstrate that to another human being. Once I do incriminate myself and my secrets are out, it’s a whole lot easier to continue the healing process of addiction. I gain self esteem and hope. I know I can change and that I can change how I respond to the persons places and things in my life, discovering the joys of recovery.

 

Well Done!

/ Tim / 2 Comments

“The ability to accept responsibility is the measure of the individual.” – Roy L. Smith

Congratulations! You are part of a very small percentage of the population that is willing to dig into life and grow. You have decided to analyze where you are in life, what you want out of life and make the changes necessary to achieve that change. And you have realized that any change has to come from within.

Most people go through life trying to control people, places and things to get what they want. They praise themselves when things go well, and cast blame upon the environment, circumstances and the people around them when they don’t. Self improvement, personal growth or stepping out of their comfort zone is not part of their daily lives except as these work to boost their ego and social position. But the idea of an honest look at themselves, who they are and where they are in life, never crosses their mind.

If you’re doing the ‘work’ in a twelve step program, you know that it requires a daily commitment. You realize that no one else is responsible for your happiness in life other than you, yourself. By that same realization, you know that you must also accept that the unhappiness in your life is also your responsibility. And you know that the seeds of any change in your life must first be must be planted within and nurtured with patience before they blossom into results.

Excuses and blame are replaced by honesty. I used to feed my addiction because of the circumstances of my life, my relationships and my broken dreams. But when I honestly looked at who I was, I was able to see that I was the one who created the circumstances that I was in or I allowed myself to go in a direction I didn’t want to go. My relationships with others were faltering because I had expectations of what I should be getting and not what I could give. And my dreams were not realized because I wasn’t committed to them.

Accepting responsibility for everything: my successes and my failures, is really hard. It’s so much easier to point to others, my parents, spouse or boss, and say they are the reason I am the way I am. But now I know they’re not to blame. It’s what I did or didn’t do, accepted or didn’t accept, dreamed or didn’t dream that has created the circumstances I find myself in. And if I am to make any changes in my life, that too is a responsibility I must accept.

Probably ninety percent of the people in this world never get to this point in life, never even pick up the shovel. And here you are: digging, analyzing, finding solutions and making the changes to implement those solutions in your life. You’re doing the work. That’s big! It’s worthy of giving yourself a pat on the back. And the results you get out of all of this will inspire you to keep moving forward. Congratulations!