Spirituality

Season of Change

/ Tim / 2 Comments

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 1:1

My mother gave me the example each spring of this time of change by embarking on ‘spring cleaning’. After the long Ontario winter with all the windows sealed and doors barely cracked, the house was opened again to the spring breezes. Wall were washed, curtains and drapes laundered, floor received a deep scrubbing, carpets were cleaned and usually one room got new a wallpaper treatment. My father got out the tractor, cultivator and drill to prepare and sow the fields. And the cows literally jumped for joy after being let out onto a field after being cooped up in the barn for the cold winter months.

I have always loved the springtime. It’s a time of new birth, growth. Living close to the equator, there’s really only the dry and the rainy seasons. And right now we are transitioning into the rainy season. For me it is just like spring.  When the rains return after months of none it is as magical as spring. There are new sprouts on trees, a greening of the fields and the earth soaks in life-giving moisture to sprout the dried seeds of the jungle. Rebirth and new life abound.  It’s a time of changes and a time for change.

As I work through my recovery program, now is a good time for doing a thorough recap of my program and where I’m at in it. I may not do a Step Four inventory as meticulously as I did the first one, but once a year it’s not a bad idea to take the time to step back and see how I am living my life in recovery. Am I satisfied with certain aspects of my life? Are there areas where I need to do more work? What’s my relationship like with my Higher Power and with others? Where do I need to trim, plant and grow in my life of recovery? Is it time to do a review of all the steps with my sponsor?

Recovery isn’t something I get once and then I’ve got it. I have to tend to it and foster it to keep it alive and growing. A stagnant recovery is like a stagnant pond: eventually it won’t be as fresh and if left alone too long, things will start to smell. Fresh running water is the solution. And for me a renewed look at the state of my recovery is in order. I’m fortunate that the change of seasons, my birthday and my recovery anniversary all fall within this month. Each of these remind me that time moves on and I must flow along with it.

Now is the season to do the spring cleaning. Now is the time to prepare and sow. I cannot take my recovery for granted; it doesn’t work that way. It must be constantly renewed, tended and nurtured if I am to reap its promises. My recommitment keeps it fresh and keeps my spirit vigorous. I am grateful.

 

Unmanageability

/ Tim / 2 Comments

Step One invites us to admit two things: that we were powerless over alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc., and that our lives had become unmanageable. I had a hard time with the unmanageability part. You see, when I first got sober, a lot of the things that I wasn’t able to manage in my life suddenly became manageable. The first couple of weeks were a bit tough financially and I remember wondering where I would have gotten the money to feed my habit for the rest of the month had I not quit, but in truth, I know that I would have found the funds somehow.

After a few weeks, I discovered that I now had the money to pay all of my bills without juggling the monies around credit cards and accounts so no one was on my tail about paying up. I  began to do necessary repairs and maintenance on the property and so tenants weren’t at my door complaining. My little ‘fiestas’ had stopped. I was keeping the house clean, doing laundry and even finding time to read again. Things were turning around so quickly that it was easy for me to see how my addiction had caused all of the unmanageability in my life.

But then something changed. I ran into a problem and I didn’t know how to deal with it. My first thought was to find something to take the edge off. That had been my ‘modus operandi’: using something to help me forget the problem and pretend that it wasn’t a problem after all. But hanging around the folks at meetings must have been helping because I knew that probably wasn’t a good option. I got on my motorcycle and drove. I headed out to the country and just drove and repeated over and over again the Serenity Prayer.

Gradually the emotion that had taken control of my mind began to subside. Slowly I calmed down. Like a mantra, the prayer helped rid me of distraction and to focus on what I needed to do: go to a meeting and talk to my sponsor.

I learned through this and other experiences that manageability is more than paying bills and doing what I should have been doing all along. It’s easy to have a manageable life when things are running along smoothly.  They don’t always. Manageability has to do with living life on life’s terms and accepting what comes along and dealing with it as it arises. I had to learn new ways to manage my life. I need the program not to iron out my life but to help me face it. I needed, and still do need my recovery program to guide me when things don’t go according to my plan and problems arise.

I still get overwhelmed at times. Something seem to be insurmountable and I feel I can’t deal with it. Stepping back, walking the dogs, and still driving on my motorcycle help me to clear my head and put a plan in place. While I can still spiral down into unmanageability, I now have solutions to help me make the turn around and I have my program to thank for that.

 

Forgiveness

/ Tim / 2 Comments

There is a lot written about ‘forgiveness’ in and out of recovery literature. What exactly is it? Well, I followed the lead from my sponsor and started with a dictionary. That led me to check out the roots of the word ‘forgive’.

It came into English as a direct translation of the Latin ‘perdonare’ which meant to ‘thoroughly’ (for/per) ‘give up’ (give/donare). Forgiveness then is the act of thoroughly giving up. Modern English meanings include pardoning for an offence, renouncing anger at and abandoning a claim. Okay, English lesson over.

Forgiveness is saying that my part is over. I took offence at what happened and now I step back; I will no longer look for recompense. Rather, I will act as if what happened had never happened. It is saying that I no longer have the expectation that another person ‘owes’ me anything or can ‘fix’ what happened. It is not pretending that it never happened. I think it is releasing the pain that was caused and no longer holding onto the offence and I no long expect anything from the one who offended me.

I see forgiveness as a type of surrender. I give up. As of this moment I will stop holding onto the anger for a broken promise or an infidelity. I won’t seek revenge. I won’t ‘hold it against you’. If I am truly forgiving the other person, I will ‘give over’ what happened and I will treat you as if it never happened.

That’s a tall order. Can I really give my trust to that person without them having to ‘earn’ it back again? Can I really act as is they never broke or lost what belonged to me? Will I never bring up this incident again, even if something similar happens in the future? That is what forgiveness asks of me. I surrender the offence. I surrender the anger it caused me. I surrender any claim I have against you.

Forgiveness is a release not only for the other person. It’s a great release for me as well. Once I forgive you, I no longer hold onto the emotions that had me locked in battle. I let go of the swirling thoughts of how to exact my due. The anger and resentment are ended. I let go of the hot coal in my hand, realizing it is doing harm to me alone.

Finally, I forgive myself. If it ‘take two to tango’, then the other person is not the only one involved; I am too. I ask myself what part I played in this incident. I ask myself what lessons I have learned. I stop allowing this ‘thing’ to enslave me. I forgive myself. And I move forward. By surrendering, by ‘giving over thoroughly’, I am able to find my own freedom.

Peace