Solutions

Preparing for Harvest

/ Tim / 1 Comment

I grew up on a small family farm in Southern Ontario. Every spring, once the snow melted and the land dried up, we would get out on the fields to prepare for the harvest. Every effort, from cultivating the soil, fertilizing, seeding, weeding and patience was required to raise the crop to harvest time. Some crops require more care than others. And I was taught that a prayer or two for a good harvest wouldn’t hurt.

I left the farm when I went off to study, but its lessons stayed with me. I plan for the future but live in the present. It isn’t enough for me to plant a seed and leave it.  I need to tend to its needs of water, weeding and pruning for the future harvest to be realized and not every seed or plant has the same requirements. As well, I need to be aware of what seed I am planting: sowing wheat won’t give me watermelons.

I often say at meetings that I can’t rely on yesterday’s recovery to keep me happy, joyous and free today. I have to constantly tend to my recovery: if I’m not investing myself in it, then the chances for a good harvest are slim.

Wherever you focus, that’s where you’ll end.

My attitude, my actions and my goals determine where I will end up. What I focus upon, either positively or negatively influences where I will go.  Saying to myself over and over I not going to drink or I’m not going to use I am still focused on drinking and using. Turning the focus outward away from addiction has the effect of creating new directions. Turning the focus onto my recovery and its benefits changes me and my actions. An attitude of gratitude works because it shifts focus to the gifts of recovery. Acts of service to others work because my focus is on others not on me.

It’s not easy cultivating a change in attitude. It takes continuous work, at least I’ve found it so, to maintain the change. I can slip into a negative attitude at the drop of a hat: it’s how I used to function, it’s an old habit.  The challenge is to scratch the old record enough times so that it can never play again and put a new record on the turntable.

In focusing on recovery I am focusing on the harvest. I do those things I need to do in order to stay in recovery and keep that focus. With time comes growth. Planting a seed of change today will not provide a harvest of results tomorrow. That’s why I follow my program. It helps me cultivate, fertilize, prune and weed my recovery so that I can reap a bountiful harvest.

Truth and Courage

/ Tim / 2 Comments

“Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future.” M. Scott Peck

Step Four asks us to make a thorough and fearless moral inventory. I took more time with this step than any other step in my recovery program. I kept telling myself I was preparing my thoughts, waiting for the right time and hoping to be inspired. What I was really doing was working on a character trait that still dogs me: procrastination. Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow? And I was afraid of what I would find. I was afraid I might find the truth of who I was. There were a lot of dark corners of my past that I had shut the door on and I was quite sure I would be opening Pandora’s Box if I looked too closely.

I had my own deadline for completing this step. I wanted to have it down and talk about it with my sponsor before I moved. As the period of time got shorter and shorter, my anxiety about the step increased. And then I started thinking that perhaps I didn’t need to do it before I moved. It could always be done later, right?

About this time I went to a meeting where the topic arose. A fellow shared that it took him two years and three days to complete his Fourth Step: two years of procrastination and three days to do the work. He talked about how his fear of what he might find froze him. When he finally sat down to write, he broke through that fear and faced himself with honesty, discovering that the task wasn’t as arduous as he thought it would be. This was the push I needed.

I got out the guide for the step that a friend suggested. I wasn’t sure what I would find but I knew that if I wanted to recover I had to trust the process. I knew it worked because I could see the results in others.  I also had examples of what happened to those who skipped this step. All it took was a couple of days of effort to work through the 59 questions  in the guide. In the end, the experience I heard at that step meeting bore true for me as well. My fear was a phantom. I knew my past. A few things I hadn’t thought about in years came up, but I realized that I never had anything to fear.

Like making that first phone call to ask for help, or walking into a meeting room for the first time, my fear diminished once I got down to doing Step Four. It wasn’t a Pandora’s Box of frightful things. Everything that was there I had placed inside. Step Four allowed me to open the box and see exactly what was in there. Now I had a better idea of who I was and what I needed to work on a better future for myself.

Leave the Drama Behind

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When I was in my disease it was so easy to be the barstool philosopher, solving the enigmas of the worlds of religion, politics and people. Through tyraids, tears and sometimes both, I fought for my beliefs and ideals in order to create a utopian world. “We need to…” “We ought to…” “I’m going to…” Of course, I needn’t finish the phrases because they were as empty as my resulting actions. Nothing ever came of it. The next morning I would be in such a fog that I would be more interested in an immediate hangover cure, if I remembered anything at all, that is. And soon I would be onto my first of the day and a repeat of the vicious downward spiral I had fallen into.

In recovery I can leave all of that outside drama behind me. Initially, just staying clean and sober was my focus. It didn’t matter what was whirling around in the world, it was all I could do not to start again. I went to plenty of meetings, talked to other members and read our literature. Gradually the drama toned down. Once I stopped, I had money to pay my bills. I did the work I was supposed to do; I started to become a responsible person and my life became more manageable. I slowly began to see that the huge problems I thought were insurmountable were actually a result of my using. The people around me suddenly became more reasonable, even personable. Stop the drugs and alcohol and my life calmed down substantially.

Take away the drama and my life became more balanced. Oh I still have bouts of mania and depression, but the swings aren’t so broad: I’m more centred in my self, my relationships and my world. Things aren’t so extreme. It’s not the ‘absolute best’ or the ‘most dismal failure’. I can look at things in a reasonable perspective and see them for what they really are. If I find myself caught up in the tornado of life, a talk with my sponsor will often help to calm the winds. The Serenity Prayer reminds me of the little I can control and the rest? Well, I’m learning to let go of it.

The suspenseful drama slowly gave way to a melodrama and today it’s more of life adventure. I awaken refreshed most days, ready to face what life offers. I trust that I will make it through whatever comes my way. I know that I have the backing of my Higher Power and my recovery program. I try not to worry about tomorrow or fret about what happened in the past. Live in the moment. One day at a time.