Recovery

Ten Tidbits (Timbits?)

/ Tim / 2 Comments

I’ve learned a lot of life lessons since coming into the program. This is not an exhaustive list and not in any order of importance. Think of these as a few thoughts that popped into my head.

1. I am not alone.  For many years in my disease I didn’t want to admit that I needed anyone and at the end I didn’t want to admit that I needed help.  Even after starting the process of recovery it was difficult to ask for help.  This was foreign territory for me, both the program and the asking for help.

2. It’s the engine that kills you, not the caboose.  It never crossed my mind that the first hit or shot of something was what got my addiction going.  Once I had something in my system, the obsession took over and all of my resolve disolved. I said only one, and suddenly I had ten.  The first one is the deadly one that took me down the track each time.  The last one, just kept me out of it a little bit longer.

3. What other people think is none of my business.  This one was difficult for me to wrap my head around.  I slowly came to understand that when I was worried and thinking about what others might think about me, then I was giving my will over to them so that they would like me, I was handing over my self esteem to others and praying for a pat on the head.  I know now that I have to be true to myself.  It’s nice if others like me, but it’s not necessary.

4.  Faith will move mountains, but bring a shovel. I have learned that I am not helpless. There are many things that I can and must do to maintain my sobriety.  I know I have a Higher Power who has always looked after me. I have to look after me too. To get to sobriety takes work, work that I have to do.

5.  Not to decide is still a decision. I had heard this one years before, but I became an expert in the years leading up to my coming to the rooms.  I just sort of let life happen.  I needed to go somewhere or do something but I didn’t seem to have the energy to go or do anything.  So I would let it slide.  Letting it slide was my decision not to do something.  I take a more proactive approach today in doing the ‘next right thing’.

6.  Service will keep you sober.  This one was drilled into me from day one.  It took a year or so before I could begin to really understand what was happening.  When I was doing ‘service’: washing coffee cups, helping to set up for meetings, greeting people as they arrived, I was getting out of my own head.  My head is where the monkeys live and they like to have a circus whenever they can.  Service, I have found is a way of keeping them in their cages.  I get out of me and see that there is a whole other world out there.

7.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. How many times did I wake up and say: ‘I’m never doing that again!’ only to be back at it by noon. Of course I was. I wasn’t changing anything different and yet, I expected I could stay sober. Thanks to my sponsors and personal reflection, I am able to have a clearer picture of what I am doing in life. I have to do something.  A change of only one degree on your bearing will drastically change where you will end up.

8.  There are many paths to get to where you want to go. “Do you know that way to San Jose?” goes the song.  Living in Costa Rica with it’s capital being San Jose, I can give you a definite ‘yes’, I do know the way to San Jose. There are many ways to get there. Some are more direct, others are more scenic, some require a four-wheel drive vehicle. Eventually, following these ‘ways’, you will get to San Jose.  So it is with sobriety. My program is not the only way. There are many sober people in the world who do not follow the same program as I do.  So it is with faith.  My Higher Power works for me, and yours works for you.  The point is, they all get us to where we want to go.

9.  The more we learn, the more we learn how much more there is to learn. A friend of mine in the program who started out well over thirty years ago talks of a member of his group who was an old, old timer who was around when the program was in its infancy. The fellow used to say at meeting: “Folks, we’re just scratching the surface here.” I agree. When I came in I thought I knew what I was doing.  Now I see a depth of faith in others in the program that I want and I know I can have if I work for it.  I see understanding of the literature that goes way over my head.  It is a challenge to me to keep asking questions, seeking more answers.  It is a journey that I am enjoying a great deal.

10. There is no room for resentment, anger or fear in a heart full of gratitude.  Gratitude takes me out of me and into the realm of the spirit. When I am grateful for all that I have been given, then the petty things of the world around me fall by the wayside. How can I hold a grudge, hate someone or worry about tomorrow when I acknowledge the many ways I have always been very blessed? I can’t. I am grateful.

“ONE” at a Time

/ Tim / 2 Comments

One of our recovery group’s slogans is, “Live one day at a time.” It’s a good slogan to live by for anyone in recovery or not. The idea is not to get too far ahead of ourselves; stay in the moment and leave the future to one’s Higher Power.  Along with this slogan I would like to add a bit of an addendum: “Do one thing at a time.”

Those of us in recovery suffer from the disease of “More”.

We wanted more of whatever our addiction consisted of when we were in our disease, and we still want more of everything now. If a little is good, then more should be even better is our logic. It comes as no surprise then, that when we try things, we try them in a huge way. I think it is a recipe for failure.

The floor of gyms and fitness centres are strewn with the remains of lost resolutions and self-promises.  How many times have we said to ourselves on January 1st that we are going to join a gym, workout, go on a diet, loose those extra pounds, eat healthier, quit smoking.  You know those resolutions we make to become better physically.  Or we resolve to meditate daily along with taking walks in nature, reading inspirational literature and eating a vegan diet.  There is nothing wrong with all of these things in and of themselves, but those of us with the disease of “More” it spells disaster.  Why?

I think it’s because we put all of our eggs in one basket; mentally, all of these resolutions are tied together as one. Should I fail at one of these, say slip up on my diet, then in my mind I have failed at all of them.  Or if I miss going to the gym one day then it’s easier to miss another day. My mind says: “Well, you missed going to the gym, you screwed up on that and everything.  You may as well eat that eclair now because you’re going to screw up your diet too!” So, downhearted by one small failure, we let all of the other eggs fall out of the hole in our basket instead of stopping and repairing the hole. I am not saying that making several major life changes like this is impossible to do all at once, but I am suggesting that we are putting ourselves at a greater risk failure if we do.

Do one thing, do it well and only then move on.

This is what I have been learning. It takes time for the old habits to die and new ones to replace them. I’ve read in several places that we need to practice a behaviour for at least a month before it becomes a habit. I need to give myself time.  I focus on one thing at a time and I have a better chance at success.  I believe that is important for those of us with the disease of “More” because we think we can handle it when we’re probably not ready to do so.

It brings to mind a person who was in her second month of recovery.  She decided it would be good for her to give up smoking cigarettes too.  She asked me to be her ‘quit smoking’ sponsor; if giving up booze and drugs is good then so is smoking. That’s true. However, I recommended that she get through her first six months at least in the program to get herself grounded in recovery before attempting another major change in her life. Unfortunately she was back smoking within 10 days and drinking about a week after that.  I can’t say that she would have succeeded in sobriety had she not quit smoking.  I don’t know.  However, I have seen it happen more than once where people in recovery take on too much at the beginning and make it very difficult for themselves.

One of anything at a time; that’s about all I can handle.

Sobriety has to be my number one priority.  As we say in our group, whatever I put ahead of my sobriety will be the second thing I loose. I take my sobriety one day at a time.  I’ll share one more metaphor.  I like a nice frosted chocolate cake.  Hmmm.  However, if I shove the whole thing in my mouth at once I will choke. If I eat it one forkful at a time, I can enjoy and savour it.

Take it easy folks.  ONE of anything at a time is about all any of us can handle.

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Photo: Barrie Cripps

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Peace

Enabling Charity

/ Tim / 1 Comment

panhandleA blogger that I follow wrote about something that happened to her a few days back.  In a nutshell: a street person who looked like an addict asked her for some money to buy bread. She offered to buy the bread for this person, but that offer was refused. She was wondering if she had handled this situation correctly.

This reminded me of something similar that happened to me last year. Someone asked me for some money for food as I was returning home from walking my dogs. I told him to hang on, went into the house and returned with a small bag of tortillas and an easy-to-open tin of tuna, which he accepted. A short while later when I was heading off to town, I saw the unopened tin and tortillas tossed off to the side of the road a little ways up from my front gate. I guess he wasn’t as hungry as he claimed.

The question is, do I give people money who ask for it, even if it seems obvious that it’s probably going toward the purchase of a small rock or bottle? Am I not enabling them in their addiction? As someone in recovery I am torn.  I may not have lived on the streets, but I realize that had I not received the gift of recovery when I did, that is where I would have ended up.  I do know what it is like to need that fix of whatever. I do know the need to have something in me to calm my nerves and stop my hands from shaking. In those moments, I didn’t need food. What I really needed right then was my ‘stuff’. Without it I could hardly function even at the most basic level.  I may have been somewhat hungry, but my addiction was front and centre. Until that craving was fulfilled, everything else was in second place.

That’s why it’s hard to answer the question.  On the one hand, I don’t wish to contribute to the further destruction of an individual. On the other hand, I know the intensity, the yearning, the incessant pleading of addiction.  Why did this person asked for food, when money for his ‘stuff’ was what he really needed? Probably to sound better and make his appeal more palatable. Probably because it worked. Coins for food doesn’t sound like I’m enabling someone in their addiction.

Early in my recovery a fellow approached me.  “Listen man,” he said.  “I’m an addict.  I need money to get some shit.”  I was taken aback by his honesty, and thanked him for it. It was a novel and honest approach and it worked. I gave him the equivalent of about a dollar and reminded him that it he wanted to get off the roller coaster he was on I would be happy to talk to him.  But his ‘need’ had to be fulfilled and he was off.

All of this reminds me of a story I heard years ago from a Jesuit priest who lived in one of the sketchier neighbourhoods of New York City.  Every day when he left his apartment he was bombarded by people panhandling on the street. Should he give money? Who should he give it to? To how many should he give? He came upon a wise solution. He put a dollar bill into the pocket of his jacket when he left for work.  The first person who asked him for money that morning got the dollar. He didn’t ask the reason why this person needed the money, nor judge that his clothes were too clean or too dirty to deserve that dollar. He just gave it away.  The priest said that it wasn’t his responsibility to judge people, their circumstances, or their lifestyle.  His responsibility was to be charitable to others, to offer his time, talent and treasure to all people.

This is an approach that works for me.  I’ve been struggling with giving money to an individual when it is obvious what it going to be used to buy. I know what they are going through. I can relate to their suffering. So I’ve determined that each day I will give the equivalent of one dollar to the first person who asks me for it. After that, anyone else who wants food or bus fare, I’ll buy it for them if they really want it and if I have it to spend.  It’s a solution that works for me and I offer it as one of many possible solutions for others who are struggling with this question.

Here’s a link to the original article by Candace Bisram in her blog “Pocketful of Smiles” that inspired me to write this today.