When We Were Wrong

October 19, 2017October 18, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

There’s no shame or harm in changing your direction. In fact, it’s often absolutely necessary if we are to survive and remain sane! Isn’t that what we are praying for in the Serenity Prayer: courage to change the things I can? Whether it is a minor course correction or a major shift in my life direction, I need to step out of my comfort zone and make those changes. If I am to be happy, joyous and free, then I must be willing to change and do what I must as I trudge the road of happy destiny.

I read a few days ago again that an airplane is off course 90% of the time. Wind is constantly blowing that metal tube about, shifting it’s position. There are often cloud banks and storms the the pilot can avoid by navigating around them. The pilot or autopilot is constantly making subtle changes in order to keep the airplane safe and to bring it back on course to its destination. And though it may seem a miracle, it lands on time and where it was supposed to land.

It’s not a miracle, not really. It’s a result of the constant attention of the flight crew. Those constant course corrections nudge the plane back on course. A constant check to see where it is headed. That’s what Step 10 is all about: course correction. “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.” This is our regular measure of where we are and where we are headed.

Especially early on in the program, it is so easy to stray in our thinking. Everything is new: sobriety, sharing, slogans, steps and sponsors are part of a whole new vocabulary in our lives. It seems there is so much to learn and at the same time so much to forget. The good news for newcomers, as I was told early on, is that you can start to practice any step that has a “1” in it right from the beginning, so steps 10, 11 and 12 can be worked while you’re still on the first step.

It need not be complicated, and you probably already do it to some degree. At some point in the evening we can go over the day and pick out what went well, and what didn’t. If we need to, we can talk to our sponsor about it. It may well be that we had acted like a jerk to a friend or coworker and tomorrow we can apologize. No need to take on the sins of the world here, just a simple, “I’m sorry, I acted like a jerk yesterday.” is all that is needed. It doesn’t even matter whether the apology is accepted, because forgiveness is not the goal, clearing our conscience is! Keeping our own side of the street clean early in sobriety is a good way to practice the program principles. It helps to keep us true to this new direction we are headed.

And to be honest, even after years of sobriety, a slight variation in thinking can gradually lead to bad decisions that lead back to the bottle, the pipe and the syringe. Meeting rooms are full of people who were absolutely certain they “had” the program before and suddenly they found themselves back where they started, even after more than ten or twenty years sometimes. A spot check inventory helps to keep us in touch with ourselves, our program and our Higher Power. Like any other terminal condition, I must take my medicine which is the practice and the living of all of the 12 steps of our program, every day. I can’t let up; there is no “free” day here. It’s one day at a time, one day, everyday.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

EGO minus E plus D

October 16, 2017October 15, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

Probably no human power could have relieved me of my addiction. And when I mention human power, I think of my power. And that power comes from my ego. For me, when I speak of ego, I am talking about my self-concept, who I am, or better, who I think I am. It is my ego that tells me I am separate from everyone, that my consciousness ends here…and everything else is ‘out there’.

When I was in my addiction, my ego told me that I was okay. I was fine. I might have screwed something up, but everyone does that. My ego liked to justify my actions. It is my ego that told me I was better than everyone else and the same ego that said I was worse than whale dung at the bottom of the ocean. If I came out on top, I would say that I did that! If I was circling the hole at the bottom of the toilet, than it was circumstances, or problems or others who were the cause. Ego likes to take credit and cast blame. Ego believes it can do no wrong and can justify any action it takes. Ego believes that it has all the power.

When I began my journey down Recovery River, I had to admit that Ego wasn’t always telling me the truth, or what it was giving me was a slanted version of the truth. Ego told me that my using wasn’t bad. It told me I could quit any old time I wanted to. It said that those people really don’t care about me. Ego said I was better than the guy who panhandles on the street for a rock or who drinks Listerine or who’s been thrown out of his home. Ego told me I didn’t need help and that it would handle everything. Even after I had been in the program for a while Ego said that I had this and I could handle this by myself; I wouldn’t need the group, the meetings, a sponsor or the steps to stay sober.

However, it became glaringly apparent that Ego wasn’t doing its job, or perhaps it was doing its job too well! I am grateful that I listened to those about me and not to Ego. Perhaps I hadn’t had a bottom as low as some others around the table, but they told me if I wanted to follow Ego, I was more than welcome to hand my life back to Ego to find out how things would go.

Fortunately, I started to relate to what was being said around the table and not compare myself. I saw that while I wasn’t panhandling, but I wasn’t paying bills on time and I always made sure that I had my stash. I wasn’t drinking mouthwash, but I was buying the cheapest liquor so that I could afford more. I wasn’t out on the street, but my addiction made me a poor choice for a companion. I began to see that what Ego said was twisted. I began to see that Ego’s power was limited. It was limited because it was controlled by me: Ego was controlling Ego which became a vicious cycle spiraling downward.

What became my power? At that point it didn’t matter. All that mattered is that it wasn’t me, Ego, that had the power in my life. Hell, a door knob had more power because at least it was useful; at least it could open a door. I came to believe in a power greater than myself: something, anything was more powerful than I was at that point. Ego had proven itself a powerless liar leading me down the proverbial garden path.

I have to say that I am still reticent to use the word God. I prefer to use Higher Power, or Consciousness or the Infinite. I prefer to end the meeting with the Serenity Prayer rather than the Our Father. I prefer not to define the who, what or how of my Higher Power because putting a definition on that power also puts limits on what that power can do. Slowly I am growing in my understanding of this God.

When things are not going as I would have hoped, I can always look for Ego in the situation. Every time I look, I find it. Ego is me looking for things to go my way. Ego is justifying and rationalizing my actions. Ego is building me up or tearing you down. When I stop and recognize what is happening, I can do as someone said: “Drop the E and and a D. I turn it over to God, as I understand it, her, him, and somehow my perspective changes, I realize I am not in this alone. I know that Ego is not in charge. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace

A Call to Action

October 12, 2017October 11, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

For many, the Serenity Prayer is a nice little prayer that most of us say on a daily basis, or at least whenever we attend recovery meetings. We ask for ‘serenity’, ‘wisdom’ and ‘courage’ very nicely and hope that our Higher Power will ‘grant’ it to us. It may seem like a meek, humble prayer, but it doesn’t have to be. I believe it is a prayer of great strength.

When I came to recovery, the first step ‘suggested’ that I admit my powerlessness when it comes to drugs and alcohol. It wasn’t hard to admit. I couldn’t get very far in a day without trying to alter my body chemistry in some way. And for the most part, the rest of the day I was either pursuing more, money to get more, or scheming some way to make it all work. My whole day, hell, my whole being was caught up with my addiction. And once it was in my system, I just wanted more and more and oblivion. The next morning the cycle continued. No, admitting powerlessness wasn’t difficult. Addiction was managing my life; I sure wasn’t.

What I learned when I came into the rooms is that while I might be powerless before alcohol and drugs, I was not helpless. And there’s a big difference that I didn’t see before I arrived. Powerlessness means that while I may once have had power, I have lost that power; I must stand aside and let whatever happens, happen. There is nothing I can do to diminish or stop its progress. Helplessness implies a complete inability to change or react to circumstances. I acted helpless when I arrived. But it wasn’t long before I heard that there were indeed things I could do to maintain my sobriety: stay away from my old haunts, go to meetings, give other members a call, read the literature. I felt at first that it was a daunting task, but I could do something to help myself. Indeed, while I wasn’t fighting it alone, the responsibility to take up the sword and lead the battle against my disease fell to me.

The Serenity Prayer became my battle cry. I claimed the serenity, courage and wisdom and fought my demons. There were many days where I would hop onto my motorcycle and ride, going nowhere in particular, saying the Serenity Prayer over and over and over. And slowly this mantra gave me blessed me with a calmness that would start in my head and filter down to my heart. And I could return to face what I had just ran from.

By working all of the steps, I’ve learned how to deal with situations that before I couldn’t not have handled. I’ve found the serenity to accept, the courage to change and the wisdom to discern. One day I realized that the demons stopped knocking on the my door. Oh, I hold no illusions: I know they are still around, waiting up the street for me to slip up so they can come back with a vengeance. I know that I am still powerless over my addiction and always will be. However, I was not helpless when I first came into the program and I am not helpless today. There is always something that I can do and for me, the Serenity Prayer is my first recourse. Secondly, I still do the five things that were ‘suggested’ to me:

Don’t drink.
Go to meetings.
Get a Home Group.
Get a Sponsor.
Work the Steps.

These five things connected me. They connect me to my real self, to others, to the program and to my Higher Power. I never was alone, and now I know I am not alone.

Finally, I am reminded of a reworking of this prayer that also rings true for me:
God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the Courage to change the ones I can, and the Wisdom to realize that one is Me.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace