Recovery

As I Am

/ Tim / 2 Comments

I am always amazed at how much we try to impress others. We think we have to dress a particular way, drive a special car, live in an upscale neighbourhood, speak in a certain way or dress in the newest fashions. We have a need to make ourselves appear more than what we are. I think it goes beyond ego to something instinctual; a need to show off and impress, sort of like the mating rituals of birds or the rutting contests of rams.

Life doesn’t have to be such as contest, It can be absolutely wonderful when I keep it simple. Some of the best meals I’ve eaten have been well prepared good food eaten in great company. The beauty of a sunset or the gait of a majestic horse are simple, plain and yet very memorable. A walk with a friend by a river or a stroll through a park can give me peace of mind. And these are all simple, unadorned things. I don’t need to impress. I am perfect just the way I am.

It’s taken a long time to get to this point in my life. And I admit that I can easily slip back into old habits of ‘dress to impress’, or ‘be there or be square!’ But I’ve learned that most people aren’t thinking about me; they’re wondering about what others are thinking about them! Like the young boy whistling in the dark, trying to convince himself that he’s not afraid, we strut and pose hoping that people won’t notice that we might not ‘fit in’ with the ‘in’ crowd. In recovery, I’m discovering that perhaps I don’t want to fit in, and that the in crowd is way out of where I want to be.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” Dr. Seuss

I’m learning in the program to become right sized. I need to keep my ego in check; I am neither more nor less than who I am. I need not impress others. I am fine just the way I am: a human being trying to be whole and authentic. If others don’t like the direction I’m heading, that’s fine. I’m not responsible for what others think and say about me. I’m learning to let that go.

Today I prefer simple. I like honest. I seek knowledge. What I drive, where I live or who I hang out with are no longer my priorities. Yes, I prefer certain things in life, but they don’t make my life. I could lose them all tomorrow and I will still be just fine. I am learning to carry with me the memories and the lessons of life that never fall out of fashion. I am grateful.

Peace

Progress, not Perfection

/ Tim / 3 Comments

Last week I sneezed rather forcefully and my back went out. There went the weekend plans out the window. I was forced to make changes. It was not the first time it happened and fortunately, I have a small ‘TENS’ unit which I can use to send electrical impulses across my lower back and a good ice pack. Using them alternatively helps to ease the discomfort. Regardless, I know from experience that I need to do two things. First, I need to relax and take it easy, resting horizontally for a couple of day. Second, I need to look at why this happened, asking myself what are the physical and spiritual components to this occurrence.

I have come to learn from my own disease of addiction that I am an interconnected: when the body is in pain, so is the soul, and visa versa. I admire societies where a shaman is called who works with the body and the soul to promote healing. Western society separates the role of the doctor and the priest: medicine and spirituality are kept apart. Like my addiction, I know if there is a physical component, there is also a spiritual one. When something is wrong with the body there is something wrong with the soul and the soul-sickness usually develops before the bodily one.

Looking back I can see I put myself under stress physically (more intense gym workouts) and spiritually (holiday preparation, work and not keeping up with my program of meditation-journaling). I believe both of these resulted in my back deciding to go on vacation, forcing me to change some plans, slow down and get back to basics.

I am grateful that I have a recovery program to turn to. I am grateful that I have learned to see the signs, sometimes even before the physical torture of a lower back spasm. My spine is like a river with its electrical impulses flowing up and down. I can dam the flow and when I do that, I cause problems. And like the river, it takes time to take apart the pieces of the dam that restrict the flow but gradually it returns to normal.

These few days have given me time to catch up on reading, writing and appreciating the health that I do have. They have been a reminder to me how important it is to keep up my program and the short distance between ease and dis-ease. The steps of my recovery program require that I live them. They are not a checklist that I can forget about once finished; they require a daily recommitment to keep them fresh and alive.

I know this, and yet I still let things slide once in a while. I am grateful that this is a program of progress and not perfection: one day at a time. Our goal isn’t becoming saints, rather pilgrims enjoying the journey of life with others. I am grateful that I can now recognize when that’s not happening and that I have the tools to put me back on that path. Maybe next time I will recognize it before I can’t get out of bed in the morning.

Peace.pexels-photo-261415.jpeg

An Easy Way?

/ Tim / 1 Comment

Twice this past week I heard about a pill that will remove addiction and bring a person into recovery. Taking the pill is supposed to stop the cravings and even allow an alcoholic to take a drink or two without triggering a fatal obsession of needing ‘more’. What a magic pill indeed that might be to those for whom it is effective. However, I have learned that the disease of addition is three part disease: physical, emotional and spiritual. A pill only deals with the physical side of our disease.

I don’t claim that a twelve step recovery program is the only way to find a way out. I only know it works for for me, as long as I work this program. It is a program that treats all three aspects of my disease. A pill, while it seems the answer to an addict’s problems, is an easier, softer way that ultimately won’t work because it doesn’t deal with many of the root problems that result in addiction. By working the steps I was able realize that I didn’t just have a problem with substances, my real difficulties lay in my inability to face life as it is. As they say, “I came because of my drinking problem but I stayed for my thinking problem.”

The lure of the quick fix or easy money, is often impossible to resist. We want the results without putting in the work needed to achieve that result. I want the great car, but want to find a way to get it without having to work and save to buy it. I want the great relationship so I buy a book that will show me how easy it is. I want to quit drinking so I buy a pill so I won’t have to go to a recovery program and actually do the work I need to do about my approach to life.

Most of us know that simply removing the substance from an addict might force that addict to be clean or the drunk to be sober, but it won’t alter the fact that all the problems that we sought to escape are still there. All of the difficulties we had dealing with resentments, anger and fear are still there. Take the substance away and those character traits are all still present and often magnified because the drug or alcohol is no longer present.  I need the program to help me to deal with ‘me’, my resentment, anger and fear so that I can live with myself and others in relative happiness, joy and freedom.

If addiction were a simple disease that only had a physical component then popping another pill might be the answer. I have come to realize that it is multifaceted. Before coming into a twelve step program I stopped on my own several times, once for almost five years. When I started back, I was completely clean and sober. I can’t blame the substance for making me start again: there wasn’t anything in my system. I must learn how to deal with the emotional and spiritual components as well if I am to find a recovery that works.