Recovery

An Open Mind

/ Tim / 2 Comments

As I journey down my own path of happy destiny I am discovering that one of the greatest gifts of my recovery is an open mind. I endeavour to keep my judgements of others to a minimum. I look to dig deeper into life and develop a greater understanding of it. I keep asking questions and seek answers. I look to others the help me on this quest because I know that alone I’m not all that great finding those solutions. After all, my best thinking landed me at the doors of a recovery program.

Having an open mind frees me from judging what others people do. If I don’t judge something as right or wrong then there little chance it’s going to irritate me, cause me to feel anger or develop a fear or a resentment. Having an open mind allows me to see that I have a very limited perspective on things. Good or bad, I see now, are relative. What is good for the lion isn’t so great for the gazelle and visa versa. I have plenty of work understanding my own reasonings sometimes; I’m really not up to judging someone else’s rational. I really didn’t know what was good or bad for me so how could I judge it for another?

Having an open mind allow me to really ‘live and let live’. In the same way that I’ve discovered that yesterday’s answers may not be the answer I need today, I realize that my answers may not work for someone else. I can see that everyone of us is on our own path of discovery and we all take that path at our own pace. Why is it that someone comes into recovery at 25 and it took me another 25 years for me to get to it? I am on different path and moving at a different speed.

Having an open mind allows me to look at different religions, spiritualities, concepts of a Higher Power and how it all works together. I am fascinated by the beliefs and rituals of people around the world. I enjoy talking to people and reading of people’s experiences. I find that the more I do that, the more I grow in understand my own Higher Power and the less likely that I will judge others or their actions.

Finally, having an open mind gives me peace of mind. I don’t have to constantly be defending my position and beliefs. I don’t see other’s actions as purposely done against me. I need not point out that I’m right and you’re wrong. I can accept things as they are, not how I think they should be. If I’m not occupied by what should be done or could have been done I have more free time to continue my exploration of this path and enjoy life. And that, I think, is the whole point.  Indeed, what a gift is an open mind.

I am grateful.

 

Falling Together

/ Tim / 1 Comment

 

“Just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may be falling together for the first time.”                 …Neale Donald Walsch
     I was a little more than a year into recovery when I broke my leg. I remember thinking, while I was lying there waiting for the ambulance, ‘This is going to change a few things!’ I ran my own business (a Bed and Breakfast Inn) and did most of the work myself. A couple of weeks later my relationship that had been limping along for several years finally ended. I thought, ‘What the hell, is this going to continue?’  My ‘go to’ for keeping myself somewhat sane was going to about 12 meetings a week and driving my motorcycle to out of town meetings. That wasn’t going to be happening for a while. The final thing was that I had already started the process with my doctor of weaning myself off of anti depression medication so I was ‘phasing’ every once in a while
     For the first month or so I was pretty much confined to home. I hired two people who were also in recovery to help me do all the work at the B&B. My mother and my ex pitched in when they could as well. And it was all working out fine. My sponsor came to visit as did other program friends. We had meetings around my bed at first, and later in the living room. Friends lent me some recovery literature. And I survived.
     I also learned several things. I learned that I didn’t have to do anything alone if I didn’t want to. I learned again of the generosity of people. I learned that things didn’t have to be done ‘my way’ to be done ‘properly’. I learned that my ‘perfectionist’ ways could be a whole lot more flexible. I never heard one complaint that I didn’t make the muffins or that the bed was made wrong or the bathroom was dirty. Everything got done just fine.
     I learned that while I wasn’t all that happy with how my life was at this particular moment, I was learning in recovery to play the ‘long game’. I might not see exactly what was happening or why it was happening, but I could trust the process and know that all was happening as it should. And I learned that I could survive and stay clean and sober even when the wheels fell off of the cart, or in our case, the wagon. Finally, it was at this point in my life that I began my journey deeper into spirituality and awakening.
In the time since that epic month of August in 2012, everything that came apart, came back together. After a couple of operations, a hard cast, a soft cast, walkers, crutches and canes and a month of physiotherapy, my leg healed.  A year later the business sold and I moved full time to Costa Rica, which had been a dream of mine. I haven’t had the need to return to medication for depression and I am still in recovery. There was a lot of change in a short time and a new me emerged from the ashes.
     Other momentous things have happened since in recovery. I now tend to look at them as stepping stones on the path. Some I have liked and some I would have preferred to avoid, but if that’s the next right step, then I take it. I’ve learned to trust my Higher Power and the process. My life fell back together in a way I couldn’t have imagined. I am grateful.

Changing Allegiances

/ Tim / 2 Comments

I didn’t realize it then, but in working Step Three wasn’t doing anything different than what I had already been doing. In turning my life over to the care of a Power greater than myself I was continuing to do what I had done for years. I always had a power greater than myself only it was the god of my disease: alcoholism and addiction.

My life was commanded by my desire and need for alternative substances in my body. I couldn’t live life on life’s terms. I couldn’t face the world without altering my mind. However, this power greater than myself wasn’t interested in caring for me. It was only interested in more and having its needs satisfied and it’s cravings met. This power was a monster that took over my life and my mind and recreated it in its own image. It got to the point where everything I did, all I thought about was feeding the god of my disease. I had turned my life and will over to the care of this higher power but it wasn’t benevolent. It wasn’t life giving. There was no care. My disease had a huge appetite and it wanted it satisfied; it cared little of me. It gave me a life beyond my wildest nightmares.

Step Three: Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as we understood him. 

So in working through Step Three I was changing allegiances. I made the decision that my disease would no longer be my higher power and ruler of my life. I decided that my disease was not a worthy higher power any more. I decided that I deserved better than it was giving me. I finally saw that it had promised abundance in my life and ended up taking away everything it had promised. I needed a new Higher Power.

I decided to turn my life and will over to the care of a Higher Power. In the years since, my life has changed drastically for the better. This is not the jealous, covetous, demanding and mean power I once adored. It is one that presents me with opportunities to grow in love and understanding of it and of life. It opens up my interactions with others. It gives me hope. Together we are creating a life that is more balanced, peaceful, loving and kind.

As I grow in recovery I have discovered that my understand of my Higher Power is changing as I am changing. I don’t know exactly what that Higher Power is. I’ve discovered that to try to define it would limit its power, so I get my understanding of it by looking around and seeing what it does in my life and the lives of those around me. In recovery I’ve discovered a new way to live a life which really does present me with freedom, happiness and serenity. I’ve finally discovered a Higher Power that delivers on its promises.