Hope

Season of Change

/ Tim / 2 Comments

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 1:1

My mother gave me the example each spring of this time of change by embarking on ‘spring cleaning’. After the long Ontario winter with all the windows sealed and doors barely cracked, the house was opened again to the spring breezes. Wall were washed, curtains and drapes laundered, floor received a deep scrubbing, carpets were cleaned and usually one room got new a wallpaper treatment. My father got out the tractor, cultivator and drill to prepare and sow the fields. And the cows literally jumped for joy after being let out onto a field after being cooped up in the barn for the cold winter months.

I have always loved the springtime. It’s a time of new birth, growth. Living close to the equator, there’s really only the dry and the rainy seasons. And right now we are transitioning into the rainy season. For me it is just like spring.  When the rains return after months of none it is as magical as spring. There are new sprouts on trees, a greening of the fields and the earth soaks in life-giving moisture to sprout the dried seeds of the jungle. Rebirth and new life abound.  It’s a time of changes and a time for change.

As I work through my recovery program, now is a good time for doing a thorough recap of my program and where I’m at in it. I may not do a Step Four inventory as meticulously as I did the first one, but once a year it’s not a bad idea to take the time to step back and see how I am living my life in recovery. Am I satisfied with certain aspects of my life? Are there areas where I need to do more work? What’s my relationship like with my Higher Power and with others? Where do I need to trim, plant and grow in my life of recovery? Is it time to do a review of all the steps with my sponsor?

Recovery isn’t something I get once and then I’ve got it. I have to tend to it and foster it to keep it alive and growing. A stagnant recovery is like a stagnant pond: eventually it won’t be as fresh and if left alone too long, things will start to smell. Fresh running water is the solution. And for me a renewed look at the state of my recovery is in order. I’m fortunate that the change of seasons, my birthday and my recovery anniversary all fall within this month. Each of these remind me that time moves on and I must flow along with it.

Now is the season to do the spring cleaning. Now is the time to prepare and sow. I cannot take my recovery for granted; it doesn’t work that way. It must be constantly renewed, tended and nurtured if I am to reap its promises. My recommitment keeps it fresh and keeps my spirit vigorous. I am grateful.

 

Act as If

/ Tim / 1 Comment

“I’ve got this!” Famous last words of many folks who had no idea of what or how things could go wrong. Suddenly they will be nominated for a Darwin Award: a prize given to those who contribute to our gene pool by removing themselves from it. It’s a fitting crown to an otherwise obscure tombstone.

So often we think that we’ve ‘got’ it, and we don’t know how close we are to ‘lost’ it. There are so many variables in life that it is impossible to have sufficient contingency plans for everything. A tire will explode; a dog will cross your path; the ladder will break. It’s not a matter of good or bad karma. Things happen. It’s often the timing and the consequences of those things that we judge to be good, bad or indifferent: how do I perceive it?

Take for example the tire exploding. If it happens when the car is parked, just after we got home then, “Well, it’s a miracle that we made it!” If it happens just before we are about to leave then, “What bad luck, now I have to change the damn tire!” If it happens while driving too fast down a gravel road in the mountains, we may not survive to make a comment.

I’m learning that I simply don’t have control. I have plenty of evidence that gives me the illusion that I can control things: it worked today, so it will work tomorrow. However, there is never a guarantee that walking to work today will be as uneventful as it was yesterday or the day before, or the ride I’m about to take on my motorcycle will end with me safe and sound back in my home. The guy who said, “I got this!” might have done the same thing 25 times before without turning himself into a human torch. The unexpected happens. We all know this is true on some level, yet we still venture out into the ‘unknown’.

Why aren’t we paralysed with fear? Why would we ever leave the ‘safety’ of our homes? I think it is because we know on some level that we have to ‘act as if’ things are going to be fine, that they will run like clockwork and we’ll be tucked safely into bed at the end of the day. It’s an agreement with life that we will act and think as though things will happen as we intend them to happen. And for the most part, they do.

When I came into recovery I began to ‘act as if’ I was sober and clean. I ‘acted as if’ I could spend the rest of the day without consuming. I went to meetings, I worked the steps and talked to my sponsor because I was ‘acting like someone in a recovery program’ until I actually began to feel that I was no longer acting. And when I ‘came to believe’ in a power greater than myself, I was opting into the same belief system that I was operating with before: that if I would ‘act as if’ there was a Higher Power in my life until I could really believe and trust. The program has given me a new perspective. Now I don’t have to ‘act as if’. Now I know, “We got this!”

As I Am

/ Tim / 2 Comments

I am always amazed at how much we try to impress others. We think we have to dress a particular way, drive a special car, live in an upscale neighbourhood, speak in a certain way or dress in the newest fashions. We have a need to make ourselves appear more than what we are. I think it goes beyond ego to something instinctual; a need to show off and impress, sort of like the mating rituals of birds or the rutting contests of rams.

Life doesn’t have to be such as contest, It can be absolutely wonderful when I keep it simple. Some of the best meals I’ve eaten have been well prepared good food eaten in great company. The beauty of a sunset or the gait of a majestic horse are simple, plain and yet very memorable. A walk with a friend by a river or a stroll through a park can give me peace of mind. And these are all simple, unadorned things. I don’t need to impress. I am perfect just the way I am.

It’s taken a long time to get to this point in my life. And I admit that I can easily slip back into old habits of ‘dress to impress’, or ‘be there or be square!’ But I’ve learned that most people aren’t thinking about me; they’re wondering about what others are thinking about them! Like the young boy whistling in the dark, trying to convince himself that he’s not afraid, we strut and pose hoping that people won’t notice that we might not ‘fit in’ with the ‘in’ crowd. In recovery, I’m discovering that perhaps I don’t want to fit in, and that the in crowd is way out of where I want to be.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” Dr. Seuss

I’m learning in the program to become right sized. I need to keep my ego in check; I am neither more nor less than who I am. I need not impress others. I am fine just the way I am: a human being trying to be whole and authentic. If others don’t like the direction I’m heading, that’s fine. I’m not responsible for what others think and say about me. I’m learning to let that go.

Today I prefer simple. I like honest. I seek knowledge. What I drive, where I live or who I hang out with are no longer my priorities. Yes, I prefer certain things in life, but they don’t make my life. I could lose them all tomorrow and I will still be just fine. I am learning to carry with me the memories and the lessons of life that never fall out of fashion. I am grateful.

Peace