Higher Power

Connecting with Spirit

/ Tim / Leave a comment

Reconnecting with my Higher Power is the most important part of my recovery.  When I came to the meeting rooms it was to get rid of my addiction, not to be prostletized.  In fact I stayed away from twelve step groups for more than two years because I wanted nothing to do with God, religion, or Christianity.  I tried counseling, meditation, acupuncture and even my own willpower to get clean and sober but nothing worked.  Not for long anyway.  I knew I had to do something to make a change. I was desperate enough that even though I feared I might end up under the thumb of some bible thumping, born-again fundamentalist, I went to that first meeting. That’s how beaten down I was.

I found, very soon, was that my preconceptions were unfounded. I didn’t have to believe any set of rules or dogmas,  bow to any statues or light candles while chanting. I was given suggestions.  In the second step I “…came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.”  It was a gradual thing, this opening up to something other than myself.  I heard others in the room speak about their experiences with their higher power.  It didn’t have to be the God I grew up with.  It could be anything that had a power greater than me.  And, at that point, there were a lot of things that had plenty of power over me including my addiction, alcohol and drugs.  I learned that I could choose my own my higher power, a ‘God of my understanding’.

Gradually I changed my focus to some sort of a spiritually based power.  Gradually I began to form a connection with something greater than me.  I didn’t really understand what I was doing, but I was told to do and I was beaten down enough by that irrepressible demoralization I have spoken of before, that I did what I was told.  I was told to ‘act as if’.  Act as if I were happy, act as if I were sober, act as if I liked who I was, act as if I was connected to my higher power.  At first, I felt like a fraud.  I felt I was pretending to be something or someone I wasn’t.  But it was explained to me that we all do that when we start anything new.  When we begin a new job, we act as if we know what we are doing.  When we go to a new social situation we act as if we are cool, suave and in control even though we have no idea of the dynamics of the people around us. And, gradually we do learn and we can stop ‘acting as if’, because we finally know.

That is how it was with me and that new Higher Power I found through the program. Gradually I started to want serenity, courage and wisdom.  Gradually I wanted to talk to that Higher Power, though it was more of  a one sided chat at first, I continued.  And gradually I began to see results; the main one being that I was sober for the first time in years. I wasn’t made to believe, I came to believe. Gradually that connection to my Higher Power was made.  And finally, I came the realization that my Higher Power always has been connected to me, is with me now and will always be with me.  It’s a knowing that I have in my head and feel in my chest.

Oh, I still have times of doubt.  I sometimes wonder if I am talking to a wall.  I still feel lonely at times.  I bristle when people want to say the Our Father at the end of the meeting or I hear some say how Jesus is their higher power.  But I have gradually come to realize that while we walk the same path, we can focus on different things along that path.  Who am I to say that my way is the only way? As long as I don’t think of the guy who stares back at me in the mirror is my higher power, then I have a good chance of staying sober.

It is only in step one that alcohol and drugs are mentioned.  Where as a higher power, God,  a power greater than oneself is mentioned in six of the steps.  So I find it ironic that people talk about the ‘spiritual part’ of the program.  For those who forged the original twelve steps there was no doubt, this is a spiritual program period.  This program is restoring my connection to my Higher Power.  In fact, the twelfth step tells us that if we have worked the previous eleven steps, it will result in a ‘spiritual awakening’: a realization of the connection with something greater than myself that has helped to break that cycle of addiction. We will have exchanged bottled spirits for a spirit that cannot be contained.  I am grateful.

 

 

The Vulture’s Tale

/ Tim / Leave a comment

Things happen.  Sometimes we say it’s for a reason, sometimes we say it is serendipity, sometimes we say it’s a message from on high.  I have my own thoughts about this.  Regardless of what you or I might think about this, it happened.

I was sitting at a meeting, somewhat distracted and I happened to look outside.  The building is a “rancho”, a roofed structure supported by poles and basically open on the sides. There’s an incredible view of the jungle from here and, although hidden by the trees, the ocean is less than a kilometer away.  There are always birds, butterflies and monkeys in the area and often iguanas racing across the roof of the building, scratching the tin as they go.  Dogs and roosters often wander by and into the building.

As I said, I was distracted, not paying attention to whatever was going on in the meeting when I saw a vulture land upon the dead branch of a tree less than 50 meters away.  Not an uncommon sight here.  Vultures are always gliding around, soaring on the winds sniffing out their next meal, and sometimes stopping and resting, often in the same tree.

This time, something different happened to the vulture.  A few seconds after he lit upon it, the branch broke!  As I said it was a dead branch.  Its bark had fallen away and the termites or ants must have weakened it to the point of barely supporting its own weight.  The remaining structure couldn’t support the creature’s added weight.

Branch and vulture began their fall.  Then with a flurry of black feathers and flap of wings, the vulture took flight and let go of the branch.  It fell to the jungle floor and the vulture flew off to soar again and find another place to rest and await its next meal.

There really is nothing overly significant to what I witnessed.  A bird landed on a branch, it broke, the bird let go and flew off.  Probably not the first time it happened either. What struck me as significant is that the bird let go.  I was reminded of the many times I held onto thoughts, ideas, principles and opinions long after they were viable, believable or tenable.  I hung onto the branch and let it pull me down.  Had I let go of it, I too could have flown off to find other branches to rest upon.  How often do I hang onto friendships, jobs, beliefs or habits that are holding me back, pulling me down and preventing me from reaching my potential?  Why do I cling to a relationship that is decaying and that is weighing me and pulling me down?  Yes, perhaps at one time, these thoughts, ideas, dogmas had vibrancy and life, but no longer.  I must learn to recognize that it is over.  I may have sat on that same branch many times and it held my weight.  But no longer, that branch is going down and will take me with it if I don’t let go.  Let go. Surrender. Trust.  All these are part of my process of change in recovery.

I’m no different than most, I don’t really like to change.  I’d prefer to hang onto what I know and what I think works.  But the truth here is that things come to an end I must let go lest I lose myself in the process.  Vultures are regarded in many cultures as sacred emissaries to the gods: gold and jade amulets are often found with their images. My Higher Power speaks to me in many manners, and it usually isn’t a burning bush or being struck down off my ass by a bolt of lightning.  What I need to learn is set before me to take in, or not.  This may have been nothing more than some footage for Animal Planet for some, or perhaps a hint to go on a diet.  For me, it was a lesson taught by the humble vulture and it has made a significant impact on my thoughts.

 

♥  ♥  ♥

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At the suggestion of a reader I have added a new page to the blog:  Recovery Resources. Here I have links to AA, NA, Al-Anon and other helpful resources for those just starting their journey as well as those who are already enjoying the river. I have also added a Google Translate link to the site on the right sidebar if you prefer to read this or share this in another language.   Let me know of your thoughts and possible additions that might be helpful.

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace.

God, As I Understand Him

/ Tim / 2 Comments

I knew I had a problem long before I darkened the doors of a twelve step meeting room. I had tried self-will.  I had tried counselling.  I tried accupuncture.  I tried meditation.  I tried exercise.  I tried a lot of things and got tired of trying.  More than anything else, the whole ‘God’ thing kept me away from following a program for well over two years.  I had this idea that I would be forced to be a bible thumping, born-again, soapbox preaching Christian in order to join a group.  At least I had heard that God was somehow involved in the program.  I am sure that I invented most of what I thought about the whole ‘god’ thing.  I had tried religion and wasn’t going down that road again, thank-you very much!

Things got to a point where I had to do something, or I was going to go down and go down quickly.  Hell no, I wasn’t going ‘there!’ But I could see that the road I was on was taking me.  And it wasn’t the Promised Land.  That last couple of months before I stopped I remember waking up each morning and finding an excuse not to go to a meeting that day.  I knew where they were located and at what time they were held.  But, it wouldn’t be today and I’d start the ball rolling again of seeking oblivion, unconsciousness or blackout.  One morning I woke up and said today is the day and suddenly there I was, walking into a morning meeting.

I don’t remember much of that first meeting or even the first week of meetings.  I was invited to return, something which wasn’t happening too often then.  One of the reasons I returned was because I heard that I could choose a God, or Higher Power of my own understanding. What a relief!  I saw and heard that week from people who weren’t fire and brimstoning it.  Rather they spoke of a loving God as they understood Him.  I wasn’t quite sure what that meant at the time, but I knew at least I wouldn’t be expected to ‘Praise Jesus’ every 47 seconds.

You see, like most people who walk into the rooms of AA, NA, Al-Anon, CoDA or other Twelve Step group, I had been raised with a religion that had a pretty narrow vision of who God was and what He wanted and when He wanted it, and where I’d end up if I didn’t follow the precise dogmas.  And I wanted nothing to do with that God any more. Here, however, was a new approach.  I could choose my own idea of a god, capital G or small g, it was up to me.  If I wanted to, I could use the people in the room as my higher power because here were folks who weren’t drinking or using so they certainly had something that I didn’t have.  So I stayed and kept going to meetings.

It doesn’t matter if your God is the God of the religion you follow, the Spirit of the Universe, Source Energy, Creator or what ever you wish to call it.  If you want, keep using the folks in the room as your higher power.  The only caveat that I was given was that my higher power not be the guy looking back at me in the mirror; after all, he was the guy who got me into the mess I was in.  He wasn’t a very good example at all.

Choose a God of your understanding gave me an in.  I could live with that.  It gave me enough leeway so that I could stay.

I’m grateful to say that I still have a God of my understanding with me though I like the term ‘Higher Power’. I try not to define this power too much because whenever I say what it is, I limit it to that definition.  So it’s just a Higher Power.  And I often say and believe that my Higher Power hasn’t changed since I have been in the program.  What has changed a great deal is my understanding of that Higher Power and its role in my life.

Lately I’ve been looking at my Higher Power as the pilot on my raft going down the river.  It knows the river, it’s rocks, the bends, the depth of the river and where to steer my raft.  It is still my raft, my paddle, my life, but the pilot is my guide, helping me along.  It’s just a metaphor, but one that works for me.  It’s how I understand my God.

 

♥  ♥  ♥

I have been receiving lots of positive comments from you, my readers in the short time I’ve been writing this blog. If you think it can help someone, please share it with them in what ever way is most convenient:  Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, etc. or good ol’ copy and paste.  I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow the blog as well.  My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays.  Meanwhile, I am enjoying this process immensely.  There’s the whole new back end of the website and how it works that I’m learning as well as the research and thoughts that go into the finished entry.  Please comment.  I’d love to hear from you.

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace.