New Beginnings

October 5, 2017October 4, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

In this area, like many other places, when there’s a newcomer or someone returning to the fellowship, we talk about Step One. “We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.” We also talk about the Third Tradition. “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.” The last three meetings I attended have welcomed new people. Is my Higher Power trying to tell me something?

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t want to quit when I arrived at my first meeting. I had no desire to stop using. I had a desire for the craziness to stop. I wanted the circus in my head to pull up stakes and move on. I wanted to feel better and stop feeling depressed. The feelings of despair were so overwhelming that I wanted them to stop, but I didn’t want to admit that my consumption was the problem. I thought you could perhaps teach me to control my use so that I could enjoy life. Once I got my life organized again, then I could drink and use like a normal human being.

Hmmm. Didn’t quite work out the way I thought.

I really wasn’t sure what would happen when I walked into the room that first time. But I was welcomed, recognized a couple of people I knew and sat down. Almost immediately I heard other people sharing their story and it was my story. I could relate to the insanity of it all. I heard them speak of the shame they felt, their despair, fear and confusion while they were still drinking and using. They told me something that I never knew. It’s the first drink that got me drunk, not the eighth or tenth. How many times did I tell myself that I was only going to have one or two and find myself falling off of the barstool asking myself what happened. I thought, ‘One can’t hurt’, and came to the next morning unsure of how I ended up lying on the porch. As one member said, ‘It’s not the caboose that kills you, it’s the engine!’ Once it was in me, I lost all my resolve and all bets were off. I had to admit, that I never just had one of anything.

Sheepishly, slowly, I had to admit that perhaps my use was at least part of my problem. Slowly, with time, I realized that I was powerless over my addiction. I saw that I spent most of my time getting high, recovering from it, or planning my next one. I might still have had a roof over my head and food in the fridge, but it wasn’t me who was managing my life, my addiction was. Most importantly, I learned that I couldn’t solve my problems with the same thinking that caused them. Something had to change.

Something did change: I stopped thinking and starting listening. I had to admit that the folks around the table had something that I wanted. They were happy, laughing and friendly. It didn’t take long before I dropped the pretense that I could control my use. One minute at a time, one hour at a time and then one day at a time. I could stop for the moment, this minute or this hour. Gradually the hours added up to a day and then the days to a week and so on.

I can’t take my sobriety for granted. I know that I am a few bad decisions away from losing it. The elevator of my disease is waiting with the door open, ready to take me down deeper. And there’s no guarantee that I will make it back. Like the diabetic taking insulin, I must follow the program on a daily basis to ensure my sobriety. I am a beginner every day.

Beginner meetings remind me how far I have come in sobriety. They remind me of what it was like and could be again. Working with a new member helps to keep it fresh. I am grateful to those who took the time to pass the message onto me and in my gratitude, I pass that message to others. What’s my Higher Power telling me? Keep coming back. Keep working the program. I can’t know what will coming around the corner in my life, but whatever it is, I know that keeping close to the program will allow me to handle life as it comes. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

My Attitude, My Choice

October 2, 2017October 1, 2017 / Tim / 1 Comment

It’s often so easy to fall into negativity, self-criticism and morbidity. ‘Oh woe is me and the world is going to hell in a handbasket!’ If I focus on the news, the dramas around me and what others tell me I ‘should’ know about, then I am liable to fall into this view of life. However, I have discovered that I can just as easily choose to focus on positivity, self-esteem and optimism.

For some reason, focusing on the first, the negative aspects of life, is viewed as having a realistic attitude toward life and looking at the positive is seen as ‘airy-fairy’. I am being a realist when I look at the war mongering leaders in the world, but rather naïve when I look at the benefits of nuclear energy and nuclear medicine. In one part of the Serengeti the headline reads, “Gazelle brutally attacked and murdered by pack of thug lions!” On the other side of the Plain, the headline is, “Lioness brings food for her family and shares her fortune with others.” How is one more realistic than the other? Both are true. The perspective is what is different. How can I say that one is more ‘real’ than the other?

I can’t. I cannot know the ins and outs of my Higher Power’s plan for this world I find myself in. My judgement is inherently flawed because I am unable to see the whole picture of what is going on. Perhaps I can look at my Higher Power as a drone flying above the city looking down at the car I’m driving. Right in front of me, a couple of elderly folks are slowly making their way across the street. She drops her cane and the old man puts his hand on my car to support himself as he bends over to pick it up for her. I’m late, I have a meeting to get to and these old fogies are making me later. How bloody frustrating! Hurry up you old SOB and stop marring the shine on my hood!

Up above in the drone, my Higher Power is looking down. He sees all of the traffic in the city. He see that two blocks ahead of me a distracted mother is about to run a stop sign and head through the intersection at a good clip because she is taking her sick child to the hospital. That car makes it through and, after the people in front of me finally get to sidewalk, I make my way up the street and get to my meeting safely. My attitude, my frustration, my judgement of the people crossing the street wasn’t necessary. I can’t see what’s around the corner. I know my Higher Power can. The wrinkly old dame dropped her cane and saved my life.

I have a very important choice in life. That choice is where I focus my attention. The human brain can only focus on one thing at a time. I choose to focus on the positive aspect. I choose to look at the good, the wondrous and bright things I encounter in my world. That doesn’t make me unrealistic. That doesn’t mean I am denying the hunger, sadness or poverty in the world. It means that I am not going to allow those things to depress my spirit. The joy I encounter is just as real as the sadness you discover. I am quite capable to discovering your sadness too. Trust me, I have a PhD in depression and used it for many years. The point is, I don’t have to. I can choose to see the glass half full, or half empty. It’s the same reality, just a different perspective. Or, I can look at that glass as ‘refillable’! Wow, that’s a whole new concept that goes beyond the half full/empty scenario!

I know that life isn’t all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies. I also know that it’s not all mud and snakes and demons either. Focusing on the first makes me happy. It fills me with joy. It give me a reason to spread happiness. That is what I want in my life. I know my Higher Power has my back. I know that I will always be looked after. I know that I will be able to get through everything in life, until I don’t. Meanwhile, I choose to focus on the positive angle. Happiness, joy and freedom are what I want in my life. What do you want in yours?

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace

Living in Hope

September 4, 2017September 2, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

The topic of expectations has come up quite a lot in meetings of late. What are expectations and how are they a problem? As a fellow member shared, “Expectation are resentments under construction”. When I expect something to happen and it doesn’t, then I open myself to anger in this moment and resentment in my future. Expectations carry with them a sense of the expected: this thing is going to happen. I have this expectation because of past experience. I did this in the past and that was the result. I am doing the same thing now so the result will be the same. There’s a sense of entitlement to what should happen. I am living in the future.

When I live with expectation, I open myself up to possible anger and resentment because I believe that this will definitely occur in the same way that day follows night. If it doesn’t, or if it does happen, but not in the way I was ‘expecting’ it to happen, then I feel let down, confused, and perhaps, angry. Expectation is inflexible and unvarying. It’s the ‘my way or the highway’ position. I need to remember when dealing with people that this world is not a scientific laboratory. Yes, when I put oxygen and hydrogen in certain amounts and under certain conditions I can expect to get water. When I am dealing with persons, places or things, the precision of a lab experiment is lost. I cannot account for all of the conditions and variables.

Let’s look at a concrete example. I say to my partner, “I love you.” If I am in expectation mode, I already have a response in mind. I expect my partner to say something like, “I love you too.” I have said I love you to this person before, or I have said this to other people and that is the response I received. Anything less than that response could be potentially shattering to the relationship: I question myself, I question my feelings, I wonder about who my partner is loving if not me! Suddenly, instead of an intimate moment, I am questioning my whole relationship with this person. How quickly I can change my perspective when I live with expectation.

Hope is the alternative to expectation. If I have hope, there is a desire for an outcome, but there is no guarantee that it will happen as I would like it. Unlike expectation, hope allows for variance of the outcome. It doesn’t have to be perfect for me to find contentment. Hope is flexible and allows the unpredictable to happen. When I have a hope realized, I am grateful. I wasn’t anticipating that outcome to occur, so anything that comes from that is pure bonus. In hope, I am living in the moment not in the future. I am happy.

Looking at our example above. If I say, “I love you,” in hope, then any response is acceptable, including no response. I know there is no guarantee that the other person will give me an ‘I love you too’ back. If I get that, well, wow! The response may be a deep passionate kiss. Even if it’s an, “I’m not there yet,” I can accept that too. When I live in hope, everything is a gift.

There is a fine line between hope and expectation. Can I have both at the same time? Not really, I am either awaiting a determined response or I am not. I must set aside expectation. Live in the moment without preconceived ideas about what should happen and simply allow it to unfold. There are no guarantees in life so why live as though there are? I know that if my hope isn’t realized that this hope will not die, but continue on, because it is not fixed to a schedule nor to an outcome. Approach life with the wide-eyed innocence of a child and you will be struck by its wonder and beauty.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace