Pleasing Me

October 23, 2017October 22, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

My name is Tim and I am a people pleaser. I think I always have been. I want people to be happy. I want them to enjoy themselves. I don’t want the to have bad experiences and I want to help them avoid any type of unpleasantness. For years I ran a small B&B and made sure that my guests were ‘happy’. I catered to their needs, indulged their whims, offered advice and went out of my way to make sure that they had a pleasant stay and a nice time in my town. That was my job. I enjoyed it and rightly so, people were paying for that service.

However, I suffer from the disease of more. I thought that without me, they couldn’t have a good vacation in my town. And of course, I didn’t stop with just guests. I was like this with everyone. I didn’t express how I was feeling. I did ‘favours’ for folks when it really wasn’t convenient. My needs were set aside for the needs of others. I felt that your needs, feelings were more important than mine. I believed it was the right thing to do: suppress my needs because that was the ‘Christian’ thing to do, the ‘human’ thing to do. If I didn’t, what would people think about me? What would they say about me? I was always the nice, polite guy who went along with everyone and everything. Problem was, I still had my needs and desires. They became distorted by neglect and gave me one more excuse to indulge in my addiction. And I started to believe that I didn’t matter and neither did my needs, or wishes. I believed ‘Love thy neighbour, but deny thy self.’

‘What others think about me is none of my business!’

How difficult it was when I first arrived to hear and accept this radical idea, Wow, that was not how I was wired. I thought that it was my business, my only business. What will the neighbours think? What will the family think? What will my friends think? Those were the questions I worked with. What does Tim think? That didn’t matter all that much.

Through working the steps I learned that I do matter and that what I think is important and that I have self esteem, I value, I’m worth it. One of the ways I made that change in thinking is by ignoring what others ‘might’ be thinking about me, because there really was no way of knowing. As well, someone pointed out, other folks aren’t thinking about me, they are mostly thinking about what still others think about them. Finally, I was told that this attitude was an Ego trip. I was doing it all for me, in a obtuse way, so that everyone would like me. I wasn’t doing it for you, I was doing it for me!!!! Pow! Right in the kisser!!!!

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss

It is difficult to climb down off this steep mountain of Ego. I’m learning to accept who I am with my faults and my merits. I am learning that while I am not “everything and a piece of cake”, I have value and so do my thoughts and ideas. I share my ideas. I try new things. I help out others, but not at my expense, and not just so that they will like me. Well, okay, I’m working at it. Sometime quickly, sometimes slowly, as we hear in meetings. I work things out with me, my Higher Power and my sponsor and if others think that it is a good idea, great. If not, well, I’m learning to deal with that too.

I can’t please everyone every time and I don’t want to. I can do things that I know I need or want to do. I have no desire to be a bull in a china shop, but I will no longer stand aside and let the world trample on me because of what it ‘might’ be thinking about me. The happiness of the world doesn’t depend upon me. My happiness does. When I’m happy, I have a different perspective on the world out there and it makes my world in here a whole lot brighter! I’m working on it.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

EGO minus E plus D

October 16, 2017October 15, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

Probably no human power could have relieved me of my addiction. And when I mention human power, I think of my power. And that power comes from my ego. For me, when I speak of ego, I am talking about my self-concept, who I am, or better, who I think I am. It is my ego that tells me I am separate from everyone, that my consciousness ends here…and everything else is ‘out there’.

When I was in my addiction, my ego told me that I was okay. I was fine. I might have screwed something up, but everyone does that. My ego liked to justify my actions. It is my ego that told me I was better than everyone else and the same ego that said I was worse than whale dung at the bottom of the ocean. If I came out on top, I would say that I did that! If I was circling the hole at the bottom of the toilet, than it was circumstances, or problems or others who were the cause. Ego likes to take credit and cast blame. Ego believes it can do no wrong and can justify any action it takes. Ego believes that it has all the power.

When I began my journey down Recovery River, I had to admit that Ego wasn’t always telling me the truth, or what it was giving me was a slanted version of the truth. Ego told me that my using wasn’t bad. It told me I could quit any old time I wanted to. It said that those people really don’t care about me. Ego said I was better than the guy who panhandles on the street for a rock or who drinks Listerine or who’s been thrown out of his home. Ego told me I didn’t need help and that it would handle everything. Even after I had been in the program for a while Ego said that I had this and I could handle this by myself; I wouldn’t need the group, the meetings, a sponsor or the steps to stay sober.

However, it became glaringly apparent that Ego wasn’t doing its job, or perhaps it was doing its job too well! I am grateful that I listened to those about me and not to Ego. Perhaps I hadn’t had a bottom as low as some others around the table, but they told me if I wanted to follow Ego, I was more than welcome to hand my life back to Ego to find out how things would go.

Fortunately, I started to relate to what was being said around the table and not compare myself. I saw that while I wasn’t panhandling, but I wasn’t paying bills on time and I always made sure that I had my stash. I wasn’t drinking mouthwash, but I was buying the cheapest liquor so that I could afford more. I wasn’t out on the street, but my addiction made me a poor choice for a companion. I began to see that what Ego said was twisted. I began to see that Ego’s power was limited. It was limited because it was controlled by me: Ego was controlling Ego which became a vicious cycle spiraling downward.

What became my power? At that point it didn’t matter. All that mattered is that it wasn’t me, Ego, that had the power in my life. Hell, a door knob had more power because at least it was useful; at least it could open a door. I came to believe in a power greater than myself: something, anything was more powerful than I was at that point. Ego had proven itself a powerless liar leading me down the proverbial garden path.

I have to say that I am still reticent to use the word God. I prefer to use Higher Power, or Consciousness or the Infinite. I prefer to end the meeting with the Serenity Prayer rather than the Our Father. I prefer not to define the who, what or how of my Higher Power because putting a definition on that power also puts limits on what that power can do. Slowly I am growing in my understanding of this God.

When things are not going as I would have hoped, I can always look for Ego in the situation. Every time I look, I find it. Ego is me looking for things to go my way. Ego is justifying and rationalizing my actions. Ego is building me up or tearing you down. When I stop and recognize what is happening, I can do as someone said: “Drop the E and and a D. I turn it over to God, as I understand it, her, him, and somehow my perspective changes, I realize I am not in this alone. I know that Ego is not in charge. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace

Gratitude, Gracias and Grace

October 9, 2017October 8, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

Today, the second Monday of October, Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving. It’s similar to Thanksgiving south of the border but without Black Friday. Gratitude comes from the Latin ‘gratia’ which is the root for the English word ‘grace’ and the Spanish word ‘gracias’ which means thank you. I have written several times here that it is impossible to feel fear, anger or resentment with a heart full of gratitude. I am believer in the gratitude list. I don’t need to wait for one day, once a year to be grateful. I can be grateful every day. My list has lifted my spirit many a time.

Here are a few things that come to mind at this time.

I’m grateful that I wake up every day. I’m not coming to, I’m not kind a morgue, nor am I in that foggy state of semi-consciousness following a blackout. I awaken clear headed, and I remember what happened last night.

I can begin my day again whenever I need to. Every once in a while I have a bad day. Fortunately I can leave the past in the past. Yes, sometimes things don’t go as we would like them. I can find a quiet spot and mentally put the first hours of the day behind me. I can’t change what happened, but I don’t have to dwell in it.

I have tools in my arsenal to deal with feelings and difficult situations. First of all, I deal with them right now, as they arise. Or at least I try. I can stop, breath and know that it’s not the end of the world. I remember that it is temporary. I can call my sponsor or another member of the group. I can step away. I didn’t know how to do any of that before.

I belong. I am part of a world-wide community of sobriety. I learned when I came into recovery that I am not alone. In fact, wherever I go I can find like minded folks working on their recovery. I am grateful I’m part of a ‘we’ program.

I have a Higher Power and its not me. How freeing it is to know that I don’t have to handle everything. At any point in my day I can stop, close my eyes and remember that I am not alone. I can do this in moments of great joy or great frustration. I am not in this world alone. My Higher Power has my back.

I can enjoy the bus ride that is life. My job in life is to enjoy the ride, look out the window, enjoy my fellow passengers. I don’t drive the bus. I don’t have to fix the bus. I don’t sell tickets nor do I direct others where to sit or with whom to talk. Sit and enjoy. That’s all there is to it.

I am more alive today than I have ever been. I try to live in the moment. Today is what is important, not tomorrow, nor yesterday. It follows that I am alive today. When I live in the moment I am free. I am free from thoughts of yesterday: things said or unsaid, done or undone. I am free from tomorrow’s plans, fears and anxieties. This is the moment I am alive.

I don’t ‘have to’ I ‘get to’ do many things in life. This is something that a blogging friend talked about a while back. I don’t have to go to work, I get to go to work. I get to drive a car. I get to live a life beyond my dreams. I get to recover. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace