change

Ten Tidbits (Timbits?)

/ Tim / 2 Comments

I’ve learned a lot of life lessons since coming into the program. This is not an exhaustive list and not in any order of importance. Think of these as a few thoughts that popped into my head.

1. I am not alone.  For many years in my disease I didn’t want to admit that I needed anyone and at the end I didn’t want to admit that I needed help.  Even after starting the process of recovery it was difficult to ask for help.  This was foreign territory for me, both the program and the asking for help.

2. It’s the engine that kills you, not the caboose.  It never crossed my mind that the first hit or shot of something was what got my addiction going.  Once I had something in my system, the obsession took over and all of my resolve disolved. I said only one, and suddenly I had ten.  The first one is the deadly one that took me down the track each time.  The last one, just kept me out of it a little bit longer.

3. What other people think is none of my business.  This one was difficult for me to wrap my head around.  I slowly came to understand that when I was worried and thinking about what others might think about me, then I was giving my will over to them so that they would like me, I was handing over my self esteem to others and praying for a pat on the head.  I know now that I have to be true to myself.  It’s nice if others like me, but it’s not necessary.

4.  Faith will move mountains, but bring a shovel. I have learned that I am not helpless. There are many things that I can and must do to maintain my sobriety.  I know I have a Higher Power who has always looked after me. I have to look after me too. To get to sobriety takes work, work that I have to do.

5.  Not to decide is still a decision. I had heard this one years before, but I became an expert in the years leading up to my coming to the rooms.  I just sort of let life happen.  I needed to go somewhere or do something but I didn’t seem to have the energy to go or do anything.  So I would let it slide.  Letting it slide was my decision not to do something.  I take a more proactive approach today in doing the ‘next right thing’.

6.  Service will keep you sober.  This one was drilled into me from day one.  It took a year or so before I could begin to really understand what was happening.  When I was doing ‘service’: washing coffee cups, helping to set up for meetings, greeting people as they arrived, I was getting out of my own head.  My head is where the monkeys live and they like to have a circus whenever they can.  Service, I have found is a way of keeping them in their cages.  I get out of me and see that there is a whole other world out there.

7.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. How many times did I wake up and say: ‘I’m never doing that again!’ only to be back at it by noon. Of course I was. I wasn’t changing anything different and yet, I expected I could stay sober. Thanks to my sponsors and personal reflection, I am able to have a clearer picture of what I am doing in life. I have to do something.  A change of only one degree on your bearing will drastically change where you will end up.

8.  There are many paths to get to where you want to go. “Do you know that way to San Jose?” goes the song.  Living in Costa Rica with it’s capital being San Jose, I can give you a definite ‘yes’, I do know the way to San Jose. There are many ways to get there. Some are more direct, others are more scenic, some require a four-wheel drive vehicle. Eventually, following these ‘ways’, you will get to San Jose.  So it is with sobriety. My program is not the only way. There are many sober people in the world who do not follow the same program as I do.  So it is with faith.  My Higher Power works for me, and yours works for you.  The point is, they all get us to where we want to go.

9.  The more we learn, the more we learn how much more there is to learn. A friend of mine in the program who started out well over thirty years ago talks of a member of his group who was an old, old timer who was around when the program was in its infancy. The fellow used to say at meeting: “Folks, we’re just scratching the surface here.” I agree. When I came in I thought I knew what I was doing.  Now I see a depth of faith in others in the program that I want and I know I can have if I work for it.  I see understanding of the literature that goes way over my head.  It is a challenge to me to keep asking questions, seeking more answers.  It is a journey that I am enjoying a great deal.

10. There is no room for resentment, anger or fear in a heart full of gratitude.  Gratitude takes me out of me and into the realm of the spirit. When I am grateful for all that I have been given, then the petty things of the world around me fall by the wayside. How can I hold a grudge, hate someone or worry about tomorrow when I acknowledge the many ways I have always been very blessed? I can’t. I am grateful.

“ONE” at a Time

/ Tim / 2 Comments

One of our recovery group’s slogans is, “Live one day at a time.” It’s a good slogan to live by for anyone in recovery or not. The idea is not to get too far ahead of ourselves; stay in the moment and leave the future to one’s Higher Power.  Along with this slogan I would like to add a bit of an addendum: “Do one thing at a time.”

Those of us in recovery suffer from the disease of “More”.

We wanted more of whatever our addiction consisted of when we were in our disease, and we still want more of everything now. If a little is good, then more should be even better is our logic. It comes as no surprise then, that when we try things, we try them in a huge way. I think it is a recipe for failure.

The floor of gyms and fitness centres are strewn with the remains of lost resolutions and self-promises.  How many times have we said to ourselves on January 1st that we are going to join a gym, workout, go on a diet, loose those extra pounds, eat healthier, quit smoking.  You know those resolutions we make to become better physically.  Or we resolve to meditate daily along with taking walks in nature, reading inspirational literature and eating a vegan diet.  There is nothing wrong with all of these things in and of themselves, but those of us with the disease of “More” it spells disaster.  Why?

I think it’s because we put all of our eggs in one basket; mentally, all of these resolutions are tied together as one. Should I fail at one of these, say slip up on my diet, then in my mind I have failed at all of them.  Or if I miss going to the gym one day then it’s easier to miss another day. My mind says: “Well, you missed going to the gym, you screwed up on that and everything.  You may as well eat that eclair now because you’re going to screw up your diet too!” So, downhearted by one small failure, we let all of the other eggs fall out of the hole in our basket instead of stopping and repairing the hole. I am not saying that making several major life changes like this is impossible to do all at once, but I am suggesting that we are putting ourselves at a greater risk failure if we do.

Do one thing, do it well and only then move on.

This is what I have been learning. It takes time for the old habits to die and new ones to replace them. I’ve read in several places that we need to practice a behaviour for at least a month before it becomes a habit. I need to give myself time.  I focus on one thing at a time and I have a better chance at success.  I believe that is important for those of us with the disease of “More” because we think we can handle it when we’re probably not ready to do so.

It brings to mind a person who was in her second month of recovery.  She decided it would be good for her to give up smoking cigarettes too.  She asked me to be her ‘quit smoking’ sponsor; if giving up booze and drugs is good then so is smoking. That’s true. However, I recommended that she get through her first six months at least in the program to get herself grounded in recovery before attempting another major change in her life. Unfortunately she was back smoking within 10 days and drinking about a week after that.  I can’t say that she would have succeeded in sobriety had she not quit smoking.  I don’t know.  However, I have seen it happen more than once where people in recovery take on too much at the beginning and make it very difficult for themselves.

One of anything at a time; that’s about all I can handle.

Sobriety has to be my number one priority.  As we say in our group, whatever I put ahead of my sobriety will be the second thing I loose. I take my sobriety one day at a time.  I’ll share one more metaphor.  I like a nice frosted chocolate cake.  Hmmm.  However, if I shove the whole thing in my mouth at once I will choke. If I eat it one forkful at a time, I can enjoy and savour it.

Take it easy folks.  ONE of anything at a time is about all any of us can handle.

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Photo: Barrie Cripps

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Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well.  My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays.   Please comment and offer suggestions.  I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

Making Amends

/ Tim / 1 Comment

It’s a toss-up as to which is the more dreaded step in our list of twelve: step four, where we were asked to look at ourselves and our past, or step nine where we are asked to make amends to other people. It’s one thing to admit what we have done to ourselves and our sponsor, who, by that time, we know has a sympathetic ear.  It’s quite another to go and talk to someone we have wronged, admit our faults, say we’re sorry and are willing do our best not let it happen again in the future.

I think it’s important to know what we are talking about when speaking of making amends.  It is the act of making compensation for an injury, loss or insult; it is improving one’s behaviour in order to rectify that fault.  In other words, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again and this is what I wish to do to make up for it.  Making amends goes beyond an apology. It is a promise to make the changes necessary so that it will never happen again. It is a promise to compensate in some way for the wrong I have committed.

This step is probably most dreaded because we tend to believe that we have no control over the outcome.  What if they shut me out?  What if they refuse to forgive me? What if they don’t think it’s enough? What if repaying monies owed or replacing goods isn’t acceptable. It would be dreadful indeed if this step was focused on receiving forgiveness from others. It is not.

One of the remarkable aspects of this step is that when I approach another person to make amends, I am not asking for their forgiveness. I do not beg for their pity, mercy or understanding of me and my disease.  I hope I may be forgiven, but if not, my amends is still successful because I have admitted my fault, asked for forgiveness and offered compensation all for my own recovery. Forgiveness is, in fact, beside the point of this step.

I recently heard someone share his story at a meeting.  His sponsor suggested that as an amends to his parents that he cook dinner for them once a week.  His mother protested, saying that just having him come over for dinner was enough for her.  His sponsor insisted and he acquiesced.  And so every week for a year he planned a menu, bought the necessary groceries, rode the bus over to his parent’s home on Thursday afternoon and cooked for his parents.

On the surface, he was making up for all of the lies, the let-downs, and the disloyalty he had shown his folks over the years of active addiction. Beneath that, he gave back to his parent a son they thought they had lost.  They learned how to relate to each other on many different levels.  He showed them that their lessons on punctuality, responsibility and respect had not been completely lost.  He himself learn what it means to be a son to his parents and the rewards of his relationship with them. As an added bonus, he learned the very useful skill of cooking; with each dinner he gained new self-confidence and challenged himself by preparing more complicated recipes. What a wise sponsor that man has.

It is important to go about this step with a sponsor.  Perhaps one may work through what appear to be the easier amends first before handling the more difficult ones.  A sponsor is a guide through this process.  Role playing before the actual event may alleviate some of the ‘pre-amends’ anxiety. A sponsor will also help in determining which amends, if any, shouldn’t be made. Simply saying: “I might feel bad,” isn’t enough to let one off the hook in this step.  I take responsibility; I did the deed. I admit to it, I offer compensation and I change my ways.

While we may not like the idea of this step before we begin, it is worth noting that it is rare when an offer of amends is rejected.  Sometimes what has been weighing heavily on our minds can’t even be recalled by the other person. For most people, it is enough to know that we are sorry and are working our recovery.  Receiving forgiveness for our wrongs? That is the icing of the cake.  Step nine provides further concrete to our foundation on which to build our lives in recovery.  I am just scratching the surface in this blog. Fortunately there is a wealth of knowledge about this step in the literature on the shelves of meeting rooms and in the experience of other recovering addicts and alcoholics.

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Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well.  My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays.   Please comment and offer suggestions.  I’d love to hear from you.

Peace