Made a Decision

October 30, 2017October 30, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

I’ve discovered that making decisions is easy. It’s the follow through that is the difficult part. When you make a decision, nothing has changed except the mental determination to do something. I can say for example that I made a decision to learn Mandarin. Great! Now, can I speak Mandarin? No, of course not. Couldn’t even recognize the difference between Mandarin and Cantonese if I heard it. I will need to put in the time and effort to study and practice the language. A decision is just the first part, the easy part of making a change. The follow through is where the bulk of the work is; bringing the decision to fruition takes effort.

Decision = Committment

When we are in the process of making a decision we can often weigh the pros and con, the positive and negative aspect, and view the possible outcomes. Some require little reflection: “I’m going to get a cup of coffee.” Others are more complicated and have major repercussions depending upon the matter at hand: “I’m quitting this job.” This is the committment part. When I make a decision then I make a committment to change, to follow through, to take the next step.

I have had difficulty making decisions in the past. I would weigh, balance and ponder. I would ask advice from others. I might have meditated on it, and asked the universe for help. I would look on my past experience and forecast into the future on possible outcomes. I might mull over some decisions forever and sometimes not ever arrive at a firm decison. And often I did nothing. I couldn’t decide. I couldn’t make up my mind. What I didn’t realize was that not doing anything is also a decision. It’s a decision to maintain the status quo. Passively I had decided that how things are, was going to be okay with me. I just didn’t realize then that ‘not to decide’ is also a decision. I was committing to nothing.

“Do or do not. There is no try.” Master Yoda

I love this quote from Star Wars. I have come to realize that when I use the word “try” in my decisions, I am giving myself permission to fall short or fail. If I make a decision to loose 10 kilos, then I will keep working on whatever to loose that weight and I won’t stop until I do, however long it takes. I will diet, exercise and study how to loose the weight. If one diet isn’t working, I will try another. I will continue with my efforts until I meet with success.

If I say I’m going to try to loose 10 kilos, there is less gravitas, less seriousness in the decision. I might, I’ll make the effort at first, but I might not make it. I might fail. But you know, at least I “tried”. When I put this word into my decisions, I am lacking in committment. And then there are no consequences of not following through on the decision. “What about my diet you ask? Well, you know, I tried but I just couldn’t do it,” I reply shoving a Twinkie down my throat. See the difference? I do my best to avoid the word try in my vocabulary. Along with the words: never and always, the word try is best left to others to use.

One of the few things I disagree with in the steps is in Step Twelve. It says that we “…try to carry the message to the addict/alcoholic who still suffers.” I believe that we do carry the message. It is imperative that we do, our sobriety depends upon it. In this, I cannot try to carry the message. I do what I am able to pass it along. Whether or not that message is received is not up to me, but up to the one receiving it.

Decision = Action

Once I make a decision I then act upon it. Otherwise I was just wasting my breath. I commit to something and I work to make that happen. Commitment to a decision means perseverance until a goal is achieved. I set a goal and work toward it. I make a plan and then follow through. I am grateful to the program for what it has taught me. I know that not all decisions are easy to follow through upon. I know that some days it’s a step forward and a step back. But I also know that in order to achieve success all I need do is get up one more time than I fall.

Yes, sometimes it would be much easier to say, oh well…so much for that. I tried. But I can’t do that, especially when it comes to my sobriety. I must continue on my journey and see that my decisions, my goals are realized: “…sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog. Perhaps it will give others the needed courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

Photo credit: Rodney Conrad

New Beginnings

October 5, 2017October 4, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

In this area, like many other places, when there’s a newcomer or someone returning to the fellowship, we talk about Step One. “We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.” We also talk about the Third Tradition. “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.” The last three meetings I attended have welcomed new people. Is my Higher Power trying to tell me something?

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t want to quit when I arrived at my first meeting. I had no desire to stop using. I had a desire for the craziness to stop. I wanted the circus in my head to pull up stakes and move on. I wanted to feel better and stop feeling depressed. The feelings of despair were so overwhelming that I wanted them to stop, but I didn’t want to admit that my consumption was the problem. I thought you could perhaps teach me to control my use so that I could enjoy life. Once I got my life organized again, then I could drink and use like a normal human being.

Hmmm. Didn’t quite work out the way I thought.

I really wasn’t sure what would happen when I walked into the room that first time. But I was welcomed, recognized a couple of people I knew and sat down. Almost immediately I heard other people sharing their story and it was my story. I could relate to the insanity of it all. I heard them speak of the shame they felt, their despair, fear and confusion while they were still drinking and using. They told me something that I never knew. It’s the first drink that got me drunk, not the eighth or tenth. How many times did I tell myself that I was only going to have one or two and find myself falling off of the barstool asking myself what happened. I thought, ‘One can’t hurt’, and came to the next morning unsure of how I ended up lying on the porch. As one member said, ‘It’s not the caboose that kills you, it’s the engine!’ Once it was in me, I lost all my resolve and all bets were off. I had to admit, that I never just had one of anything.

Sheepishly, slowly, I had to admit that perhaps my use was at least part of my problem. Slowly, with time, I realized that I was powerless over my addiction. I saw that I spent most of my time getting high, recovering from it, or planning my next one. I might still have had a roof over my head and food in the fridge, but it wasn’t me who was managing my life, my addiction was. Most importantly, I learned that I couldn’t solve my problems with the same thinking that caused them. Something had to change.

Something did change: I stopped thinking and starting listening. I had to admit that the folks around the table had something that I wanted. They were happy, laughing and friendly. It didn’t take long before I dropped the pretense that I could control my use. One minute at a time, one hour at a time and then one day at a time. I could stop for the moment, this minute or this hour. Gradually the hours added up to a day and then the days to a week and so on.

I can’t take my sobriety for granted. I know that I am a few bad decisions away from losing it. The elevator of my disease is waiting with the door open, ready to take me down deeper. And there’s no guarantee that I will make it back. Like the diabetic taking insulin, I must follow the program on a daily basis to ensure my sobriety. I am a beginner every day.

Beginner meetings remind me how far I have come in sobriety. They remind me of what it was like and could be again. Working with a new member helps to keep it fresh. I am grateful to those who took the time to pass the message onto me and in my gratitude, I pass that message to others. What’s my Higher Power telling me? Keep coming back. Keep working the program. I can’t know what will coming around the corner in my life, but whatever it is, I know that keeping close to the program will allow me to handle life as it comes. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

Coming Back Full Circle

September 21, 2017September 19, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

“There’s no place like home!” said Dorothy as she clicked her heels together. And POOF I am back in my home town again. Okay, it wasn’t a poof, rather a five hour plane ride, but considering the distances travelled, it was rather quick indeed. And here I am again in the city where I was born.

I arrived here two days ago. Last time I was here was almost two and a half years ago. It’s the same and it’s different. I arrived alone this time as I am separated. I’m staying with Mom at her home of over twenty years. She’s getting a bit older, a bit slower. My best friend Bill is no longer among the living. The city has finally removed the bus terminal and parking in the city centre and created a wonderful square. Some shops have gone and new ones have appeared. I went to a meeting this morning at my former home group from when I lived here, and they’ve moved to another location. Things move on, things change and yet they are still recognizable.

The river is constantly changing.

There’s a Buddhist saying that basically says we never step into the same river twice. The water is moving along. The bank erodes in one area and silts up in another. Trees die and fall off the bank of the river and new ones grow up and take their place. Nothing stays the same. After all, a river that stops moving is no longer a river; it is a pond and without movement will eventually become stagnant and smell. A river, by its very nature, must move and flow. Places change, people change and when I take an honest look at myself, I realize that I am not the same person I was the last time I was here. At least I hope I am not.

Sometimes change happens very quickly, such as a death, or an accident. They are very obvious and if we resist them; they can cause us much discomfort and pain. I think most change happens at a much slower pace, so slow in fact, that we fail to appreciate the changes that are happening around us. One day I stepped on the scales and realized that I had gained 25 pounds over the past few years. Another day I looked at my arm and realized that my skin was sagging and not as taut as it once was. These changes are slow but steady and can come as quite a surprise. However, I can use this rate of change to my advantage.

Small changes add up

I touched on this theme of change last week in suggesting that we do one thing at a time, rather than try to do too much all at once. Today I am suggesting that those changes I make do not need to be big ones. Small changes, with time, can add up to a big change. Smaller changes have a better chance at taking hold in my daily habits. I don’t remember the whole story of the race between the rabbit and the tortoise, but I know the tortoise’s attitude of slow and steady got him to the finish line first.

Progress, not Perfection

I think about my first sponsor in the program. He is a humble, loving man devoted to his program and his family. Yet when I first heard the story about his addiction, I couldn’t believe that he was the same man. And he really wasn’t. The Paul that he was is not the Paul who he is today. Why? Slow and steady changes: following the suggestions of the program, his sponsor and developing a relationship with his Higher Power. Our motto is Progress not Perfection. As long as I am moving in the direction of my goal, it doesn’t matter what the pace is. I can slip and fall but I can also get back up again and keep trudging ahead.

I am sure that I will notice more changes as the days of my visit go along. I have come back again but I am not the same person as when I left. Those I will meet up won’t be the same either. I will remember that change is most natural. I have stepped into the river again here, and it is not the same river. I am grateful.