A Call to Action

October 12, 2017October 11, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

For many, the Serenity Prayer is a nice little prayer that most of us say on a daily basis, or at least whenever we attend recovery meetings. We ask for ‘serenity’, ‘wisdom’ and ‘courage’ very nicely and hope that our Higher Power will ‘grant’ it to us. It may seem like a meek, humble prayer, but it doesn’t have to be. I believe it is a prayer of great strength.

When I came to recovery, the first step ‘suggested’ that I admit my powerlessness when it comes to drugs and alcohol. It wasn’t hard to admit. I couldn’t get very far in a day without trying to alter my body chemistry in some way. And for the most part, the rest of the day I was either pursuing more, money to get more, or scheming some way to make it all work. My whole day, hell, my whole being was caught up with my addiction. And once it was in my system, I just wanted more and more and oblivion. The next morning the cycle continued. No, admitting powerlessness wasn’t difficult. Addiction was managing my life; I sure wasn’t.

What I learned when I came into the rooms is that while I might be powerless before alcohol and drugs, I was not helpless. And there’s a big difference that I didn’t see before I arrived. Powerlessness means that while I may once have had power, I have lost that power; I must stand aside and let whatever happens, happen. There is nothing I can do to diminish or stop its progress. Helplessness implies a complete inability to change or react to circumstances. I acted helpless when I arrived. But it wasn’t long before I heard that there were indeed things I could do to maintain my sobriety: stay away from my old haunts, go to meetings, give other members a call, read the literature. I felt at first that it was a daunting task, but I could do something to help myself. Indeed, while I wasn’t fighting it alone, the responsibility to take up the sword and lead the battle against my disease fell to me.

The Serenity Prayer became my battle cry. I claimed the serenity, courage and wisdom and fought my demons. There were many days where I would hop onto my motorcycle and ride, going nowhere in particular, saying the Serenity Prayer over and over and over. And slowly this mantra gave me blessed me with a calmness that would start in my head and filter down to my heart. And I could return to face what I had just ran from.

By working all of the steps, I’ve learned how to deal with situations that before I couldn’t not have handled. I’ve found the serenity to accept, the courage to change and the wisdom to discern. One day I realized that the demons stopped knocking on the my door. Oh, I hold no illusions: I know they are still around, waiting up the street for me to slip up so they can come back with a vengeance. I know that I am still powerless over my addiction and always will be. However, I was not helpless when I first came into the program and I am not helpless today. There is always something that I can do and for me, the Serenity Prayer is my first recourse. Secondly, I still do the five things that were ‘suggested’ to me:

Don’t drink.
Go to meetings.
Get a Home Group.
Get a Sponsor.
Work the Steps.

These five things connected me. They connect me to my real self, to others, to the program and to my Higher Power. I never was alone, and now I know I am not alone.

Finally, I am reminded of a reworking of this prayer that also rings true for me:
God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the Courage to change the ones I can, and the Wisdom to realize that one is Me.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

New Beginnings

October 5, 2017October 4, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

In this area, like many other places, when there’s a newcomer or someone returning to the fellowship, we talk about Step One. “We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.” We also talk about the Third Tradition. “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.” The last three meetings I attended have welcomed new people. Is my Higher Power trying to tell me something?

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t want to quit when I arrived at my first meeting. I had no desire to stop using. I had a desire for the craziness to stop. I wanted the circus in my head to pull up stakes and move on. I wanted to feel better and stop feeling depressed. The feelings of despair were so overwhelming that I wanted them to stop, but I didn’t want to admit that my consumption was the problem. I thought you could perhaps teach me to control my use so that I could enjoy life. Once I got my life organized again, then I could drink and use like a normal human being.

Hmmm. Didn’t quite work out the way I thought.

I really wasn’t sure what would happen when I walked into the room that first time. But I was welcomed, recognized a couple of people I knew and sat down. Almost immediately I heard other people sharing their story and it was my story. I could relate to the insanity of it all. I heard them speak of the shame they felt, their despair, fear and confusion while they were still drinking and using. They told me something that I never knew. It’s the first drink that got me drunk, not the eighth or tenth. How many times did I tell myself that I was only going to have one or two and find myself falling off of the barstool asking myself what happened. I thought, ‘One can’t hurt’, and came to the next morning unsure of how I ended up lying on the porch. As one member said, ‘It’s not the caboose that kills you, it’s the engine!’ Once it was in me, I lost all my resolve and all bets were off. I had to admit, that I never just had one of anything.

Sheepishly, slowly, I had to admit that perhaps my use was at least part of my problem. Slowly, with time, I realized that I was powerless over my addiction. I saw that I spent most of my time getting high, recovering from it, or planning my next one. I might still have had a roof over my head and food in the fridge, but it wasn’t me who was managing my life, my addiction was. Most importantly, I learned that I couldn’t solve my problems with the same thinking that caused them. Something had to change.

Something did change: I stopped thinking and starting listening. I had to admit that the folks around the table had something that I wanted. They were happy, laughing and friendly. It didn’t take long before I dropped the pretense that I could control my use. One minute at a time, one hour at a time and then one day at a time. I could stop for the moment, this minute or this hour. Gradually the hours added up to a day and then the days to a week and so on.

I can’t take my sobriety for granted. I know that I am a few bad decisions away from losing it. The elevator of my disease is waiting with the door open, ready to take me down deeper. And there’s no guarantee that I will make it back. Like the diabetic taking insulin, I must follow the program on a daily basis to ensure my sobriety. I am a beginner every day.

Beginner meetings remind me how far I have come in sobriety. They remind me of what it was like and could be again. Working with a new member helps to keep it fresh. I am grateful to those who took the time to pass the message onto me and in my gratitude, I pass that message to others. What’s my Higher Power telling me? Keep coming back. Keep working the program. I can’t know what will coming around the corner in my life, but whatever it is, I know that keeping close to the program will allow me to handle life as it comes. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace

Ten Tidbits (Timbits?)

September 18, 2017September 12, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

I’ve learned a lot of life lessons since coming into the program. This is not an exhaustive list and not in any order of importance. Think of these as a few thoughts that popped into my head.

1. I am not alone. For many years in my disease I didn’t want to admit that I needed anyone and at the end I didn’t want to admit that I needed help. Even after starting the process of recovery it was difficult to ask for help. This was foreign territory for me, both the program and the asking for help.

2. It’s the engine that kills you, not the caboose. It never crossed my mind that the first hit or shot of something was what got my addiction going. Once I had something in my system, the obsession took over and all of my resolve disolved. I said only one, and suddenly I had ten. The first one is the deadly one that took me down the track each time. The last one, just kept me out of it a little bit longer.

3. What other people think is none of my business. This one was difficult for me to wrap my head around. I slowly came to understand that when I was worried and thinking about what others might think about me, then I was giving my will over to them so that they would like me, I was handing over my self esteem to others and praying for a pat on the head. I know now that I have to be true to myself. It’s nice if others like me, but it’s not necessary.

4. Faith will move mountains, but bring a shovel. I have learned that I am not helpless. There are many things that I can and must do to maintain my sobriety. I know I have a Higher Power who has always looked after me. I have to look after me too. To get to sobriety takes work, work that I have to do.

5. Not to decide is still a decision. I had heard this one years before, but I became an expert in the years leading up to my coming to the rooms. I just sort of let life happen. I needed to go somewhere or do something but I didn’t seem to have the energy to go or do anything. So I would let it slide. Letting it slide was my decision not to do something. I take a more proactive approach today in doing the ‘next right thing’.

6. Service will keep you sober. This one was drilled into me from day one. It took a year or so before I could begin to really understand what was happening. When I was doing ‘service’: washing coffee cups, helping to set up for meetings, greeting people as they arrived, I was getting out of my own head. My head is where the monkeys live and they like to have a circus whenever they can. Service, I have found is a way of keeping them in their cages. I get out of me and see that there is a whole other world out there.

7. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. How many times did I wake up and say: ‘I’m never doing that again!’ only to be back at it by noon. Of course I was. I wasn’t changing anything different and yet, I expected I could stay sober. Thanks to my sponsors and personal reflection, I am able to have a clearer picture of what I am doing in life. I have to do something. A change of only one degree on your bearing will drastically change where you will end up.

8. There are many paths to get to where you want to go. “Do you know that way to San Jose?” goes the song. Living in Costa Rica with it’s capital being San Jose, I can give you a definite ‘yes’, I do know the way to San Jose. There are many ways to get there. Some are more direct, others are more scenic, some require a four-wheel drive vehicle. Eventually, following these ‘ways’, you will get to San Jose. So it is with sobriety. My program is not the only way. There are many sober people in the world who do not follow the same program as I do. So it is with faith. My Higher Power works for me, and yours works for you. The point is, they all get us to where we want to go.

9. The more we learn, the more we learn how much more there is to learn. A friend of mine in the program who started out well over thirty years ago talks of a member of his group who was an old, old timer who was around when the program was in its infancy. The fellow used to say at meeting: “Folks, we’re just scratching the surface here.” I agree. When I came in I thought I knew what I was doing. Now I see a depth of faith in others in the program that I want and I know I can have if I work for it. I see understanding of the literature that goes way over my head. It is a challenge to me to keep asking questions, seeking more answers. It is a journey that I am enjoying a great deal.

10. There is no room for resentment, anger or fear in a heart full of gratitude. Gratitude takes me out of me and into the realm of the spirit. When I am grateful for all that I have been given, then the petty things of the world around me fall by the wayside. How can I hold a grudge, hate someone or worry about tomorrow when I acknowledge the many ways I have always been very blessed? I can’t. I am grateful.