Action

Preparing for Harvest

/ Tim / 1 Comment

I grew up on a small family farm in Southern Ontario. Every spring, once the snow melted and the land dried up, we would get out on the fields to prepare for the harvest. Every effort, from cultivating the soil, fertilizing, seeding, weeding and patience was required to raise the crop to harvest time. Some crops require more care than others. And I was taught that a prayer or two for a good harvest wouldn’t hurt.

I left the farm when I went off to study, but its lessons stayed with me. I plan for the future but live in the present. It isn’t enough for me to plant a seed and leave it.  I need to tend to its needs of water, weeding and pruning for the future harvest to be realized and not every seed or plant has the same requirements. As well, I need to be aware of what seed I am planting: sowing wheat won’t give me watermelons.

I often say at meetings that I can’t rely on yesterday’s recovery to keep me happy, joyous and free today. I have to constantly tend to my recovery: if I’m not investing myself in it, then the chances for a good harvest are slim.

Wherever you focus, that’s where you’ll end.

My attitude, my actions and my goals determine where I will end up. What I focus upon, either positively or negatively influences where I will go.  Saying to myself over and over I not going to drink or I’m not going to use I am still focused on drinking and using. Turning the focus outward away from addiction has the effect of creating new directions. Turning the focus onto my recovery and its benefits changes me and my actions. An attitude of gratitude works because it shifts focus to the gifts of recovery. Acts of service to others work because my focus is on others not on me.

It’s not easy cultivating a change in attitude. It takes continuous work, at least I’ve found it so, to maintain the change. I can slip into a negative attitude at the drop of a hat: it’s how I used to function, it’s an old habit.  The challenge is to scratch the old record enough times so that it can never play again and put a new record on the turntable.

In focusing on recovery I am focusing on the harvest. I do those things I need to do in order to stay in recovery and keep that focus. With time comes growth. Planting a seed of change today will not provide a harvest of results tomorrow. That’s why I follow my program. It helps me cultivate, fertilize, prune and weed my recovery so that I can reap a bountiful harvest.

Forgiveness

/ Tim / 2 Comments

There is a lot written about ‘forgiveness’ in and out of recovery literature. What exactly is it? Well, I followed the lead from my sponsor and started with a dictionary. That led me to check out the roots of the word ‘forgive’.

It came into English as a direct translation of the Latin ‘perdonare’ which meant to ‘thoroughly’ (for/per) ‘give up’ (give/donare). Forgiveness then is the act of thoroughly giving up. Modern English meanings include pardoning for an offence, renouncing anger at and abandoning a claim. Okay, English lesson over.

Forgiveness is saying that my part is over. I took offence at what happened and now I step back; I will no longer look for recompense. Rather, I will act as if what happened had never happened. It is saying that I no longer have the expectation that another person ‘owes’ me anything or can ‘fix’ what happened. It is not pretending that it never happened. I think it is releasing the pain that was caused and no longer holding onto the offence and I no long expect anything from the one who offended me.

I see forgiveness as a type of surrender. I give up. As of this moment I will stop holding onto the anger for a broken promise or an infidelity. I won’t seek revenge. I won’t ‘hold it against you’. If I am truly forgiving the other person, I will ‘give over’ what happened and I will treat you as if it never happened.

That’s a tall order. Can I really give my trust to that person without them having to ‘earn’ it back again? Can I really act as is they never broke or lost what belonged to me? Will I never bring up this incident again, even if something similar happens in the future? That is what forgiveness asks of me. I surrender the offence. I surrender the anger it caused me. I surrender any claim I have against you.

Forgiveness is a release not only for the other person. It’s a great release for me as well. Once I forgive you, I no longer hold onto the emotions that had me locked in battle. I let go of the swirling thoughts of how to exact my due. The anger and resentment are ended. I let go of the hot coal in my hand, realizing it is doing harm to me alone.

Finally, I forgive myself. If it ‘take two to tango’, then the other person is not the only one involved; I am too. I ask myself what part I played in this incident. I ask myself what lessons I have learned. I stop allowing this ‘thing’ to enslave me. I forgive myself. And I move forward. By surrendering, by ‘giving over thoroughly’, I am able to find my own freedom.

Peace

Do It Any Way

/ Tim / 1 Comment

There are no shortcuts in recovery. It’s not a buffet of items I can pick and choose. Rather it’s a recipe that I need to follow on a daily basis in order to get the results of happiness, joy and freedom. Initially I may not like doing a step or part of the step but leaving it out is an open invitation to return to the life I had before. Leaving out the sugar or substituting salt is going to alter the results of your mother’s chocolate chip cookie recipe, regardless of how much love and care you put into their making. The same is true of a recovery program: “If you want what we have, then you do what we did.”

Is it always easy? No. There are times when I want to skip an apology to someone I had an argument with. I don’t always feel like praying. What if the meetings are boring? Why should I do it all? I’ve been in recovery a month, or a year or ten years. I’m doing fine. Right? How do you think the cookies taste without the sugar?

“Do it anyway: do it any way!”

Larry was a friend of mine in recovery who often said this. A recovery program requires trust. Even if I don’t understand what is happening, even if I don’t believe it is going to work, even when I don’t have any desire, I need to do ‘it’. And I need to find a way to do ‘it’. ‘It’ has to get done. ‘It’ is part of my recovery work.

What is ‘it’? Perhaps it’s working the next step. Perhaps it’s making amends for the argument I was in yesterday or last year. It might be sitting down to pray or meditate. It could be looking into the real reason why I’m depressed or why I avoid social situations. It’s that which gnaws and knots our stomach. We all have an ‘it’. And if we’ve been in recovery even a short time, we won’t have to dig very long to know what that ‘it’ is: the next right thing I need to do.

If you ask anyone who returns to the program after a relapse if they were ‘thoroughly following their program the answer is always ‘no’. They left something out of their program that was vital to their success in it. In going to meetings you will run into members whose recovery is much less than happy, joyous and free. They too are living without some of the ingredients of a healthy recovery program. They aren’t doing ‘it’.

I’ve learned to trust the Twelve Steps as my guide. I learn to go over and review them regularly because I don’t want to go back to where and how I was living before. I can’t guarantee that I’ll still be in recovery ten years from now, but I don’t need to. If I keep doing the next right thing, if I live my recovery today then I will be okay today. Tomorrow is another day.

Today I’ll do it anyway/any way because I want recovery.  I am grateful that Larry was a part of my recovery. RIP big fellow!