Labelling

/ Tim / 1 Comment

“Examine the labels you apply to yourself. Every single label is a boundary or limit of one kind or another.” Dr. Wayne Dyer

Every once in a while we hear a story of someone who clawed their way out of poverty and to become a famous actor, or doctor, or sports figure. In spite of the dire circumstances of their families, their neighbourhood, their disadvantages, they rise above and make something of themselves. Some say it’s just luck. Others say they are very intelligent. Still others say that they are the exception to the rule. Perhaps it’s a combination of all of these along with one more important ingredient: attitude.

Everyone of these people, every Trevor Noah or Oprah Winfrey have the attitude of not accepting the labels that others put upon them. They refused to accept and self define their circumstances. They moved out of their comfort zone to try something different. They put themselves ‘out there’, took a risk and followed their dreams. If that didn’t work, they redefined who they were, tried another path and poured energy into moving forward. If it’s possible for just one person to do this, then it is possible for everyone to make that change.

Is it difficult? Yes. There are hardships and sacrifices that you make in order to redefine yourself. Sometimes you have to leave behind family and friends. Sometimes it’s risking economic security. I believe that everyone has dreams in life, but not everyone believes in themselves enough to pursue them or to risk failing. In order to be successful at anything, you only have to get up one more time than you are knocked down.

“Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” Henry Ford

When I came into recovery I had some very limiting labels of who I was: a loser, unlovable, hopeless cause, a jerk, a failure at life. Each one of these labels was defining me. Each one limited me; if I saw myself as a loser, then I couldn’t see myself as a winner or even see myself turning things around to become one. I had cut a groove in my attitude toward life that was familiar, and comfortable. I knew I was in a hell, but it was a familiar hell: would I risk this known for something unknown that might not work out?

We all have labels that define us. We give them to ourselves and we receive them from others. Sometimes we deserve them and other times not. But we don’t have to accept them and live with them if we choose not to. I can redefine who I am. I can have an attitude of change. I can change my perspective from one of problem, to challenge. When I hit a brick wall I can sit dejectedly before it or I can build a ladder. It’s up to me and always has been. I don’t have to accept past labels. I can make new ones. And, I’m not alone.

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Forgiveness

/ Tim / 2 Comments

There is a lot written about ‘forgiveness’ in and out of recovery literature. What exactly is it? Well, I followed the lead from my sponsor and started with a dictionary. That led me to check out the roots of the word ‘forgive’.

It came into English as a direct translation of the Latin ‘perdonare’ which meant to ‘thoroughly’ (for/per) ‘give up’ (give/donare). Forgiveness then is the act of thoroughly giving up. Modern English meanings include pardoning for an offence, renouncing anger at and abandoning a claim. Okay, English lesson over.

Forgiveness is saying that my part is over. I took offence at what happened and now I step back; I will no longer look for recompense. Rather, I will act as if what happened had never happened. It is saying that I no longer have the expectation that another person ‘owes’ me anything or can ‘fix’ what happened. It is not pretending that it never happened. I think it is releasing the pain that was caused and no longer holding onto the offence and I no long expect anything from the one who offended me.

I see forgiveness as a type of surrender. I give up. As of this moment I will stop holding onto the anger for a broken promise or an infidelity. I won’t seek revenge. I won’t ‘hold it against you’. If I am truly forgiving the other person, I will ‘give over’ what happened and I will treat you as if it never happened.

That’s a tall order. Can I really give my trust to that person without them having to ‘earn’ it back again? Can I really act as is they never broke or lost what belonged to me? Will I never bring up this incident again, even if something similar happens in the future? That is what forgiveness asks of me. I surrender the offence. I surrender the anger it caused me. I surrender any claim I have against you.

Forgiveness is a release not only for the other person. It’s a great release for me as well. Once I forgive you, I no longer hold onto the emotions that had me locked in battle. I let go of the swirling thoughts of how to exact my due. The anger and resentment are ended. I let go of the hot coal in my hand, realizing it is doing harm to me alone.

Finally, I forgive myself. If it ‘take two to tango’, then the other person is not the only one involved; I am too. I ask myself what part I played in this incident. I ask myself what lessons I have learned. I stop allowing this ‘thing’ to enslave me. I forgive myself. And I move forward. By surrendering, by ‘giving over thoroughly’, I am able to find my own freedom.

Peace

Attraction

/ Tim / 1 Comment

At my home group there’s a guy who gets dropped off . He comes into the room, sometimes he uses the washroom. When he’s sure the car that dropped him off has gone, he takes off up the road. Several have tried to talk to him but he’s evasive and declines all invitations to stay and listen.

There’s often one. You know who it is. The one who sits at the back of the room. He comes and goes without regard for others. He doesn’t say much if anything at all. Sometimes he comes in with eyes glazed over and slight smirk.

It’s easy to feel sorry for folks like this. It seems that they just can’t get it. Or they don’t know where to begin. Sometimes we say they just ‘aren’t ready’, or if they would only sit down for a bit, they might hear something that they could use to help them stop.

Recovery is a slow process for us. Before it begins, most of us ‘hang around’ recovery a bit to see how it might fit us. Before I came into the rooms of a Twelve Step recovery program, I tried many other options: meditation, counselling, self control, medication, even acupuncture. None of these had lasting effects. I called the local hotline to hear about meeting locations and read the announcement about local groups in the paper. And finally, one Monday morning, I arrived, entered and began the process of recovery.

We can’t sell this stuff; it can’t be promoted. It has to be desired. I remember what I used to think when someone said I should ‘slow down’. In my insanity, I would take it as an insult and use it as an excuse to get fried. An full scale intervention probably would have just given me one more excuse to really ‘show them!’  I had a lot of preconceived ideas about recovery and meetings. I didn’t want to admit that I was ‘one of them’. I wasn’t ready until I was ready, until I had the desire.

It’s kind of like buying a car. We go to the lot when we know it’s closed and walk around and look at the selection of vehicles. Maybe we’ll come back to a particular lot and test drive one or two. Some people check out the reviews for the model. Some folks rent a similar model for a weekend. Many of us take time to make the final decision. Meanwhile we are still driving around in the old one and we’re used to it’s clunks and shimmies and maybe we think the price to pay for a new one is too much.

We arrive at recovery when we arrive and some never arrive. We aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. I am grateful that when I finally arrived I was greeted with a smile. I was welcomed and I was invited back. If you’re the guy who’s sitting at the back or who doesn’t stay for a meeting that’s fine. Take your time. Check things out. Kick the tires. One day, when you have the desire, please come in and listen. We’ll share what we’ve discovered.