writing

Returning to the River

/ Tim / 2 Comments

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, let alone sat down to write this blog. I’d like to say it’s because I was on vacation, too busy with a variety of projects or any other number of reasons other than the truth: I lost heart.

I lost heart because I allowed my ego to stand in my way, an ego that told me that what I do wasn’t making a difference.  It said that what I was doing in life was’t important and I didn’t matter. It said that I really don’t matter. My ego speaks to me in many different ways but usually it does so subtly, undermining my self esteem bit by bit and bringing me down lower with each nip. Slowly I start to believe that I am worth less than I was before until I start to see myself as unworthy and then, worthless.

We usually think of ego as bravado and pride and over rating ourselves: an ego trip is where we build ourselves up way above where we are. But the opposite is also true. An ego trip can also bring us down low and into depression and despair. In both cases I am thinking only about me; I’m better than everyone else–I’m worse than everyone else. Either way, I am deep within ‘self’. And in my case, when I get into ‘self’, that’s when my disease of addiction starts to make inroads to take over.

I am grateful that I am in a recovery program that helps me to recognize when I’ve pulled the plug on the sink and am heading down and circling the drain. I know I need to stop the stream of negativity and move forward. I can start thinking about myself as I am: neither perfection nor damnation. I can remind myself that I am on a journey and that it’s up to me to take the next step and move forward or wallow in the mire. I can make the allow myself to believe that I’m stuck in the mud at the edge of the river and that this is my destination and I don’t deserve any more. But I don’t have to stay here and wallow in the muck of my own making, believing that’s all there is to life.

And so, bit by bit, I am taking back what I allowed my ego to take from me. I don’t have to do it all in one day. All I need to do is stand up and look around at where I am; I don’t want to be here so I can step up out of the muck where the land meets the river and back onto the river. I don’t have to be success and perfection: I want to head toward a destination where I am true to myself, my heart. And it all begins with a decision and an action: returning to the river.

Creativity and Inspiration

/ Tim / 1 Comment

Creativity is not something you wait for. It is something that waits for you. You must decide to be creative, not wait to be. You must challenge yourself. Pick up the brush. Grab hold of the camera. Turn on the computer. Start cooking the meal. Get to the workplace early. Propose the solution. Advance the idea. Become the answer…be the inspiration...Neale Donald Walsch

 

I’ve been writing here for more than a year and a half and I’m often asked where I get my ideas for the blog articles I write. At first it was difficult. Like everything new it was outside my comfort zone and I was a bit nervous about the results. Would there be enough material to write about?

Today I see the ideas everywhere. A year and a half ago I made a decision to write two articles a week and since then I have noticed that the process of finding inspiration gets easier as I write more articles. I find topics because my mind is more attuned to pick out what might be the inspiration for an article. It’s not that I am any brighter or gifted or creative than others. It’s because this is what I pursue.

Writing has become a very important part of my life, along with working to discover more about spirituality and myself. The two go hand in hand. I also belong to a local writers’ group and research writing. If I wish to be a writer, I have to write.

Every one of us has desires and talents that we don’t explore. We tell ourselves that we won’t be good enough or that is just a silly dream. I know, because that’s what kept me away from writing for many years although I was always drawn to it.

If you want to be a painter, then paint. If you want to drive a motorcycle then learn how to drive a motorcycle. You will never skydive from your living room sofa. Nor will you build that cabin in the woods by watching YouTube videos.

If I want to change my life, be creative, learn to enjoy life more, then I have to start ‘doing’. A painter gets better at his art by painting. A driver improves his skills by driving I can’t think about stuff alone; I must get up off of my duff and do. Only then can I put into practice and improve, becoming my ‘answer’, my own inspiration.

Seeking Approval

/ Tim / 7 Comments

I spent the better part of my whole life seeking the approval others. I liked the praise of others for the things that I had done. From an early age I wanted others to like me and so I did what I could to keep everyone happy. I did well in school and that pleased my parents and my teachers. It didn’t always win the approval of classmates but they weren’t that important in my life, they weren’t people of influence.

So I learned very early on how to people please. I also learned to be very good at certain things so that they would turn out a certain way and others would like the results and I became a perfectionist. In high school, university, work life and relationships I sought, I craved approval.

I basically stayed that way until I came into recovery. With the help of the Steps of my program I was able to dissect my perfectionist attitude and see that at its root was pleasing people: seeking approval because deep down I didn’t think I was likable enough. I had low self esteem. I didn’t feel that I was, of myself, worthy of regard, like or love. I felt I had to earn it by doing things that others wanted me to do.

As a result, I didn’t try a lot of things because someone else might not approve. If I didn’t think I could pull it off ‘perfectly’, I wouldn’t even start. I placed impossibly high standards upon myself and my abilities: anything less than perfection was a failure. I had dreams of writing the next best selling novel, but I knew that was so doubtful that I gave up before I began. I wasn’t going to be the next Faulkner or Hemingway or Steinbeck, then why bother? I damned myself before I began.

My program has taught me that life is a process. It starts with me being me. It starts with me accepting myself as I am and learning to love that self. I am learning that I am enough. I don’t need the approval of others, I only need to love me. I have nothing to prove, nothing to earn. Whether you like me or not is really none of my concern. I have to be who I am.

I’m still working on it. I still want others to like me and what I do, but it’s not so important to me. I try to impress the ‘right’ people, but now I catch myself and know that I am enough. If it pleases you, that’s very nice, but it’s not as vital to me as it used to be. I am learning to say yes to things that I wouldn’t have done in the past because it is an opportunity for personal growth and understanding regardless of how well I do it. I guess I’m learning what it means to be leave my adolescence behind and become a human adult. One step at a time, and one day at a time.