“ONE” at a Time

September 14, 2017September 12, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

One of our recovery group’s slogans is, “Live one day at a time.” It’s a good slogan to live by for anyone in recovery or not. The idea is not to get too far ahead of ourselves; stay in the moment and leave the future to one’s Higher Power. Along with this slogan I would like to add a bit of an addendum: “Do one thing at a time.”

Those of us in recovery suffer from the disease of “More”.

We wanted more of whatever our addiction consisted of when we were in our disease, and we still want more of everything now. If a little is good, then more should be even better is our logic. It comes as no surprise then, that when we try things, we try them in a huge way. I think it is a recipe for failure.

The floor of gyms and fitness centres are strewn with the remains of lost resolutions and self-promises. How many times have we said to ourselves on January 1st that we are going to join a gym, workout, go on a diet, loose those extra pounds, eat healthier, quit smoking. You know those resolutions we make to become better physically. Or we resolve to meditate daily along with taking walks in nature, reading inspirational literature and eating a vegan diet. There is nothing wrong with all of these things in and of themselves, but those of us with the disease of “More” it spells disaster. Why?

I think it’s because we put all of our eggs in one basket; mentally, all of these resolutions are tied together as one. Should I fail at one of these, say slip up on my diet, then in my mind I have failed at all of them. Or if I miss going to the gym one day then it’s easier to miss another day. My mind says: “Well, you missed going to the gym, you screwed up on that and everything. You may as well eat that eclair now because you’re going to screw up your diet too!” So, downhearted by one small failure, we let all of the other eggs fall out of the hole in our basket instead of stopping and repairing the hole. I am not saying that making several major life changes like this is impossible to do all at once, but I am suggesting that we are putting ourselves at a greater risk failure if we do.

Do one thing, do it well and only then move on.

This is what I have been learning. It takes time for the old habits to die and new ones to replace them. I’ve read in several places that we need to practice a behaviour for at least a month before it becomes a habit. I need to give myself time. I focus on one thing at a time and I have a better chance at success. I believe that is important for those of us with the disease of “More” because we think we can handle it when we’re probably not ready to do so.

It brings to mind a person who was in her second month of recovery. She decided it would be good for her to give up smoking cigarettes too. She asked me to be her ‘quit smoking’ sponsor; if giving up booze and drugs is good then so is smoking. That’s true. However, I recommended that she get through her first six months at least in the program to get herself grounded in recovery before attempting another major change in her life. Unfortunately she was back smoking within 10 days and drinking about a week after that. I can’t say that she would have succeeded in sobriety had she not quit smoking. I don’t know. However, I have seen it happen more than once where people in recovery take on too much at the beginning and make it very difficult for themselves.

One of anything at a time; that’s about all I can handle.

Sobriety has to be my number one priority. As we say in our group, whatever I put ahead of my sobriety will be the second thing I loose. I take my sobriety one day at a time. I’ll share one more metaphor. I like a nice frosted chocolate cake. Hmmm. However, if I shove the whole thing in my mouth at once I will choke. If I eat it one forkful at a time, I can enjoy and savour it.

Take it easy folks. ONE of anything at a time is about all any of us can handle.

Photo: Barrie Cripps

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Peace

Just Do It!

August 7, 2017August 6, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

If buying and reading self-help books and programs were the answer, I should be the most enlightened, most spiritual, and most informed guru on the planet. I’m not. Wayne Dyer, Anthony Robbins, Stephen Covey and Neale Donald Walsch are inspirational writers that I admire. Each has a great message and each delivers it in his own way. I also admire the stories of the Buddha, Mohammed and Jesus whose lives inspire and challenge me. And yet, with all this information I was not spiritually awake, financially successful, influential or talking with God. Why? Because with all I had read, I had either failed to apply it to my life in order to achieve my goals or I had blamed someone or something else for my failure.

We all know the joke that, apparently, buying a membership to a gym won’t get you the body you want. If I desire to have a body like Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, reading his biography won’t get it for me. I have to do the work. (And also figure out how to grow six more inches!) There is no short cut, no magic pill; no easier, softer way. Very often in life I see the end result and fail to appreciate and understand the difficult process of trial and error that was necessary to get there. Picasso’s mother probably looked at his first drawing and said, “That’s nice dear. Here’s some more paper. Go draw some more.” Gertrude Stein submitted poems for 22 years before having one published. And Charles Atlas was a scrawny kid who got tired of being pushed around. We focus on the end result of these people and have the expectation that I can achieve that too. Well, I can, only it’s not going to happen over night!

In my teen years when my whole life was before me and there were so many choices, I wished I could be where I was supposed to be in my life, doing what I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t want to go through all the intervening steps to get there. I wanted to get directly to the destination and skip the journey all together. But few of us are born prodigies. I had to do the work to get where I wanted to go. If you want to get to Carnegie hall, you have to practice.

Along the way I have come to enjoy the journey. I am learning to apply what I learn from the programs and books I read. Through this process I have learned a very important lesson. I am the one who is responsible. I am the one who has to do the necessary work to get where I want to go. I have often repeated, “Faith can move mountains, but bring a shovel and wheelbarrow.” If I fall short, or struggle along my journey I can’t blame others. I can’t blame my addiction. I can’t blame my parents or my sexuality or what country I was born in. At some point I have to say: “Here I am with my shovel and wheelbarrow. From here on in, it’s my responsibility to move forward.” I am responsible for this ship sinking or floating; me and no one else.

I recently heard this saying. “In order to succeed, I only need to get up one more time than I fall down.” Falling down is all part of the process. I learn by applying what that fall has taught me and try not to let that happen again. It is only a failure when I fail to apply what I have learned. The nice part about all of this is that I don’t have to do it alone. Those who wrote those programs and books have learned a lot of lessons that I now don’t have to go through. Ultimately though, I am the one who is responsible for the doing or not doing, for the applying or not applying this to my own life.

Sorry about that magic pill you were looking for. I want to write; so I have to write. I want to paint; so I have to paint. It takes doing. It takes time. Gradually I will become better and better at it. And it takes responsibility to myself and to my goals to get to where I want to go. I guess I have learned from all those books I have read over the years. It just took a really long time to sink in.

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Please share if you think this blog can help someone. Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, etc. or good ol’ copy and paste. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow the blog as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Please comment. I’d love to hear from you.

At the suggestion of a reader I have added a new page to the blog: Recovery Resources. Here I have links to AA, NA, Al-Anon and other helpful resources for those just starting their journey as well as those who are already enjoying the river. I have also added a Google Translate link to the site on the right sidebar if you prefer to read this or share this in another language. Let me know of your thoughts and possible additions that might be helpful.

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace.

Principles before Personalities

July 20, 2017 / Tim / 1 Comment

I have a buddy in the program who has stopped going to meetings. He’s returning to his program after just under ten years in and another four years out again. Right now he has under six months. He says he is fine. He’s doing his readings and studying his books at home and he’s doing daily meditation. He told me he has stopped going to meetings because his former sponsor is there, and he feels that the former sponsor is looking at him ‘funny’. The community is very small here. There isn’t an option for him to go to other groups.

I heard from another friend, a recovering alcoholic with well over twenty years in the program. He has stopped going to meetings because there is too much discussion about drugs along with the alcohol. He’d like to go back to the old times with completely closed meetings and no mention of any drug. “There are other groups for that.”

I have been hearing similar and other gripes since I became a 12 step member. Both AA’s and NA’s twelfth tradition reminds us to: “…place principles before personalities.” What does that mean? To me, it suggests that I remember the principles of the program: recovery, unity, service, honesty, humility, forgiveness, hope, integrity, love, discipline, perseverance and spirituality. Not everyone is going to have all of these principles down cold. (I had to look them up, to be sure, while writing because I couldn’t have named them all.) Some days I’m more honest or forgiving than others. This tradition tells us that these principle are far more important than the defects of character in those who impart them to us.

I must remember that what is important is the message and not the messenger. In our case, the medium is not the message. Recovery is much deeper than those who present it. Were it not so, for example, AA would have died out when Bill Wilson, the founder, passed on. Something that is true doesn’t become false simply because I don’t like the person who is telling it to me. Trust me, many people delivered a message to me that I needed help long before I began my trek in recovery. Of course, in my sorry state I’d get angry with them and use even more ‘just to show them!’

We will always meet people who irritate or bother us in some way, in and out of our meeting room. We don’t like to be told what to do and how to do it. We don’t like to have to do anything. When someone is sharing I can focus on their speech impediment or their ugly shirt, or their hot body, instead of listening to what they are saying and that probably isn’t what the program is about.

Early on in my program I heard someone talk about the 70-20-10 Rule. He said that seventy percent of the time, what you hear in a meeting is good solid stuff that can be stowed in your tool box and brought out later to help you through a difficult situation. Twenty percent of the time, what you hear will have you at the edge of your seat; it’s exactly what you need to hear at this time. It is as if your higher power is speaking directly to you. And ten percent of the time, what you hear is an opportunity to practice your patience and tolerance. This rule has proven to be true for me, and others have told me so as well. However, what is my twenty percent, may be your ten percent, and visa versa. Our higher powers just works that way.

There’s an old joke in AA: What do you need to start a new meeting? A resentment, a coffee pot and a friend. If your recovery is at risk because you can’t get around the personalities in the room or how things are managed or what people are doing, then find another meeting. Try attending on-line meetings, start your own meeting, do anything that protects you from your disease. If sobriety is my number one priority, then I don’t have the luxury of cherry picking. I need the program more than it needs me.

Periodically I attend Al-Anon meetings. These folks have a lot to teach me about life. I particularly like a part of their closing statement: In closing, we would like to say that the opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest….We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. The message delivered by the personalities around the table and the principles intertwined in that message are what keep me sober, not the personalities who deliver them. Keep coming back.