Step 2

Life on Life’s Terms

/ Tim / 3 Comments

I like to read recovery stories and go to speaker meetings where I can hear the tales of fellow addicts and their journey to and in recovery.  One of my favourite stories, and I know I’m not alone, is the story “Acceptance is the Answer” found in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. It tells the tale of a doctor who drinks and prescribes himself drugs and almost destroys himself. He talks about the importance of acceptance of himself, his situation and his addiction as the answer to his problems. I’ve added a link below if you would like to read this story.

One of the things I’ve come to realize in the last week or so is that ‘acceptance’ is 100% or it is nothing. Let me explain. If I accept something, I am in total agreement with it. That doesn’t mean I have to like or love it; I may not. I may not like it, but I accept it. This for me is living life on life’s terms: accepting what is in my life. It’s not arguing with my Higher Power my partner or myself that things should be this way or that way. It is simply saying yes, that is the way it is.

Take this for an example. My car has a flat tire. My refusal to accept this would mean I keep driving and ruin the tire, probably the rim and who knows what else on the car. I have to accept the flat tire and do something about it before I can move on. I get out the jack and spare tire, or I call the auto association, because I know that I need to repair the tire before I can move on. This is acceptance. I take whatever situation I am in, I learn to deal with it and then I can move on.

The other thing that I came realized this past week is that if I have anything less than 100% acceptance, I am in resistance and fighting against what is. If I don’t completely accept the situation as it is, I am resisting it and as I’ve learned resistance is futile.  What I resist will persist. With the tire example, I can choose not to accept it, but the tire won’t change itself. I can blame the car, or the road, the last person who drove it. I can lament that I didn’t put the jack in the car or call all of my friends and complain about my flat tire…and I still have a flat tire. Even if I drive slowly, I will damage the tire. I am resisting and not accepting the situation as it is.

Once I accept and change the tire, the problem goes away, it no longer persists. It’s being an active participant in my life and not passively letting things happen to me. Living life on life’s terms doesn’t mean sitting back and lamenting. It is action. It is accepting what is and working towards a resolution.

Peace.

This is a link to reading this classic story Acceptance is the Answer. Click on the link and a PDF file will open. Scroll down the “Personal Stories Part II ‘They Stopped in Time’. The story “Acceptance is the Answer” is on page 407.

EGO minus E plus D

/ Tim / 2 Comments

Probably no human power could have relieved me of my addiction. And when I mention human power, I think of my power. And that power comes from my ego.  For me, when I speak of ego, I am talking about my self-concept, who I am, or better, who I think I am. It is my ego that tells me I am separate from everyone, that my consciousness ends here…and everything else is ‘out there’.

When I was in my addiction, my ego told me that I was okay.  I was fine.  I might have screwed something up, but everyone does that. My ego liked to justify my actions.  It is my ego that told me I was better than everyone else and the same ego that said I was worse than whale dung at the bottom of the ocean. If I came out on top, I would say that I did that!  If I was circling the hole at the bottom of the toilet, than it was circumstances, or problems or others who were the cause.  Ego likes to take credit and cast blame. Ego believes it can do no wrong and can justify any action it takes. Ego believes that it has all the power.

When I began my journey down Recovery River, I had to admit that Ego wasn’t always telling me the truth, or what it was giving me was a slanted version of the truth. Ego told me that my using wasn’t bad. It told me I could quit any old time I wanted to. It said that those people really don’t care about me. Ego said I was better than the guy who panhandles on the street for a rock or who drinks Listerine or who’s been thrown out of his home. Ego told me I didn’t need help and that it would handle everything. Even after I had been in the program for a while Ego said that I had this and I could handle this by myself; I wouldn’t need the group, the meetings, a sponsor or the steps to stay sober.

However, it became glaringly apparent that Ego wasn’t doing its job, or perhaps it was doing its job too well! I am grateful that I listened to those about me and not to Ego. Perhaps I hadn’t had a bottom as low as some others around the table, but they told me if I wanted to follow Ego, I was more than welcome to hand my life back to Ego to find out how things would go.

Fortunately, I started to relate to what was being said around the table and not compare myself.  I saw that while I wasn’t panhandling, but I wasn’t paying bills on time and I always made sure that I had my stash. I wasn’t drinking mouthwash, but I was buying the cheapest liquor so that I could afford more. I wasn’t out on the street, but my addiction made me a poor choice for a companion. I began to see that what Ego said was twisted. I began to see that Ego’s power was limited. It was limited because it was controlled by me: Ego was controlling Ego which became a vicious cycle spiraling downward.

What became my power? At that point it didn’t matter. All that mattered is that it wasn’t me, Ego, that had the power in my life. Hell, a door knob had more power because at least it was useful; at least it could open a door. I came to believe in a power greater than myself: something, anything was more powerful than I was at that point. Ego had proven itself a powerless liar leading me down the proverbial garden path.

I have to say that I am still reticent to use the word God. I prefer to use Higher Power, or Consciousness or the Infinite. I prefer to end the meeting with the Serenity Prayer rather than the Our Father. I prefer not to define the who, what or how of my Higher Power because putting a definition on that power also puts limits on what that power can do. Slowly I am growing in my understanding of this God.

When things are not going as I would have hoped, I can always look for Ego in the situation. Every time I look, I find it. Ego is me looking for things to go my way.  Ego is justifying and rationalizing my actions. Ego is building me up or tearing you down. When I stop and recognize what is happening, I can do as someone said: “Drop the E and and a D. I turn it over to God, as I understand it, her, him, and somehow my perspective changes, I realize I am not in this alone. I know that Ego is not in charge.  I am grateful.

♥  ♥  ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well.  My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays.   Please comment and offer suggestions.  I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

God, As I Understand Him

/ Tim / 2 Comments

I knew I had a problem long before I darkened the doors of a twelve step meeting room. I had tried self-will.  I had tried counselling.  I tried accupuncture.  I tried meditation.  I tried exercise.  I tried a lot of things and got tired of trying.  More than anything else, the whole ‘God’ thing kept me away from following a program for well over two years.  I had this idea that I would be forced to be a bible thumping, born-again, soapbox preaching Christian in order to join a group.  At least I had heard that God was somehow involved in the program.  I am sure that I invented most of what I thought about the whole ‘god’ thing.  I had tried religion and wasn’t going down that road again, thank-you very much!

Things got to a point where I had to do something, or I was going to go down and go down quickly.  Hell no, I wasn’t going ‘there!’ But I could see that the road I was on was taking me.  And it wasn’t the Promised Land.  That last couple of months before I stopped I remember waking up each morning and finding an excuse not to go to a meeting that day.  I knew where they were located and at what time they were held.  But, it wouldn’t be today and I’d start the ball rolling again of seeking oblivion, unconsciousness or blackout.  One morning I woke up and said today is the day and suddenly there I was, walking into a morning meeting.

I don’t remember much of that first meeting or even the first week of meetings.  I was invited to return, something which wasn’t happening too often then.  One of the reasons I returned was because I heard that I could choose a God, or Higher Power of my own understanding. What a relief!  I saw and heard that week from people who weren’t fire and brimstoning it.  Rather they spoke of a loving God as they understood Him.  I wasn’t quite sure what that meant at the time, but I knew at least I wouldn’t be expected to ‘Praise Jesus’ every 47 seconds.

You see, like most people who walk into the rooms of AA, NA, Al-Anon, CoDA or other Twelve Step group, I had been raised with a religion that had a pretty narrow vision of who God was and what He wanted and when He wanted it, and where I’d end up if I didn’t follow the precise dogmas.  And I wanted nothing to do with that God any more. Here, however, was a new approach.  I could choose my own idea of a god, capital G or small g, it was up to me.  If I wanted to, I could use the people in the room as my higher power because here were folks who weren’t drinking or using so they certainly had something that I didn’t have.  So I stayed and kept going to meetings.

It doesn’t matter if your God is the God of the religion you follow, the Spirit of the Universe, Source Energy, Creator or what ever you wish to call it.  If you want, keep using the folks in the room as your higher power.  The only caveat that I was given was that my higher power not be the guy looking back at me in the mirror; after all, he was the guy who got me into the mess I was in.  He wasn’t a very good example at all.

Choose a God of your understanding gave me an in.  I could live with that.  It gave me enough leeway so that I could stay.

I’m grateful to say that I still have a God of my understanding with me though I like the term ‘Higher Power’. I try not to define this power too much because whenever I say what it is, I limit it to that definition.  So it’s just a Higher Power.  And I often say and believe that my Higher Power hasn’t changed since I have been in the program.  What has changed a great deal is my understanding of that Higher Power and its role in my life.

Lately I’ve been looking at my Higher Power as the pilot on my raft going down the river.  It knows the river, it’s rocks, the bends, the depth of the river and where to steer my raft.  It is still my raft, my paddle, my life, but the pilot is my guide, helping me along.  It’s just a metaphor, but one that works for me.  It’s how I understand my God.

 

♥  ♥  ♥

I have been receiving lots of positive comments from you, my readers in the short time I’ve been writing this blog. If you think it can help someone, please share it with them in what ever way is most convenient:  Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, etc. or good ol’ copy and paste.  I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow the blog as well.  My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays.  Meanwhile, I am enjoying this process immensely.  There’s the whole new back end of the website and how it works that I’m learning as well as the research and thoughts that go into the finished entry.  Please comment.  I’d love to hear from you.

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace.