Spirituality

Gratitude, Gracias and Grace

/ Tim / Leave a comment

Today, the second Monday of October, Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving.  It’s similar to Thanksgiving south of the border but without Black Friday. Gratitude comes from the Latin ‘gratia’ which is the root for the English word ‘grace’ and the Spanish word ‘gracias’ which means thank you.  I have written several times here that it is impossible to feel fear, anger or resentment with a heart full of gratitude. I am believer in the gratitude list. I don’t need to wait for one day, once a year to be grateful.  I can be grateful every day. My list has lifted my spirit many a time.

Here are a few things that come to mind at this time.

I’m grateful that I wake up every day. I’m not coming to, I’m not kind a morgue, nor am I in that foggy state of semi-consciousness following a blackout. I awaken clear headed, and I remember what happened last night.

I can begin my day again whenever I need to. Every once in a while I have a bad day. Fortunately I can leave the past in the past. Yes, sometimes things don’t go as we would like them. I can find a quiet spot and mentally put the first hours of the day behind me. I can’t change what happened, but I don’t have to dwell in it.

I have tools in my arsenal to deal with feelings and difficult situations. First of all, I deal with them right now, as they arise. Or at least I try. I can stop, breath and know that it’s not the end of the world. I remember that it is temporary. I can call my sponsor or another member of the group. I can step away. I didn’t know how to do any of that before.

I belong. I am part of a world-wide community of sobriety. I learned when I came into recovery that I am not alone. In fact, wherever I go I can find like minded folks working on their recovery. I am grateful I’m part of a ‘we’ program.

I have a Higher Power and its not me. How freeing it is to know that I don’t have to handle everything. At any point in my day I can stop, close my eyes and remember that I am not alone. I can do this in moments of great joy or great frustration. I am not in this world alone. My Higher Power has my back.

I can enjoy the bus ride that is life. My job in life is to enjoy the ride, look out the window, enjoy my fellow passengers. I don’t drive the bus. I don’t have to fix the bus. I don’t sell tickets nor do I direct others where to sit or with whom to talk. Sit and enjoy. That’s all there is to it.

I am more alive today than I have ever been. I try to live in the moment.  Today is what is important, not tomorrow, nor yesterday.  It follows that I am alive today.  When I live in the moment I am free. I am free from thoughts of yesterday: things said or unsaid, done or undone.  I am free from tomorrow’s plans, fears and anxieties.  This is the moment I am alive.

I don’t ‘have to’ I ‘get to’ do many things in life. This is something that a blogging friend talked about a while back.  I don’t have to go to work, I get to go to work. I get to drive a car. I get to live a life beyond my dreams. I get to recover.  I am grateful.

♥  ♥  ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well.  My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays.   Please comment and offer suggestions.  I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

New Beginnings

/ Tim / Leave a comment

In this area, like many other places, when there’s a newcomer or someone returning to the fellowship, we talk about Step One. “We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.” We also talk about the Third Tradition. “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.” The last three meetings I attended have welcomed new people.  Is my Higher Power trying to tell me something?

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t want to quit when I arrived at my first meeting. I had no desire to stop using. I had a desire for the craziness to stop. I wanted the circus in my head to pull up stakes and move on. I wanted to feel better and stop feeling depressed. The feelings of despair were so overwhelming that I wanted them to stop, but I didn’t want to admit that my consumption was the problem. I thought you could perhaps teach me to control my use so that I could enjoy life. Once I got my life organized again, then I could drink and use like a normal human being.

Hmmm.  Didn’t quite work out the way I thought.

I really wasn’t sure what would happen when I walked into the room that first time. But I was welcomed, recognized a couple of people I knew and sat down. Almost immediately I heard other people sharing their story and it was my story.  I could relate to the insanity of it all. I heard them speak of the shame they felt, their despair, fear and confusion while they were still drinking and using. They told me something that I never knew.  It’s the first drink that got me drunk, not the eighth or tenth.  How many times did I tell myself that I was only going to have one or two and find myself falling off of the barstool asking myself what happened.  I thought, ‘One can’t hurt’, and came to the next morning unsure of how I ended up lying on the porch.  As one member said, ‘It’s not the caboose that kills you, it’s the engine!’ Once it was in me, I lost all my resolve and all bets were off.  I had to admit, that I never just had one of anything.

Sheepishly, slowly, I had to admit that perhaps my use was at least part of my problem. Slowly, with time, I realized that I was powerless over my addiction. I saw that I spent most of my time getting high, recovering from it, or planning my next one. I might still have had a roof over my head and food in the fridge, but it wasn’t me who was managing my life, my addiction was. Most importantly, I learned that I couldn’t solve my problems with the same thinking that caused them. Something had to change.

Something did change: I stopped thinking and starting listening. I had to admit that the folks around the table had something that I wanted.  They were happy, laughing and friendly.  It didn’t take long before I dropped the pretense that I could control my use.  One minute at a time, one hour at a time and then one day at a time. I could stop for the moment, this minute or this hour. Gradually the hours added up to a day and then the days to a week and so on.

I can’t take my sobriety for granted. I know that I am a few bad decisions away from losing it. The elevator of my disease is waiting with the door open, ready to take me down deeper. And there’s no guarantee that I will make it back. Like the diabetic taking insulin, I must follow the program on a daily basis to ensure my sobriety. I am a beginner every day.

Beginner meetings remind me how far I have come in sobriety.  They remind me of what it was like and could be again. Working with a new member helps to keep it fresh. I am grateful to those who took the time to pass the message onto me and in my gratitude, I pass that message to others. What’s my Higher Power telling me? Keep coming back. Keep working the program. I can’t know what will coming around the corner in my life, but whatever it is, I know that keeping close to the program will allow me to handle life as it comes.  I am grateful.

♥  ♥  ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well.  My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays.   Please comment and offer suggestions.  I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

 

Ten Tidbits (Timbits?)

/ Tim / 2 Comments

I’ve learned a lot of life lessons since coming into the program. This is not an exhaustive list and not in any order of importance. Think of these as a few thoughts that popped into my head.

1. I am not alone.  For many years in my disease I didn’t want to admit that I needed anyone and at the end I didn’t want to admit that I needed help.  Even after starting the process of recovery it was difficult to ask for help.  This was foreign territory for me, both the program and the asking for help.

2. It’s the engine that kills you, not the caboose.  It never crossed my mind that the first hit or shot of something was what got my addiction going.  Once I had something in my system, the obsession took over and all of my resolve disolved. I said only one, and suddenly I had ten.  The first one is the deadly one that took me down the track each time.  The last one, just kept me out of it a little bit longer.

3. What other people think is none of my business.  This one was difficult for me to wrap my head around.  I slowly came to understand that when I was worried and thinking about what others might think about me, then I was giving my will over to them so that they would like me, I was handing over my self esteem to others and praying for a pat on the head.  I know now that I have to be true to myself.  It’s nice if others like me, but it’s not necessary.

4.  Faith will move mountains, but bring a shovel. I have learned that I am not helpless. There are many things that I can and must do to maintain my sobriety.  I know I have a Higher Power who has always looked after me. I have to look after me too. To get to sobriety takes work, work that I have to do.

5.  Not to decide is still a decision. I had heard this one years before, but I became an expert in the years leading up to my coming to the rooms.  I just sort of let life happen.  I needed to go somewhere or do something but I didn’t seem to have the energy to go or do anything.  So I would let it slide.  Letting it slide was my decision not to do something.  I take a more proactive approach today in doing the ‘next right thing’.

6.  Service will keep you sober.  This one was drilled into me from day one.  It took a year or so before I could begin to really understand what was happening.  When I was doing ‘service’: washing coffee cups, helping to set up for meetings, greeting people as they arrived, I was getting out of my own head.  My head is where the monkeys live and they like to have a circus whenever they can.  Service, I have found is a way of keeping them in their cages.  I get out of me and see that there is a whole other world out there.

7.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. How many times did I wake up and say: ‘I’m never doing that again!’ only to be back at it by noon. Of course I was. I wasn’t changing anything different and yet, I expected I could stay sober. Thanks to my sponsors and personal reflection, I am able to have a clearer picture of what I am doing in life. I have to do something.  A change of only one degree on your bearing will drastically change where you will end up.

8.  There are many paths to get to where you want to go. “Do you know that way to San Jose?” goes the song.  Living in Costa Rica with it’s capital being San Jose, I can give you a definite ‘yes’, I do know the way to San Jose. There are many ways to get there. Some are more direct, others are more scenic, some require a four-wheel drive vehicle. Eventually, following these ‘ways’, you will get to San Jose.  So it is with sobriety. My program is not the only way. There are many sober people in the world who do not follow the same program as I do.  So it is with faith.  My Higher Power works for me, and yours works for you.  The point is, they all get us to where we want to go.

9.  The more we learn, the more we learn how much more there is to learn. A friend of mine in the program who started out well over thirty years ago talks of a member of his group who was an old, old timer who was around when the program was in its infancy. The fellow used to say at meeting: “Folks, we’re just scratching the surface here.” I agree. When I came in I thought I knew what I was doing.  Now I see a depth of faith in others in the program that I want and I know I can have if I work for it.  I see understanding of the literature that goes way over my head.  It is a challenge to me to keep asking questions, seeking more answers.  It is a journey that I am enjoying a great deal.

10. There is no room for resentment, anger or fear in a heart full of gratitude.  Gratitude takes me out of me and into the realm of the spirit. When I am grateful for all that I have been given, then the petty things of the world around me fall by the wayside. How can I hold a grudge, hate someone or worry about tomorrow when I acknowledge the many ways I have always been very blessed? I can’t. I am grateful.