Made a Decision

October 30, 2017October 30, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

I’ve discovered that making decisions is easy. It’s the follow through that is the difficult part. When you make a decision, nothing has changed except the mental determination to do something. I can say for example that I made a decision to learn Mandarin. Great! Now, can I speak Mandarin? No, of course not. Couldn’t even recognize the difference between Mandarin and Cantonese if I heard it. I will need to put in the time and effort to study and practice the language. A decision is just the first part, the easy part of making a change. The follow through is where the bulk of the work is; bringing the decision to fruition takes effort.

Decision = Committment

When we are in the process of making a decision we can often weigh the pros and con, the positive and negative aspect, and view the possible outcomes. Some require little reflection: “I’m going to get a cup of coffee.” Others are more complicated and have major repercussions depending upon the matter at hand: “I’m quitting this job.” This is the committment part. When I make a decision then I make a committment to change, to follow through, to take the next step.

I have had difficulty making decisions in the past. I would weigh, balance and ponder. I would ask advice from others. I might have meditated on it, and asked the universe for help. I would look on my past experience and forecast into the future on possible outcomes. I might mull over some decisions forever and sometimes not ever arrive at a firm decison. And often I did nothing. I couldn’t decide. I couldn’t make up my mind. What I didn’t realize was that not doing anything is also a decision. It’s a decision to maintain the status quo. Passively I had decided that how things are, was going to be okay with me. I just didn’t realize then that ‘not to decide’ is also a decision. I was committing to nothing.

“Do or do not. There is no try.” Master Yoda

I love this quote from Star Wars. I have come to realize that when I use the word “try” in my decisions, I am giving myself permission to fall short or fail. If I make a decision to loose 10 kilos, then I will keep working on whatever to loose that weight and I won’t stop until I do, however long it takes. I will diet, exercise and study how to loose the weight. If one diet isn’t working, I will try another. I will continue with my efforts until I meet with success.

If I say I’m going to try to loose 10 kilos, there is less gravitas, less seriousness in the decision. I might, I’ll make the effort at first, but I might not make it. I might fail. But you know, at least I “tried”. When I put this word into my decisions, I am lacking in committment. And then there are no consequences of not following through on the decision. “What about my diet you ask? Well, you know, I tried but I just couldn’t do it,” I reply shoving a Twinkie down my throat. See the difference? I do my best to avoid the word try in my vocabulary. Along with the words: never and always, the word try is best left to others to use.

One of the few things I disagree with in the steps is in Step Twelve. It says that we “…try to carry the message to the addict/alcoholic who still suffers.” I believe that we do carry the message. It is imperative that we do, our sobriety depends upon it. In this, I cannot try to carry the message. I do what I am able to pass it along. Whether or not that message is received is not up to me, but up to the one receiving it.

Decision = Action

Once I make a decision I then act upon it. Otherwise I was just wasting my breath. I commit to something and I work to make that happen. Commitment to a decision means perseverance until a goal is achieved. I set a goal and work toward it. I make a plan and then follow through. I am grateful to the program for what it has taught me. I know that not all decisions are easy to follow through upon. I know that some days it’s a step forward and a step back. But I also know that in order to achieve success all I need do is get up one more time than I fall.

Yes, sometimes it would be much easier to say, oh well…so much for that. I tried. But I can’t do that, especially when it comes to my sobriety. I must continue on my journey and see that my decisions, my goals are realized: “…sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog. Perhaps it will give others the needed courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

Photo credit: Rodney Conrad

Pleasing Me

October 23, 2017October 22, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

My name is Tim and I am a people pleaser. I think I always have been. I want people to be happy. I want them to enjoy themselves. I don’t want the to have bad experiences and I want to help them avoid any type of unpleasantness. For years I ran a small B&B and made sure that my guests were ‘happy’. I catered to their needs, indulged their whims, offered advice and went out of my way to make sure that they had a pleasant stay and a nice time in my town. That was my job. I enjoyed it and rightly so, people were paying for that service.

However, I suffer from the disease of more. I thought that without me, they couldn’t have a good vacation in my town. And of course, I didn’t stop with just guests. I was like this with everyone. I didn’t express how I was feeling. I did ‘favours’ for folks when it really wasn’t convenient. My needs were set aside for the needs of others. I felt that your needs, feelings were more important than mine. I believed it was the right thing to do: suppress my needs because that was the ‘Christian’ thing to do, the ‘human’ thing to do. If I didn’t, what would people think about me? What would they say about me? I was always the nice, polite guy who went along with everyone and everything. Problem was, I still had my needs and desires. They became distorted by neglect and gave me one more excuse to indulge in my addiction. And I started to believe that I didn’t matter and neither did my needs, or wishes. I believed ‘Love thy neighbour, but deny thy self.’

‘What others think about me is none of my business!’

How difficult it was when I first arrived to hear and accept this radical idea, Wow, that was not how I was wired. I thought that it was my business, my only business. What will the neighbours think? What will the family think? What will my friends think? Those were the questions I worked with. What does Tim think? That didn’t matter all that much.

Through working the steps I learned that I do matter and that what I think is important and that I have self esteem, I value, I’m worth it. One of the ways I made that change in thinking is by ignoring what others ‘might’ be thinking about me, because there really was no way of knowing. As well, someone pointed out, other folks aren’t thinking about me, they are mostly thinking about what still others think about them. Finally, I was told that this attitude was an Ego trip. I was doing it all for me, in a obtuse way, so that everyone would like me. I wasn’t doing it for you, I was doing it for me!!!! Pow! Right in the kisser!!!!

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss

It is difficult to climb down off this steep mountain of Ego. I’m learning to accept who I am with my faults and my merits. I am learning that while I am not “everything and a piece of cake”, I have value and so do my thoughts and ideas. I share my ideas. I try new things. I help out others, but not at my expense, and not just so that they will like me. Well, okay, I’m working at it. Sometime quickly, sometimes slowly, as we hear in meetings. I work things out with me, my Higher Power and my sponsor and if others think that it is a good idea, great. If not, well, I’m learning to deal with that too.

I can’t please everyone every time and I don’t want to. I can do things that I know I need or want to do. I have no desire to be a bull in a china shop, but I will no longer stand aside and let the world trample on me because of what it ‘might’ be thinking about me. The happiness of the world doesn’t depend upon me. My happiness does. When I’m happy, I have a different perspective on the world out there and it makes my world in here a whole lot brighter! I’m working on it.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

When We Were Wrong

October 19, 2017October 18, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

There’s no shame or harm in changing your direction. In fact, it’s often absolutely necessary if we are to survive and remain sane! Isn’t that what we are praying for in the Serenity Prayer: courage to change the things I can? Whether it is a minor course correction or a major shift in my life direction, I need to step out of my comfort zone and make those changes. If I am to be happy, joyous and free, then I must be willing to change and do what I must as I trudge the road of happy destiny.

I read a few days ago again that an airplane is off course 90% of the time. Wind is constantly blowing that metal tube about, shifting it’s position. There are often cloud banks and storms the the pilot can avoid by navigating around them. The pilot or autopilot is constantly making subtle changes in order to keep the airplane safe and to bring it back on course to its destination. And though it may seem a miracle, it lands on time and where it was supposed to land.

It’s not a miracle, not really. It’s a result of the constant attention of the flight crew. Those constant course corrections nudge the plane back on course. A constant check to see where it is headed. That’s what Step 10 is all about: course correction. “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.” This is our regular measure of where we are and where we are headed.

Especially early on in the program, it is so easy to stray in our thinking. Everything is new: sobriety, sharing, slogans, steps and sponsors are part of a whole new vocabulary in our lives. It seems there is so much to learn and at the same time so much to forget. The good news for newcomers, as I was told early on, is that you can start to practice any step that has a “1” in it right from the beginning, so steps 10, 11 and 12 can be worked while you’re still on the first step.

It need not be complicated, and you probably already do it to some degree. At some point in the evening we can go over the day and pick out what went well, and what didn’t. If we need to, we can talk to our sponsor about it. It may well be that we had acted like a jerk to a friend or coworker and tomorrow we can apologize. No need to take on the sins of the world here, just a simple, “I’m sorry, I acted like a jerk yesterday.” is all that is needed. It doesn’t even matter whether the apology is accepted, because forgiveness is not the goal, clearing our conscience is! Keeping our own side of the street clean early in sobriety is a good way to practice the program principles. It helps to keep us true to this new direction we are headed.

And to be honest, even after years of sobriety, a slight variation in thinking can gradually lead to bad decisions that lead back to the bottle, the pipe and the syringe. Meeting rooms are full of people who were absolutely certain they “had” the program before and suddenly they found themselves back where they started, even after more than ten or twenty years sometimes. A spot check inventory helps to keep us in touch with ourselves, our program and our Higher Power. Like any other terminal condition, I must take my medicine which is the practice and the living of all of the 12 steps of our program, every day. I can’t let up; there is no “free” day here. It’s one day at a time, one day, everyday.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace