Serenity Prayer

Epiphany

/ Tim / 3 Comments

I had lunch with some friends today. It wasn’t sunny, but the view down across the jungle to the ocean is magnificent. We’re not a particularly ‘close’ group of friends. We get together once a month to discuss our writing. So I was surprised when one member of the group shared an ‘epiphany’ that she had just yesterday.

“I had been so angry with the place I used to work because they unceremoniously pushed me out and forced me into early retirement five years ago. I was so flipping mad. I wanted revenge. I wanted to do the same thing to them. And I nursed that anger for the last five years. I had poured myself into my work and my work was good and often praised.  How could they do that to me!”

“Yesterday,” she continued, “I was sitting on my porch overlooking the valley below and I realized all of the wonderful things that had happened to me in the last five years. I now live in a beautiful tropical country, I have met so many new friends, I still write, but in a different way and I have just published a book.  None of these things would have happened without ‘those people’ letting me go. Two days ago I hated them.  Today I love them and what happened because none of this would have been possible otherwise.”

A powerful revelation for my friend. And it’s a huge change in perspective. We discussed how momentous this revelation is in her life. Perhaps she needed the last five years to get to this moment of forgiveness and understanding, and arrive at the shore of the sea of gratitude. I have no doubt that this will change how she looks at so many other twists and turns in her life that she wasn’t happy about.

I can look at my past and regret it. There are plenty of things that happened in my life that I thought would have turned out otherwise. I made some questionable decisions and rash judgements along the way, but here I am! I survived and I have a serenity I wouldn’t trade. Each step along the way was necessary to get to today. Each element is another brick paving the road of happy destiny.

When I am in the thick of it, when I am mired deep in the crap of everyday life, when faced with impossible decisions and doors close in my face, I can turn and run. And who would blame me. Such an impossible choice and terrible circumstances. However, I have another option. I can stand tall and walk forward. Today I am grateful for all events in my past. Today I know that while I may not understand what is happening right now, it is a small piece of a jigsaw puzzle. I don’t yet know what the final result will look like so how can I judge if what is happening is good or bad? This might be that moment in my life when everything changes.

I am grateful that I can trust in something greater than myself and keep putting one foot forward and moving on. I don’t ‘get’ it all, but I know that I too will someday be able to reflect on this and see how intricately the puzzle is cut and the beauty of the final mosaic.

Thank you Carol. You made my day!

Preparing for the Holidays

/ Tim / 1 Comment

The upcoming holidays are often a difficult time for anyone.  Add being in recovery and it becomes more difficult.  If it’s your first time around, it can be overwhelming: parties, holidays, friends and plenty of temptations. And, of course, there’s nothing that can push our buttons more often than our own family. How can I have a  good time if I’m in recovery?

First of all, especially for someone who is new in the program, look for the book Living Sober. It is published by AA Services, but the advice is easily applicable to anyone in recovery from any addiction. The book has several chapters on how to stay clean and sober during the holidays and other events where we may find ourselves tempted.  If not this book, then there are others available that your homegroup can recommend to help you through those difficult first months.  The holidays are especially fraught with times where liquor is flowing in large quantities and when people step outside for a smoke, it may not be just tobacco that is burning.

Be prepared.  Drugs and alcohol permeate our society.  You can’t nor are you expected to hide yourself away forever from the world. If this is your first time going through a holiday season clean and sober, talk to your sponsor or a trusted friend in your program. Ask them how they made it through that first holiday season, ask them for suggestions and recommendations.  My sponsor does a lot of role playing so that his sponsees can get used to the language of sobriety as well as to the possible scenarios that may occur.

Perhaps we only go to part of a gathering and not stay until the end like we were likely to do in the past. Some fiestas we may want to miss all together because we know who will be attending and we know they may be a trigger for us. Bring along a friend you trust who knows your are in recovery. Have an escape plan to fall back upon if it is getting too difficult. It’s okay to admit there are times when we are weak. There is no shame is stepping back from the action. None of us is made of stone; in early sobriety we might not yet know our limits so we need not lead ourselves into temptation.

Like everything else in recovery, these events become easier to handle as time goes on. But everyone still has to maintain their guard. Keep an eye on your glass. Just recently I refused a soda at a party because it smelled a bit “off”. I’m sure it was fine, but I am not willing to take the chance. It was easy just to sent it down on a table and then talk with folks and casually leave it behind as I joined another circle of friends. My recovery is my number one priority. I won’t risk it to please a host. Fortunately, a good host won’t care if a guest doesn’t imbibe. You may even make new friends by becoming the designated driver.

Be careful during this season. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Peer pressure and family pressure may seem like a lot at the time, but it will alway lessen. If you don’t go to the company Christmas party, there’s always one next year when you will have more experience at living sober in party world. January will arrive and things will get back to normal again.

Enjoy the holidays clean and sober.christmas-2890410_960_720

Stop and Think

/ Tim / Leave a comment
I’ve known my friend Barb and her husband Alan for over twenty years. Recently Barb has been dealing with a condition that is limiting and painful. As a result, she started take a pain management class. One of the great things she took away from the class is Stop and Think. “If you take nothing else from this class,” the instructor said, “that will get you through so much. And if you don’t take that in, nothing else I tell you will help.” Oh what a simple lesson, yet so often forgotten.

Stop and think reminds me of a safety lesson from grade school oh so many years ago. If you ever find your clothing on fire don’t run, rather, Stop, Drop and Roll. I’m pretty sure that we can apply this here because so often whenever we run into difficulties, we run around like the proverbial headless chicken. Stop, drop and think! I have the urge to do something to make things right and better. I want to help and do. However, I don’t always think my solutions through and often react by doing the same thing I did the last time I had this problem, which, obviously didn’t solve the problem because here I am trying to solve it again. Stop and think. I’ve come to the conclusion lately that ‘common sense’ isn’t all that common at all. There are a lot of folks out there in the world going off half-cocked doing and saying things that, if they had stopped, sat down and thought about it, wouldn’t have done or said.

In my recovery program, it is extremely important that I stop and think. At first it is difficult. It seems so easy to go to my angry place because of what my partner did. It is easier to slip into self-pity than to stop and think about the situation. The pill bottle or the liquor bottle will help out. I try the ‘easier, softer’ solution rather than stopping and thinking about what I am doing. We are breaking a habit that has been practiced for years. So the idea of stopping and thinking is new. And I must stop and think I can ask myself what’s the next ‘right’ thing that I need to do?

It’s not easy at first. I have neither the tools nor the experience to have any idea of what the ‘right’ thing to do is in this situation. Stop and Think Tim. I can talk to my sponsor or other addict about it. I can (and so often still do) say the Serenity Prayer to help calm and focus my thoughts. I can learn to play the tape through to the end, envisioning the results. In the process of my thinking about it, the answers came.

Sometimes the best thing about stopping and thinking is the realization that I don’t have to ‘do’ anything about this. So much of what was happening around me wasn’t my problem. I didn’t have to fix anything because it was never up to me to fix it. And other times when I trying to solve a problem it dawns on me that it isn’t a problem to be solved, rather, it’s a fact that must be accepted.

Stop and Think! At first, like any other habit that we are trying to cultivate, it is awkward and doesn’t feel right. Give yourself time. Gradually we learn how to apply the steps to our lives. I learn to do the ‘next right thing’, it doesn’t automatically happen because I’m now clean and sober. A drug or a drink will give me another problem on top of the original one. Stop and Think! because if you don’t get this, nothing else in the program will work.

Thank you for your thoughts Barb.  Check out her blog post here.