Live One Day at a Time

July 31, 2017July 30, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

When we first start our journey in a twelve step program we are told a whole lot of things. There’s a whole new language of recovery that is very foreign to us: steps, traditions, sponsors, slips and promises are but a few of the terms that have whole new meanings in the program. I was having trouble concentrating on what was happening around me at a meeting; a lot of what was said passed way over my head. The residual effects of the chemicals in my brain probably didn’t help. However, I latched onto the slogans. Here were short sound-bites that I could grasp and understand. This one, ‘Live one day at a time,’ or ‘Take it one day at a time,’ was probably the first that I could grasp onto.

When I started my journey, I had been living my life either as a remorseful mess because of what I had or should have done yesterday, or I was on the other end of the spectrum, fearful of what might happen to me tomorrow. To be honest, when I first came in I didn’t have any desire to quit. I just wanted to be taught how to control myself. I wanted to get my head straightened out so I could be the gentleman I was sure I was. I wanted to be the guy who could have a glass of wine with dinner or share one joint with friends. I wanted to step down the crazy a notch or two and go back to normal. I couldn’t see my life without artifical stimulation or relaxation. Those who had greeted me those early weeks told me to take it easy, and just live one day at a time. My only job, the only one that mattered at that time was to make it through the day sober. Tomorrow was another day I was told. Concentrate on today.

Live one day at a time. Live. I hadn’t been living. I had been existing, doing the minimum to survive. I woke up in a fog, piecing together the details of the night before. Somehow I would make it through the day, waiting, longing for the cocktail hour or until I had finished work before starting the insanity one more time. I was worried about having enough money to pay for it all. I was all about hiding who I was because I believed that no one else really knew about my problem. Living? No, that wasn’t living and although I couldn’t have admitted that to myself at the time, deep down I knew it too.

Being in the present, in the moment is a new way of living for me. There is always more than enough to keep my mind occupied today. What happened yesterday is done. I can cry and scream and explain myself blue, and nothing about yesterday will change. However, I was told I could change my perspective. I can learn from my past and be mindful in the present not to do the same thing today. All of my regrets and mea culpas for all the days I screwed up in the past do not change them and, more than likely, will screw up today was well.

“Man makes plans and God laughs.” Living in the present doesn’t mean that I don’t make plans. I do make plans but I don’t live in them. The future is there, but I try not to focus too much on it. There are too many people, too many variables involved that are beyond my control and that might alter what I am planning. So I plan loosely. I bought a plane ticket a month ago with the plan to spend some time with my family. I truly hope that it will happen, but so many things may happen between now and then that could alter those plans. If I’m living in the future, that change could upset me a great deal. I try to relax and roll with whatever the future brings me, trusting that my Higher Power has my back.

We call the present ‘present’ because it is a gift. It is my gift to open each morning of everyday. I choose to focus on today. Today I give thanks for being alive and sober. Today I am going to live. I am going to be present, here and now and accept with love the blessings and challenges that come my way. I live today for today and tomorrow I leave for tomorrow. Choosing to live one day at a time simplifies my life and my spirit. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Please share if you think this blog can help someone. Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, etc. or good ol’ copy and paste. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow the blog as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Meanwhile, I am enjoying this process immensely. There’s the whole new back end of the website and how it works that I’m learning as well as the research and thoughts that go into the finished entry. Please comment. I’d love to hear from you.

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace.

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God, As I Understand Him

July 27, 2017July 28, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

I knew I had a problem long before I darkened the doors of a twelve step meeting room. I had tried self-will. I had tried counselling. I tried accupuncture. I tried meditation. I tried exercise. I tried a lot of things and got tired of trying. More than anything else, the whole ‘God’ thing kept me away from following a program for well over two years. I had this idea that I would be forced to be a bible thumping, born-again, soapbox preaching Christian in order to join a group. At least I had heard that God was somehow involved in the program. I am sure that I invented most of what I thought about the whole ‘god’ thing. I had tried religion and wasn’t going down that road again, thank-you very much!

Things got to a point where I had to do something, or I was going to go down and go down quickly. Hell no, I wasn’t going ‘there!’ But I could see that the road I was on was taking me. And it wasn’t the Promised Land. That last couple of months before I stopped I remember waking up each morning and finding an excuse not to go to a meeting that day. I knew where they were located and at what time they were held. But, it wouldn’t be today and I’d start the ball rolling again of seeking oblivion, unconsciousness or blackout. One morning I woke up and said today is the day and suddenly there I was, walking into a morning meeting.

I don’t remember much of that first meeting or even the first week of meetings. I was invited to return, something which wasn’t happening too often then. One of the reasons I returned was because I heard that I could choose a God, or Higher Power of my own understanding. What a relief! I saw and heard that week from people who weren’t fire and brimstoning it. Rather they spoke of a loving God as they understood Him. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant at the time, but I knew at least I wouldn’t be expected to ‘Praise Jesus’ every 47 seconds.

You see, like most people who walk into the rooms of AA, NA, Al-Anon, CoDA or other Twelve Step group, I had been raised with a religion that had a pretty narrow vision of who God was and what He wanted and when He wanted it, and where I’d end up if I didn’t follow the precise dogmas. And I wanted nothing to do with that God any more. Here, however, was a new approach. I could choose my own idea of a god, capital G or small g, it was up to me. If I wanted to, I could use the people in the room as my higher power because here were folks who weren’t drinking or using so they certainly had something that I didn’t have. So I stayed and kept going to meetings.

It doesn’t matter if your God is the God of the religion you follow, the Spirit of the Universe, Source Energy, Creator or what ever you wish to call it. If you want, keep using the folks in the room as your higher power. The only caveat that I was given was that my higher power not be the guy looking back at me in the mirror; after all, he was the guy who got me into the mess I was in. He wasn’t a very good example at all.

Choose a God of your understanding gave me an in. I could live with that. It gave me enough leeway so that I could stay.

I’m grateful to say that I still have a God of my understanding with me though I like the term ‘Higher Power’. I try not to define this power too much because whenever I say what it is, I limit it to that definition. So it’s just a Higher Power. And I often say and believe that my Higher Power hasn’t changed since I have been in the program. What has changed a great deal is my understanding of that Higher Power and its role in my life.

Lately I’ve been looking at my Higher Power as the pilot on my raft going down the river. It knows the river, it’s rocks, the bends, the depth of the river and where to steer my raft. It is still my raft, my paddle, my life, but the pilot is my guide, helping me along. It’s just a metaphor, but one that works for me. It’s how I understand my God.

♥ ♥ ♥

I have been receiving lots of positive comments from you, my readers in the short time I’ve been writing this blog. If you think it can help someone, please share it with them in what ever way is most convenient: Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, etc. or good ol’ copy and paste. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow the blog as well. My intention is to post Mondays and Thursdays. Meanwhile, I am enjoying this process immensely. There’s the whole new back end of the website and how it works that I’m learning as well as the research and thoughts that go into the finished entry. Please comment. I’d love to hear from you.

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace.

Right-Size Me, Please

July 24, 2017July 23, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

Being the seventh month, we often focus on the seventh step: Humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings. The principle of this step is humility.

Humble, as an adjective is defined as meekness, lacking pride, arrogance or assertiveness. As a verb it is defined as the destroying the power, independence or prestige of something or someone. I believe that in being humble we accept that we are not all powerful, not completely independent nor do we possess advantage over others. It is being in a state of acceptance of what is, and not what was or could be. I don’t compare myself to others as being better, or worse. I see things as they are. Like the inventory I took in Step Four, I look at what is there, without judgement as to its quality. I don’t need to be supersized; that’s been my problem. I need to be ‘right-sized’.

Last year, after being in the program for several years it became apparent to me that I could use a bit, no, a lot more work on Steps Six and Seven. I worked with my sponsor, used the book: Drop the Rock, published by Hazelden along with my program literature. During my first go around with the steps I had spent about as much time on these two steps as Bill Wilson did in writing about them in the two short paragraphs on page 76 of Alcoholics Anonymous: ‘I am willing. Here they are. Please take them away.’ The second time around truly was an eye opener for me. What does it mean to humbly ask my Higher Power to remove my shortcomings?

I have come to discover that it means taking step three to a whole new level. Not only do I put my will and my life into the care of my higher power, I now allow that Higher Power to modify me in such a way that I must let go of what I know about who I am today. A lot of my character defects made up who I was. I was a perfectionist who would rather do it myself than watch someone else do it wrong. (And then I would have to do it over to do it right.) I had an arrogance about me because I had studied hard and have two post secondary degrees and one diploma. I suffered because others didn’t understand my importance. I had a sense of entitlement: I worked hard so I deserved my time to relax however I wished. I could go on, but you get the picture. These shortcomings were who I was, part of my personality. On my second time through these two steps I found out what the verb humble meant in my life; if I was truly going to have these shortcomings removed, I had to destroy them. The ‘me’ at the end of the experience would be very different from the ‘me’ I started as.

You see, I kind of liked who I was, what I did, where I was in life. I don’t like a lot of change. My character defects were defining me, telling me who I was, where I should be, how I should act and react. Without them I feared that I might become the proverbial ‘hole in the donut’. I had a big fight with Ego about that!

Humility in Step Seven takes courage. It isn’t easy to say: “Okay H.P., here I am, take away who and what I always thought I was and remake me”. I needed to trust that my Higher Power knows what he’s doing. I had to accept what is and what will come. Could I have handled this in early recovery the first time I did this step? I don’t know. It was difficult enough with five years behind me. The difference this time though, is that I had evidence that my life really is in the care of a Higher Power. I knew and could point out how I had changed for the better. I was no longer the sorry soul that walked into a meeting for the first time. I am light years away from that Tim. I am now able to understand that I still have a lot to learn about life.

Fortunately, when I completed Step Seven, my H.P. didn’t remove those defects of character right away and all at once. This is a process that takes time. Every once in a while the perfectionist gives his opinion about how things should be done. Periodically the arrogant S.O.B. walks past the addict sleeping on the street without compassion. Yes, I take my shortcomings back with regularity. I am grateful though, that slowly I am recognizing them as they are showing themselves. I am learning to listen to another’s method of doing a task. I can look on with love at someone who on a different journey than I am now. Slowly my Higher Power is doing for me what I could not do for myself: grow and blossom into a whole new being.

♥ ♥ ♥

Once again, please like and share, not to stroke my ego, but for those who need the courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River.

Peace.