“ONE” at a Time

September 14, 2017September 12, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

One of our recovery group’s slogans is, “Live one day at a time.” It’s a good slogan to live by for anyone in recovery or not. The idea is not to get too far ahead of ourselves; stay in the moment and leave the future to one’s Higher Power. Along with this slogan I would like to add a bit of an addendum: “Do one thing at a time.”

Those of us in recovery suffer from the disease of “More”.

We wanted more of whatever our addiction consisted of when we were in our disease, and we still want more of everything now. If a little is good, then more should be even better is our logic. It comes as no surprise then, that when we try things, we try them in a huge way. I think it is a recipe for failure.

The floor of gyms and fitness centres are strewn with the remains of lost resolutions and self-promises. How many times have we said to ourselves on January 1st that we are going to join a gym, workout, go on a diet, loose those extra pounds, eat healthier, quit smoking. You know those resolutions we make to become better physically. Or we resolve to meditate daily along with taking walks in nature, reading inspirational literature and eating a vegan diet. There is nothing wrong with all of these things in and of themselves, but those of us with the disease of “More” it spells disaster. Why?

I think it’s because we put all of our eggs in one basket; mentally, all of these resolutions are tied together as one. Should I fail at one of these, say slip up on my diet, then in my mind I have failed at all of them. Or if I miss going to the gym one day then it’s easier to miss another day. My mind says: “Well, you missed going to the gym, you screwed up on that and everything. You may as well eat that eclair now because you’re going to screw up your diet too!” So, downhearted by one small failure, we let all of the other eggs fall out of the hole in our basket instead of stopping and repairing the hole. I am not saying that making several major life changes like this is impossible to do all at once, but I am suggesting that we are putting ourselves at a greater risk failure if we do.

Do one thing, do it well and only then move on.

This is what I have been learning. It takes time for the old habits to die and new ones to replace them. I’ve read in several places that we need to practice a behaviour for at least a month before it becomes a habit. I need to give myself time. I focus on one thing at a time and I have a better chance at success. I believe that is important for those of us with the disease of “More” because we think we can handle it when we’re probably not ready to do so.

It brings to mind a person who was in her second month of recovery. She decided it would be good for her to give up smoking cigarettes too. She asked me to be her ‘quit smoking’ sponsor; if giving up booze and drugs is good then so is smoking. That’s true. However, I recommended that she get through her first six months at least in the program to get herself grounded in recovery before attempting another major change in her life. Unfortunately she was back smoking within 10 days and drinking about a week after that. I can’t say that she would have succeeded in sobriety had she not quit smoking. I don’t know. However, I have seen it happen more than once where people in recovery take on too much at the beginning and make it very difficult for themselves.

One of anything at a time; that’s about all I can handle.

Sobriety has to be my number one priority. As we say in our group, whatever I put ahead of my sobriety will be the second thing I loose. I take my sobriety one day at a time. I’ll share one more metaphor. I like a nice frosted chocolate cake. Hmmm. However, if I shove the whole thing in my mouth at once I will choke. If I eat it one forkful at a time, I can enjoy and savour it.

Take it easy folks. ONE of anything at a time is about all any of us can handle.

Photo: Barrie Cripps

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Peace

Enabling Charity

September 11, 2017September 7, 2017 / Tim / 1 Comment

A blogger that I follow wrote about something that happened to her a few days back. In a nutshell: a street person who looked like an addict asked her for some money to buy bread. She offered to buy the bread for this person, but that offer was refused. She was wondering if she had handled this situation correctly.

This reminded me of something similar that happened to me last year. Someone asked me for some money for food as I was returning home from walking my dogs. I told him to hang on, went into the house and returned with a small bag of tortillas and an easy-to-open tin of tuna, which he accepted. A short while later when I was heading off to town, I saw the unopened tin and tortillas tossed off to the side of the road a little ways up from my front gate. I guess he wasn’t as hungry as he claimed.

The question is, do I give people money who ask for it, even if it seems obvious that it’s probably going toward the purchase of a small rock or bottle? Am I not enabling them in their addiction? As someone in recovery I am torn. I may not have lived on the streets, but I realize that had I not received the gift of recovery when I did, that is where I would have ended up. I do know what it is like to need that fix of whatever. I do know the need to have something in me to calm my nerves and stop my hands from shaking. In those moments, I didn’t need food. What I really needed right then was my ‘stuff’. Without it I could hardly function even at the most basic level. I may have been somewhat hungry, but my addiction was front and centre. Until that craving was fulfilled, everything else was in second place.

That’s why it’s hard to answer the question. On the one hand, I don’t wish to contribute to the further destruction of an individual. On the other hand, I know the intensity, the yearning, the incessant pleading of addiction. Why did this person asked for food, when money for his ‘stuff’ was what he really needed? Probably to sound better and make his appeal more palatable. Probably because it worked. Coins for food doesn’t sound like I’m enabling someone in their addiction.

Early in my recovery a fellow approached me. “Listen man,” he said. “I’m an addict. I need money to get some shit.” I was taken aback by his honesty, and thanked him for it. It was a novel and honest approach and it worked. I gave him the equivalent of about a dollar and reminded him that it he wanted to get off the roller coaster he was on I would be happy to talk to him. But his ‘need’ had to be fulfilled and he was off.

All of this reminds me of a story I heard years ago from a Jesuit priest who lived in one of the sketchier neighbourhoods of New York City. Every day when he left his apartment he was bombarded by people panhandling on the street. Should he give money? Who should he give it to? To how many should he give? He came upon a wise solution. He put a dollar bill into the pocket of his jacket when he left for work. The first person who asked him for money that morning got the dollar. He didn’t ask the reason why this person needed the money, nor judge that his clothes were too clean or too dirty to deserve that dollar. He just gave it away. The priest said that it wasn’t his responsibility to judge people, their circumstances, or their lifestyle. His responsibility was to be charitable to others, to offer his time, talent and treasure to all people.

This is an approach that works for me. I’ve been struggling with giving money to an individual when it is obvious what it going to be used to buy. I know what they are going through. I can relate to their suffering. So I’ve determined that each day I will give the equivalent of one dollar to the first person who asks me for it. After that, anyone else who wants food or bus fare, I’ll buy it for them if they really want it and if I have it to spend. It’s a solution that works for me and I offer it as one of many possible solutions for others who are struggling with this question.

Here’s a link to the original article by Candace Bisram in her blog “Pocketful of Smiles” that inspired me to write this today.

Making Amends

September 7, 2017September 5, 2017 / Tim / 1 Comment

It’s a toss-up as to which is the more dreaded step in our list of twelve: step four, where we were asked to look at ourselves and our past, or step nine where we are asked to make amends to other people. It’s one thing to admit what we have done to ourselves and our sponsor, who, by that time, we know has a sympathetic ear. It’s quite another to go and talk to someone we have wronged, admit our faults, say we’re sorry and are willing do our best not let it happen again in the future.

I think it’s important to know what we are talking about when speaking of making amends. It is the act of making compensation for an injury, loss or insult; it is improving one’s behaviour in order to rectify that fault. In other words, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again and this is what I wish to do to make up for it. Making amends goes beyond an apology. It is a promise to make the changes necessary so that it will never happen again. It is a promise to compensate in some way for the wrong I have committed.

This step is probably most dreaded because we tend to believe that we have no control over the outcome. What if they shut me out? What if they refuse to forgive me? What if they don’t think it’s enough? What if repaying monies owed or replacing goods isn’t acceptable. It would be dreadful indeed if this step was focused on receiving forgiveness from others. It is not.

One of the remarkable aspects of this step is that when I approach another person to make amends, I am not asking for their forgiveness. I do not beg for their pity, mercy or understanding of me and my disease. I hope I may be forgiven, but if not, my amends is still successful because I have admitted my fault, asked for forgiveness and offered compensation all for my own recovery. Forgiveness is, in fact, beside the point of this step.

I recently heard someone share his story at a meeting. His sponsor suggested that as an amends to his parents that he cook dinner for them once a week. His mother protested, saying that just having him come over for dinner was enough for her. His sponsor insisted and he acquiesced. And so every week for a year he planned a menu, bought the necessary groceries, rode the bus over to his parent’s home on Thursday afternoon and cooked for his parents.

On the surface, he was making up for all of the lies, the let-downs, and the disloyalty he had shown his folks over the years of active addiction. Beneath that, he gave back to his parent a son they thought they had lost. They learned how to relate to each other on many different levels. He showed them that their lessons on punctuality, responsibility and respect had not been completely lost. He himself learn what it means to be a son to his parents and the rewards of his relationship with them. As an added bonus, he learned the very useful skill of cooking; with each dinner he gained new self-confidence and challenged himself by preparing more complicated recipes. What a wise sponsor that man has.

It is important to go about this step with a sponsor. Perhaps one may work through what appear to be the easier amends first before handling the more difficult ones. A sponsor is a guide through this process. Role playing before the actual event may alleviate some of the ‘pre-amends’ anxiety. A sponsor will also help in determining which amends, if any, shouldn’t be made. Simply saying: “I might feel bad,” isn’t enough to let one off the hook in this step. I take responsibility; I did the deed. I admit to it, I offer compensation and I change my ways.

While we may not like the idea of this step before we begin, it is worth noting that it is rare when an offer of amends is rejected. Sometimes what has been weighing heavily on our minds can’t even be recalled by the other person. For most people, it is enough to know that we are sorry and are working our recovery. Receiving forgiveness for our wrongs? That is the icing of the cake. Step nine provides further concrete to our foundation on which to build our lives in recovery. I am just scratching the surface in this blog. Fortunately there is a wealth of knowledge about this step in the literature on the shelves of meeting rooms and in the experience of other recovering addicts and alcoholics.

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Peace