Recovery

A Forever Change

/ Tim / Leave a comment

I receive daily emails from several sources that focus on self development, further education and spiritual growth. Some I read religiously. Others I only check out if the excerpt sounds interesting. Many titles begin with promises of renewal and change. Others list a certain number of steps or items for success in whatever they are promising, should you follow them. I know that there are many ways of changing one’s self to achieve greater success and achievement in as many aspects of our lives. But I feel that many of these articles fail in mentioning one important point: in order to take on a “better version of yourself”, you must also be willing to let go of the old version.

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Most of us lead very busy and full lives. We’re working, looking after our children and families, doing household chores, all of which keep us alive, though not always living a life we would like to live. It’s easy to fall under the spell of ‘Three Ways to Simplify Your Day’, or ‘Finding Peace and Contentment in the Fury’. We pick and choose what is offered and try some of these suggestions in our lives. However, a month or so later we’re back doing things the old way because these suggestions just wouldn’t work in our lives. Or so we think.

I have learned over the past years that if I wish to move forward in my life, I have to let go of the old: there just isn’t room for the newer version of ‘Tim’ if the old one is still around. It’s easy to say but not easy to do. You see, I kind of like the old version. I am used to it. I know how I react to things. I know that it takes time to get used to new stuff but I am too entrenched in the old self to really give the 2.0 version of me a chance. As a result I tell myself that this ‘didn’t work’, or it’s ‘not for me.’ But that’s not really true. It like I am trying to implement a new operation system in my computer while still running the old software: it won’t work.

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What does work for me is letting go of the old, trusting in the process of change. I stop trying to put great expectations on the results and just enjoy the journey. When I first got into recovery everything was new, enticing and also overwhelming. I learned that I had to look at myself differently, as a person in recovery. I had to let go of my former version for the newer one in, get used to it, live with it and get comfortable with it. Hanging around in a bar with my old drinking buddies would not have kept me on the straight and narrow. I had to let go of the me I knew to make room for a new me that was emerging. Putting your dirty clothes back on after taking a shower, you’re still going to smell. Recovery wouldn’t work if I was holding onto my old self while trying get comfortable in my new skin. And I had to trust that the process I was going through would work for me as it had for literally millions of other folks, but only if I gave it an honest chance. And to do that, I had to say good-bye to the ‘me’ I was, and welcome the new whoever that might be.

Change is only possible when we make room for it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small thing such as changing your bedtime, or a life shifting change in profession. We have to let go. We must let go. Otherwise we are bound to fail. Ensure a successful transition to the newest version of ‘You’! Move forward and leave the old behind. Say good-bye to who you were to make a ‘forever’ change.

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Starting With Me

/ Tim / Leave a comment

I was told from a young age that having both Irish and Dutch roots, I would be doubly stubborn. I’ll let those around me decide if that is true or not. For my part, I do know that I haven’t always agreed with the status quo and have tried things just a bit differently. I wasn’t a trail blazer, but did things my own quiet way and I lived a lifestyle that differed greatly from my family’s. I was different not just to be different because the pressure to conform was great. However, I knew that I wouldn’t be happy living the way that was ‘expected’ of me.

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In both career and lifestyle I chose my own path. It wasn’t without it’s challenges and I am sure that part of the pressure that I felt led me down a dark road that, fortunately also led to the doors of a recovery program a little over ten years ago. And also fortunately, I was not told how be or act, but was given suggestions that I was free to follow in order to begin living life on a more balance keel. These ‘suggestions’, the twelve steps of recovery, were up to me to follow and implement in my life at my own pace. I was still quite stubborn and this way of applying the program suited me well. And while I am hardly the poster boy for recovery, I have learned to live life on life terms, one day at a time.

I think that recovery has worked for me because it isn’t forced: nothing used to arouse me more than telling me what I ‘had’ to do. This is the philosophy of ‘attraction, rather than promotion’. I was given suggestions, the members shared their own experience, strength and hope, and I could take it or leave it. There is a lot of wisdom in this philosophy, with a far greater reach just that of sobriety.

Gandhi told us: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” You can’t force people to change, but you can give them the option of living life another way. Telling people what to do rarely works. Showing them how to do something has a much better chance at success. Letting others see what you are doing and how you are living allows them to make a choice. If, indeed, the changes that one makes in their life are attractive, others will follow suit and make similar changes in their own lives.

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I know there are a lot of problems facing the world: economics, climate change, and health challenges have such far reaching effects that as a rather stubborn individual, I have little chance of making any impact upon. In truth, few people ever do. However, I can live the changes I would like to see in the world. I can put out my recycling. I can live a healthier lifestyle. I can respond with kindness and compassion to situations. I can share. It may not seem like much to pick up one bottle off the street when there’s litter everywhere, but I am living my beliefs. And I am making my little part of the world just slightly better. Perhaps your neighbour will see what you have done and decide to help. Even if that neighbour doesn’t change, I have still made my world, and therefore, the world a whole, just an iota better than is was yesterday.

I can’t control what others do. I have learned that my circle of control has a radius that only stretches a few centimeters beyond the tip of my nose. I can’t tell people what to do or how to do it: many are just a stubborn as I am and just as intransigent to change. But they may be attracted to make a change when they see positive results in others. Demonstrating changes and offering suggestions won’t instantly move the world but it does make a small difference. And if the only difference is a little less stubbornness and a bit more peace of mind, then that’s fine with me.

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Trudging the Road

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I don’t think my life’s journey is much different from most folks. From a young age I was given to believe that there are two aspects to a human being: the physical side and the spiritual side. As a growing young boy I was told to focus on the spiritual aspects: building up my treasures in heaven, saying my prayers in the morning and at night, keeping notice of myself because I knew that God was always watching me. The goal of my spiritual practices was to keep myself in His good graces and get to Heaven or risk being sent to ‘the Other Place!’ The physical side of me, my humanity, was seen as sinful and a play-toy for the devil to tempt into his dark and smoky lair. Between my parents, the parish priest and the nuns and teachers who taught me at the Catholic school I attended, I had a pretty good idea of just what might await me at either place and so I became the best little boy in the world.

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Into my teens I stopped agreeing with everything the ‘church’ said, but I still held onto my beliefs. I’m not sure when I came to understand that my spirituality was not necessarily tied to my religion, but I know it was before I started my seminary training which lasted until I came face to face with my own sexuality and couldn’t go on with theological studies knowing that I could never make a vow of celibacy in good conscience. This didn’t separate me from the ‘church’ or spirituality. I continued to participate and follow the precepts set by Rome as best as I could until I couldn’t in good conscience continue due to a church letter which basically said that I was intrinsically evil because I was being true to my nature. The Vatican and I went our separate ways. Neither of us missed each other much, I’m sure.

And I continued my spiritual journey without religious guidance. I was graced with the ability to think logically, thanks in part, ironically, to my seminary training in philosophy. I have looked at other religions and belief systems, discovering more of what they have in common rather than focusing on their differences and seeing how I can incorporate their best parts into my own life. It’s a journey that I continue today, more than 30 years later, with some ups and downs along the way; few have scaled a mountain without the odd slip here and there.

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What is interesting to me is I still feel that same spiritual tug that I felt when I was a child. I don’t believe in the God I grew up with and who looked a lot like the Roman god Zeus and who hurled thunderbolts. I usually don’t use the word ‘God’ or ‘god’ when talking with people because it has so many connotations and brings up way too much imagery for many people. But I do have a ‘God of my understanding,’ and I often share that as long as he isn’t the guy who looks back at me in the mirror, I’m well looked after. I still believe that we have a spiritual side as well as a physical side, but today I know that they are inextricably linked together. My spiritual being, my consciousness, experiences itself and life through my physical being, which in turn, experiences itself because it is, itself, conscious. It’s sort of like the chicken and the egg conundrum: you need both to have either.

I still look to Jesus for some of his teaching and I’ve added Buddha and Krishna to my list of spiritual guides. I also look to the Stoic philosophers like Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius as well as contemporaries like Wayne Dyer, Joe Dispenza, and Vishen Lakhiani. And I would be very remiss not to add the importance the twelve step program that I have been following these last ten years for my spiritual as well as physical wellbeing. I enjoy sharing my experiences with others and hearing of their own trek to where they presently find themselves. With open-mindedness and willingness I have traveled far down this road which has brought together the spiritual and physical aspects of my being. It’s a journey everyone’s invited to take in whatever way that works for them.

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I’ve concluded that there is no conclusion: I can continue this journey for the rest of my days and never tire from the process. And I think that’s the point: there is no ‘end’ in spirituality, no destination only the journey. There are many pathways leading us onward and everyone’s pathway is just as valid as the next. While I sometimes wish that I had worked at this with more dedication and time in the past and be further along the path than I am, I also know that where I am on my pathway is exactly where I am supposed to be right now because, well, here I am. And you are where you are. What’s important is to keep going, to seek greater depth and understanding while being grateful for where we are at the present moment: living in the ‘now’. There is no final goal at the end. Happiness, peace of mind and serenity along the way are my reward. Enjoy trudging your own road of Happy Destiny.