I read an unattributed quote a while back that has stuck with me.
“The reason the past and future filled me with anxiety is that, when I go there, I go alone, without God. God only exists in the present, and that is the only place I can find true peace and serenity.”
For millennia spiritual gurus have sought to remove thoughts and clear their minds to allow for a connection with something greater than themselves. They do this to be in the moment, to quiet the mind and find peace, to simply ‘be’. These spiritual guides know that in the present, in this moment, God ‘IS’. Source, Consciousness, Higher Power, or whatever you choose to call ‘It’ exists only in the eternal present. Whatever ‘It’ is, it has no past or future, It simply is.
The past, whether an hour ago or a decade ago, no longer exists. And even what I can recall, only ever existed in my mind. Anyone else who was present at that time can only recall is from their own point of view, different from mine. And that point of view is subject to the vagaries of the mind which colour and fog the memory as time passes. Detectives tell us the most unreliable witness is the eye-witness to a crime: our recollection of the past is often faulty and incomplete. The past, often a delusion within my mind, no longer exists. God is not there.
It’s probably easier to see that the future doesn’t exist but that doesn’t stop us from living under the belief that some thing is going to happen, that people will react in a certain way, that I will or won’t be there. We make plans and contingencies. And we all know that everything can change in a moment. An accident, new information, an unexpected turn of events, may spin off all of our well laid plans into oblivion. The future doesn’t exist: God is not there either.
God is Present. God is the great ‘I am’, not the ‘I was’ or ‘I will be’. God simply ‘Is’.
In our book, Alcoholics Anonymous, one of AA’s founders Bill Wilson, writes of being ‘…rocketed into the fourth dimension.‘ What does he mean? I’ve been pondering this question for a while and here are some of my thoughts.
We live in three dimensions in life. In geometry we are taught that length, the first dimension allows movement one direction or the other. Adding width, the second dimension, gives us area and we can move in any direction but only on one, flat plane. Height, which gives volume is the third dimension gives us the ability to move anywhere, on all planes in any direction. Running through all dimension is the fourth dimension. Einstein tells us the fourth dimension is ‘time.’ And time ever marches on wherever we find ourselves, wherever we move to.
But perhaps being rocketed, blasted into the fourth dimension is really taking us out of ‘time’ and into what is infinity eternal and completely outside of time: into the present moment, pure being, and forever now. There is no ‘time’ in eternity, only this moment. Here in timelessness we exist. Here in timelessness we find God, pure present Consciousness. There is no past or future with God, only the present.
Yes, I have more pondering to do.
The beauty of it all is that I do not need to understand everything perfectly. Small insights like this help me to grow in understanding and in applying them to my life, help me to discover peace and serenity, greater happiness, joy and freedom in this life and more ‘awe’-some moments.
Caution is natural, but fear is not. Do not give into fear, yet do not abandon caution. It is a balancing act. Caution is what causes you to look both ways before crossing the street. Fear is what keeps you frozen on the curb forever. You know the difference. You can feel it. Neale Donald Walsch
I have wanted to write from a young age. I remember in my early twenties I wanted to write the great Canadian novel, be the next Mordecai Richler or Margaret Atwood. I did not and, therefore, am not. I made a few feeble attempts at writing over the years, but became involved in other things and pushed writing aside. Well over thirty years have passed and I am still standing on the side of the road looking longingly over to the other side.
I got my PhD in making up excuses. I can say the time isn’t right. I don’t have the time. I am waiting for the right inspiration or the muse to come to get me to write. Tomorrow I will start. And of course, I do nothing. And with the passing of years there is always another excuse for putting things off, to the point where it seems it was a youthful dream that was never to be fulfilled in the first place. Only it’s still there.
I am unmoved on one side of the street not because I am cautious but because I am fearful. I keep looking both ways and even if there is no traffic, I look again and don’t take the first step. What are those fears? Fear of failure, fear that I am not good enough, fear that people won’t like it or like me. There are so many fears that keep my from embarking on this journey including the fear that I may even be successful.
Over the past 18 months I have been pushing my fears aside and sharing myself, my thoughts and my feeling in this blog. It is a slow beginning but it is a step to crossing that road to the other side. This morning I sent out a submission of a short story I have been working on. Will it be accepted and published? I don’t know. I am coming to terms with my fears. I see fear as a bad habit that I want to overcome if I want to move forward.
I am learning to step forward in trust; trust in myself and my abilities. If blog writing has taught me anything it is that I do have a talent for putting words together that can touch people and that my experience and thoughts are those shared by many others. I don’t think that my life is by any means exemplary, I’m just another guy who is actively seeking my truth and looking for answers. And my answer this week is that I need to walk forward and cross the street.
I have committed myself to continue writing my blog for the next year. It helps to keep me grounded and working my recovery program. I believe in my own program of Search, Learn, Grow, Share and Repeat. I have a couple of creative writing projects to move forward on. Perhaps you have a few things that you are wishing to try but are have been standing at the side of the road for as many years as I have. We are not alone. I am beginning to cross the road. Why don’t we walk together.
I spent the better part of my whole life seeking the approval others. I liked the praise of others for the things that I had done. From an early age I wanted others to like me and so I did what I could to keep everyone happy. I did well in school and that pleased my parents and my teachers. It didn’t always win the approval of classmates but they weren’t that important in my life, they weren’t people of influence.
So I learned very early on how to people please. I also learned to be very good at certain things so that they would turn out a certain way and others would like the results and I became a perfectionist. In high school, university, work life and relationships I sought, I craved approval.
I basically stayed that way until I came into recovery. With the help of the Steps of my program I was able to dissect my perfectionist attitude and see that at its root was pleasing people: seeking approval because deep down I didn’t think I was likable enough. I had low self esteem. I didn’t feel that I was, of myself, worthy of regard, like or love. I felt I had to earn it by doing things that others wanted me to do.
As a result, I didn’t try a lot of things because someone else might not approve. If I didn’t think I could pull it off ‘perfectly’, I wouldn’t even start. I placed impossibly high standards upon myself and my abilities: anything less than perfection was a failure. I had dreams of writing the next best selling novel, but I knew that was so doubtful that I gave up before I began. I wasn’t going to be the next Faulkner or Hemingway or Steinbeck, then why bother? I damned myself before I began.
My program has taught me that life is a process. It starts with me being me. It starts with me accepting myself as I am and learning to love that self. I am learning that I am enough. I don’t need the approval of others, I only need to love me. I have nothing to prove, nothing to earn. Whether you like me or not is really none of my concern. I have to be who I am.
I’m still working on it. I still want others to like me and what I do, but it’s not so important to me. I try to impress the ‘right’ people, but now I catch myself and know that I am enough. If it pleases you, that’s very nice, but it’s not as vital to me as it used to be. I am learning to say yes to things that I wouldn’t have done in the past because it is an opportunity for personal growth and understanding regardless of how well I do it. I guess I’m learning what it means to be leave my adolescence behind and become a human adult. One step at a time, and one day at a time.
Recovery river 