mindfullness

You Have the Power!

/ Tim / Leave a comment

“Don’t get upset with people and situations because both are powerless without your reaction.”

I came across this quote this week. There was a picture of Buddha with it, but I have no idea if it is a Buddhist quote. If I don’t react to things around me, then I don’t give them my power. It goes along with acceptance. It about how I invest my emotions in the things that around me. When I accept something, I am saying that it is. Nothing more. I am not saying that I like it. I am not saying that it needs to be changed. I am outside of that judgment. It simply is.

My emotional involvement in people or situations will not change anything. Getting angry with another driver for cutting me off will not change anything.  The other guy might not have realized that he did what he did.  He may wonder why some freak in the car behind him is blowing his horn and blinking his lights. He probably can’t hear your shouting and can’t count how many fingers you have pointed into the air. If I accept that the guy cut me off then I am not giving him power, nor am I giving my power to what he did. If I learn to remain calm, and accept, I keep my power and I keep my serenity.

Acceptance does not equal approval.

Acceptance is separate from judgement. I don’t have to like what is happening when I accept it. I am simply acknowledging that it is. I don’t like it when people treat me with disrespect. I don’t like it when I’m cut off in traffic. It bothers me when my efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated. I can still accept that it happened and then make a decision about what to do or not do about it. I don’t have to give away my peace of mind, my serenity when it happens. I have the ability to choose where and how I express my emotions. Another person cannot piss me off unless I let him.

I can’t control people, places or things.

My circle of control extends to about as wide as I can stretch my arms and sometimes it contracts about as far as the tip of my nose. If I am angry or upset or frustrated about something, it is because I have allowed that to happen. You didn’t do it to me, the event didn’t do it to me. I did it to me. That’s a hard pill to swallow at first. My immediate reaction is to lash out. But like everything else, it is a process. First I see that I lashed out when something happened. With some more practice I then recognize it when I am in the midst of it and finally I stop myself before I lash out at someone because I do not want to give my power to them. It’s not a straight line process either; sometimes I am in acceptance and sometimes I jump right to anger.

“…Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly…” Working on our reactions and turning them into responses that are thought out takes time. Trust the process. Trust your ability to make a change. Nothing is impossible.

Peace.

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Stop and Think

/ Tim / Leave a comment
I’ve known my friend Barb and her husband Alan for over twenty years. Recently Barb has been dealing with a condition that is limiting and painful. As a result, she started take a pain management class. One of the great things she took away from the class is Stop and Think. “If you take nothing else from this class,” the instructor said, “that will get you through so much. And if you don’t take that in, nothing else I tell you will help.” Oh what a simple lesson, yet so often forgotten.

Stop and think reminds me of a safety lesson from grade school oh so many years ago. If you ever find your clothing on fire don’t run, rather, Stop, Drop and Roll. I’m pretty sure that we can apply this here because so often whenever we run into difficulties, we run around like the proverbial headless chicken. Stop, drop and think! I have the urge to do something to make things right and better. I want to help and do. However, I don’t always think my solutions through and often react by doing the same thing I did the last time I had this problem, which, obviously didn’t solve the problem because here I am trying to solve it again. Stop and think. I’ve come to the conclusion lately that ‘common sense’ isn’t all that common at all. There are a lot of folks out there in the world going off half-cocked doing and saying things that, if they had stopped, sat down and thought about it, wouldn’t have done or said.

In my recovery program, it is extremely important that I stop and think. At first it is difficult. It seems so easy to go to my angry place because of what my partner did. It is easier to slip into self-pity than to stop and think about the situation. The pill bottle or the liquor bottle will help out. I try the ‘easier, softer’ solution rather than stopping and thinking about what I am doing. We are breaking a habit that has been practiced for years. So the idea of stopping and thinking is new. And I must stop and think I can ask myself what’s the next ‘right’ thing that I need to do?

It’s not easy at first. I have neither the tools nor the experience to have any idea of what the ‘right’ thing to do is in this situation. Stop and Think Tim. I can talk to my sponsor or other addict about it. I can (and so often still do) say the Serenity Prayer to help calm and focus my thoughts. I can learn to play the tape through to the end, envisioning the results. In the process of my thinking about it, the answers came.

Sometimes the best thing about stopping and thinking is the realization that I don’t have to ‘do’ anything about this. So much of what was happening around me wasn’t my problem. I didn’t have to fix anything because it was never up to me to fix it. And other times when I trying to solve a problem it dawns on me that it isn’t a problem to be solved, rather, it’s a fact that must be accepted.

Stop and Think! At first, like any other habit that we are trying to cultivate, it is awkward and doesn’t feel right. Give yourself time. Gradually we learn how to apply the steps to our lives. I learn to do the ‘next right thing’, it doesn’t automatically happen because I’m now clean and sober. A drug or a drink will give me another problem on top of the original one. Stop and Think! because if you don’t get this, nothing else in the program will work.

Thank you for your thoughts Barb.  Check out her blog post here.

My Attitude, My Choice

/ Tim / 1 Comment

It’s often so easy to fall into negativity, self-criticism and morbidity. ‘Oh woe is me and the world is going to hell in a handbasket!’ If I focus on the news, the dramas around me and what others tell me I ‘should’ know about, then I am liable to fall into this view of life. However, I have discovered that I can just as easily choose to focus on positivity, self-esteem and optimism.

For some reason, focusing on the first, the negative aspects of life, is viewed as having a realistic attitude toward life and looking at the positive is seen as ‘airy-fairy’.  I am being a realist when I look at the war mongering leaders in the world, but rather naïve when I look at the benefits of nuclear energy and nuclear medicine. In one part of the Serengeti the headline reads, “Gazelle brutally attacked and murdered by pack of thug lions!” On the other side of the Plain, the headline is, “Lioness brings food for her family and shares her fortune with others.” How is one more realistic than the other? Both are true. The perspective is what is different.  How can I say that one is more ‘real’ than the other?

I can’t. I cannot know the ins and outs of my Higher Power’s plan for this world I find myself in.  My judgement is inherently flawed because I am unable to see the whole picture of what is going on.  Perhaps I can look at my Higher Power as a drone flying above the city looking down at the car I’m driving.  Right in front of me, a couple of elderly folks are slowly making their way across the street.  She drops her cane and the old man puts his hand on my car to support himself as he bends over to pick it up for her.  I’m late, I have a meeting to get to and these old fogies are making me later.  How bloody frustrating!  Hurry up you old SOB and stop marring the shine on my hood!

Up above in the drone, my Higher Power is looking down.  He sees all of the traffic in the city.  He see that two blocks ahead of me a distracted mother is about to run a stop sign and head through the intersection at a good clip because she is taking her sick child to the hospital.  That car makes it through and, after the people in front of me finally get to sidewalk, I make my way up the street and get to my meeting safely. My attitude, my frustration, my judgement of the people crossing the street wasn’t necessary. I can’t see what’s around the corner. I know my Higher Power can. The wrinkly old dame dropped her cane and saved my life.

I have a very important choice in life.  That choice is where I focus my attention. The human brain can only focus on one thing at a time. I choose to focus on the positive aspect. I choose to look at the good, the wondrous and bright things I encounter in my world.  That doesn’t make me unrealistic. That doesn’t mean I am denying the hunger, sadness or poverty in the world. It means that I am not going to allow those things to depress my spirit. The joy I encounter is just as real as the sadness you discover. I am quite capable to discovering your sadness too. Trust me, I have a PhD in depression and used it for many years. The point is, I don’t have to. I can choose to see the glass half full, or half empty. It’s the same reality, just a different perspective.  Or, I can look at that glass as ‘refillable’!  Wow, that’s a whole new concept that goes beyond the half full/empty scenario!

I know that life isn’t all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies. I also know that it’s not all mud and snakes and demons either. Focusing on the first makes me happy. It fills me with joy.  It give me a reason to spread happiness. That is what I want in my life. I know my Higher Power has my back.  I know that I will always be looked after. I know that I will be able to get through everything in life, until I don’t. Meanwhile, I choose to focus on the positive angle. Happiness, joy and freedom are what I want in my life. What do you want in yours?

 

♥  ♥  ♥

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Peace