Solitude

“People who take time to be alone usually have depth, originality, and quiet reserve.” John Miller

In my disease I spent a great deal of time alone. I also spent a great deal of time feeling lonely. And I spent a lot of time wishing it wasn’t so. I hadn’t completely isolated myself.  I wasn’t barricading myself in my room and hiding under my bed–yet. I still went out occasionally, but not really to socialize, more so to get what I needed. I preferred my own company and loathed it at the same time. I wanted friends but didn’t want them around me.  Addiction is full of contradictions.

I have always known that I need time to myself. It’s how I process my thoughts. I am an introvert and I know I need to be alone to recharge. My energy comes from silence. I need my Fortress of Solitude in order to restore myself. It’s not being alone and wishing I wasn’t. That’s loneliness and loneliness is an ego driven downward spiral. The times when I feel lonely are the times when I would rather not be alone. I can solve that. I can pick up my phone and chat with someone or go down into town.

Solitude is a time for repair of the body, mind and soul. My cell phone is in another room and away from the temptation to pick it up at every beep or burp it makes. I prefer the ambient sounds of where I live when I am in my solitude, but some may like some relaxing music. I like to have a notepad nearby should a thought pop into my head that I know will slip out as quickly as it came if I don’t write it down. I can use my solitude to read. I can use it to think. I can use it to meditate. In solitude I unplug and detach from life.

Solitude, used in this way, is a contradiction. When I am in solitude I am making and restoring connections. I connect with myself. I use my morning time to analyse how I am feeling about myself and life. I use it to think about what is important to me. I believe that it’s important to think about things, mull them over in my head, question my beliefs around a particular topic. I need to do that for my writing as well as for my sanity.

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Sometimes solitude takes planning. Depending upon your life, you may need to schedule this time alone. In my readings of the past year I’ve learned that people who are successful in many aspects of life make time for solitude because they know how important it is as part of their creativity and drive as well as in maintaining balance in their lives. They do this as part of their daily routine as well as taking vacations from their job whether it’s an afternoon away or a sabbatical year. I really ‘need’ that time in the morning from 5:30 to 7:00 and I see the difference when I don’t get it.

I live a fairly quiet life but even so, I can fill a day with odd jobs and tasks. I am conscious of the amount of time I spend on social media, watching TV (How did we survive before Netflix?)  and the ubiquitous cell phone with all of its apps and time wasters.  I need to unplug from the business of life in order to tune into what’s really important and I’ve learned that I can’t figure that out on the fly.

I need my solitude.

Opening up

A human being is a part of the whole called the “universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in all its beauty. We may or may not be able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security. ~Albert Einstein

Throughout his whole life Einstein never lost his wonder at life and the greatness of the universe. His sense of ‘awe’ stretched  from the vastness of time and space to the tiniest particles of matter and non-matter. In all of creation he saw that there was something beyond what the senses could sense. He believed that science and religion would ultimately end up at the same point with respect to the universe and this rather persistent illusion we call reality.

Spirituality, I believe, is that which connects us. The self, my ego, is that which tells me that I am separate. Science may be disintegrating the old images of God as creator but at the same time it is opening our minds to a newer reality of something far greater than ourselves at the centre of all. Exactly what that is? I have no idea. I too have a sense of awe and wonder when I contemplate the the seen and unseen universe of time and space.

I can take a cup of water from the ocean. It has all of the chemical properties of the ocean but it is not the ocean; where are the tides and currents and immense power in this cup of salty water? However, when I pour it back into the ocean it again becomes the ocean. It reintegrates so fully that I can never remove the same cup of water from it no matter how hard I try.

I see Consciousness in the same way. I am a drop of water splashed up from the River of Life. I possess many of the same properties as the river, but I am not the river. I can look around at all the other droplets splashed up at the same time and I can notice differences: different sizes, colours, position. But once my drop falls back down into the water, I become part of the River once more and those differences no longer exist.

I think that is what Einstein is getting at in the above quote. We are more alike than we are different. We imprison ourselves by our beliefs in our separateness rather than free ourselves in the knowledge that we are all the same. Man, woman, child and all of nature are all the creation of Universal Consciousness. It’s a tough concept to grasp, given our world as it is and how we have been taught all of our lives. But just knowing and opening ourselves up to other possibilities, is a step in a new direction. Just working toward a changed perspective is enough to free us from the bondage of self. And that’s a reason to be grateful.

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The Invisible World

“I once had a conversation with a neurosurgeon who was disputing the presence of this invisible world by saying he’d cut into thousands of bodies and had never seen a soul. I remember his awkward look when I asked him if he’s ever seen a thought while he was poking around inside a brain”  Wayne Dyer

I’ve been working with another recovery member and we have been discussing what ‘spirituality’ is and what it means for us. Some say that spirituality, religion, faith are all pretty much the same and, as Marx stated, “…the opiate of the masses.” We can not point to some thing and say there, that is spirituality. It cannot be measured or qualified by the senses and of course, it is said, there is no scientific basis for it. Or is there?

Science can’t explain why two people with the same fatal diagnosis of cancer has one person continuing to live and the other long dead. Nor can science explain why the placebo effect works: a pill with no active ingredients has the same effect as one with the ‘necessary’ ingredient. How about psychic phenomenon. I just read about early 20th century American Edgar Cayce and how when asleep could diagnose people and suggest a cure for their ailments with complete accuracy when he had no training. When you get into quantum physics, well,  scientific laws and principle seem to go right out the window. There is something else going on here; something that can’t be explained by the empirical method of science or the five senses.

So what is it? What is ‘spirituality’?

At this time, what is working for me as my definition, is that spirituality is the ‘thing’ that connects me to everything else.  It is the exact opposite of what my ego does. My ego tells me I am alone and different. Ego says I am separate. My ego keeps me away  from all other things. And it tells me that I have to do it all because no one else can (or at least they can’t do it as well).  When I was in my disease of addiction I was deep into ego and literally killing myself because of my terminal uniqueness.

Today I look at my connections to the people around me, to the pets that I keep, to the world in which I live. I look for the similarities and not the differences. I am connected to things I can see and things I can’t see: my father died well over twenty years ago, but I still feel a connection to him as well. I see that, although I can’t explain the ins and out of what spirituality is, it doesn’t make it any less real or valid. I can’t explain electricity either, but I can certainly explain about how I need it when it’s cut off.

I doubt that I will ever be able to give a completely accurate definition of spirituality, other than the dictionary definition of ‘the quality of being spiritual’. But I think that it will always have that notion of connection. There are things we see, and things that are invisible. Doesn’t make one more real than the other.

Who has seen the wind?

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