journaling

Progress, not Perfection

/ Tim / 3 Comments

Last week I sneezed rather forcefully and my back went out. There went the weekend plans out the window. I was forced to make changes. It was not the first time it happened and fortunately, I have a small ‘TENS’ unit which I can use to send electrical impulses across my lower back and a good ice pack. Using them alternatively helps to ease the discomfort. Regardless, I know from experience that I need to do two things. First, I need to relax and take it easy, resting horizontally for a couple of day. Second, I need to look at why this happened, asking myself what are the physical and spiritual components to this occurrence.

I have come to learn from my own disease of addiction that I am an interconnected: when the body is in pain, so is the soul, and visa versa. I admire societies where a shaman is called who works with the body and the soul to promote healing. Western society separates the role of the doctor and the priest: medicine and spirituality are kept apart. Like my addiction, I know if there is a physical component, there is also a spiritual one. When something is wrong with the body there is something wrong with the soul and the soul-sickness usually develops before the bodily one.

Looking back I can see I put myself under stress physically (more intense gym workouts) and spiritually (holiday preparation, work and not keeping up with my program of meditation-journaling). I believe both of these resulted in my back deciding to go on vacation, forcing me to change some plans, slow down and get back to basics.

I am grateful that I have a recovery program to turn to. I am grateful that I have learned to see the signs, sometimes even before the physical torture of a lower back spasm. My spine is like a river with its electrical impulses flowing up and down. I can dam the flow and when I do that, I cause problems. And like the river, it takes time to take apart the pieces of the dam that restrict the flow but gradually it returns to normal.

These few days have given me time to catch up on reading, writing and appreciating the health that I do have. They have been a reminder to me how important it is to keep up my program and the short distance between ease and dis-ease. The steps of my recovery program require that I live them. They are not a checklist that I can forget about once finished; they require a daily recommitment to keep them fresh and alive.

I know this, and yet I still let things slide once in a while. I am grateful that this is a program of progress and not perfection: one day at a time. Our goal isn’t becoming saints, rather pilgrims enjoying the journey of life with others. I am grateful that I can now recognize when that’s not happening and that I have the tools to put me back on that path. Maybe next time I will recognize it before I can’t get out of bed in the morning.

Peace.pexels-photo-261415.jpeg

Write It!

/ Tim / 2 Comments

I doubt there’s a group that makes larger mountains over the littlest of mole hills than people in recovery or those in dire need of it. We have the talent of building things up to greater and greater volumes of _________(you may insert the word ‘crap’ in here if you wish). So much so that it becomes overwhelming. Of course we relapse. Who could shoulder the weight of that mountain of stress?

How does this happen to us? We let it happen by allowing the little stuff to grow in our minds in an uncontrolled manner. If you’re new to recovery, it’s an untrained mind on top of it all. Even an “X” on your yearly coin is no guarantee that your mind won’t race wildly in any and all directions. It was ‘suggested’ to me in early sobriety that I begin a journal where I could write down some thoughts and perhaps see the progress. And like so many good newbies in recovery, I agreed that it was a good idea; and did nothing about it.

I started my journaling project about four years into recovery and have been lightly kicking myself ever since. It has been so worthwhile. Probably the greatest benefit for me has been my writing’s ability to bring the mountain down to size. I discovered that problems swirl and somersault in my mind. There’s often a three ring circus happening, the clowns are chasing after the monkeys and the ringmaster has gone for his lunch break.

Writing forces me to put things down concretely. It makes me seek the correct words for what is happening and how I am feeling. By writing it down, I can see the problem for what it really is, without all the drama that my mind likes to add on. It makes the problem ‘right sized’. Once I really get rid of the clowns and monkeys I am better able to look for solutions. I am able to apply the Serenity Prayer to discover what is within my ability to control and what is not. I can reason out various paths that will help to resolve what is going on in my life. By journaling, I find I am in the solution and not stuck in the problem.

It really doesn’t matter how you do it. Writing in a leather bound book is nice, but a school workbook will do just as well. I also use and online journaling site www.penzu.com that a friend introduced me to not long ago. Here it can be double and triple password encrypted if you feel the need. The important thing is that you get it down somewhere. Start small, just a few thoughts in the morning. It’s also a good way to begin or end your morning meditation. Just Write It!

“The longest journey is the journey within,” said Dag Hammarskjöld. Your journey can begin with a single step and that first step can be a journal.

Peace.