Humility

The Three E’s

/ Tim / 4 Comments

I have a friend in recovery who, when he talks about the root of his problems and difficulties in life, says he can always trace them back to one of the three E’s: Ego, Envy and Entitlement. Whether it’s a problem with a coworker, or partner, how he’s feeling about a situation, or even how he’s been thinking about himself, he can always find one of the three as a key source to his approach to the situation.

Ego say that this is mine and you can’t have it. Envy says that what you have really should be mine. Entitlement tells me that it’s mine and I deserve it. Of course we can boil all three down to just the one: Ego; it’s all about me. What you have should be mine and you can’t have what I’ve got.

In an of itself Ego isn’t good or bad. It’s a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. I can have an inflated sense of self, thinking I am better than another or I can have an inferior sense of who I am  When combined with the disease of addiction, or as I often hear it said, the desease of ‘more’, my sense of self is so great that everyone else is beneath me or I think the opposite where I feel I am as worthless as  whale dung on the ocean floor. Like so much else in life, it’s hard to find the balance between the extremes.

I can often find myself with the desire for what others have. I think that’s normal. It can help to motive me to change and move so that I too may share in what another has. But envy has no such desire to change. I want what you have, and I feel I’m entitled to have it. I don’t want to work for it, you should give it to me. Or, I have something and you can’t have it. As with ego, it can be inverted too where I have the feeling that I don’t deserve anything, and am worthy of nothing.

In recovery, like many other things, the trick is to find that elusive balance between the extremes. When it’s in balance, I have a sense of humility; the acceptance of who, where and what I am at this present moment. Balance is difficult to achieve. A mote of envy or a pinch of entitlement on either side can tip that balance one way or the other and start the slide down the scale and away from balance. I used to be blatantly unaware of the three E’s in my life.

Today I usually recognize when I am envious, arrogant or ego driven while I am in it, or shortly after the fact, and I can do something about it. Keeping the balance between need and desire is not easy because the river of life is full of turns and current and rapids that constantly test my sense of balance and threaten to tip me into the water. Staying in the moment helps me to deal with that which is at hand and keep myself afloat. With practice, finding the balance does get easier.

I am grateful.

Became Entirely Ready

/ Tim / Leave a comment

I didn’t give much time to Step Six when I first went through the steps. I didn’t think it needed a whole lot of thought or discussion. I had discovered my defects of character in Step Four and shared them in Step Five. So yes, I was ready to have them removed and move on with the program. I was still, perhaps, in the mode of getting through the steps as fast as possible: quantity over quality.

A couple of years ago I went through Step Six and Seven again with my sponsor. As part of the process I read the book, “Drop the Rock”, a Hazelton Publication. Here I came to learn that I missed two fundamental parts of Step Six when I first went through it. I got being prepared to let my Higher Power remove my defects of character. But I totally missed that in order to have those removed, I had to let them go. And I wasn’t quite ready for the new person that would be created as a result of this transformation.

Going through the first five steps had changed me. I was starting to like who I was again. I had learned to look into the mirror and love who was looking back. I thought I was doing pretty good with the whole recovery thing. And after seven months in recovery, I was. I just didn’t have the depth necessary in order to understand what ‘entirely ready’ really meant. Yes, I wanted to be rid of those character defects of arrogance, perfectionism and entitlement, to name a few. I wanted them gone. But wanting them gone and letting them go? I didn’t realize that those were two different things. I had to open my hands and let those things go. As the book says, I had to drop those rocks that were weighing me down and holding me back.

The other thing I didn’t realize at the time is something that is sort of understood, but not stated in the step.  In the same way that ‘could restore us to sanity’ in Step Two tells us that we were insane, here too there’s an understanding that I am going to be a different person when I have my defects of character removed. This I really didn’t consider the first time through the step. My character was made up partly by those defects of character that I wanted gone, so it made sense that I would be a different person at the end of this. But: I had to be willing to let go of the ‘me’ I knew for a ‘me’ that was new. In this step, I can’t hold onto the old me, I have to release it in the same way that I release the rest of the ‘rocks’ that hold me back and, at the same time, trust my Higher Power and the process of going through the steps would create a new and improved Tim.

Letting go of who and how I am still proves to be difficult. Every once in a while I find another part of me that needs to be worked on. It comes with living the Steps. I must be willing to leave behind as well as move forward. I am grateful that I have many examples of others who also live the steps and I can see the results in them. I know that my Higher Power will do the same for me.

 

Taking the Fifth

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A recovery program ‘fifth’ couldn’t be further from the US Constitution ‘Fifth Amendment’ where one does not have to testify to self incriminate. The Fifth Step ask us to admit to our Higher Power, ourselves and another human being the “exact nature of our wrongs” which we discovered by going through Step Four. In other words, we completely incriminate ourselves and own up to the who, what, when where, why and how of our past.

Confession is not only good for the soul, it helps to heal the mind and body as well. More and more we hear about the link between our physical, mental and emotional health. How I think and feel can directly affect my body: my un-ease can cause dis-ease. Research shows that it goes a whole lot deeper than worry and stress causing stomach ulcers. I need to spill my guts in order to regain my health and sanity. I think the Catholics idea of confession is sound. Telling on myself, revealing my secrets, will help to restore my being.

“Why do I have to tell someone?  It should be enough to write my list and talk to my Higher Power.” In reality, it isn’t enough. It’s one thing to say to myself and remind myself what I have done, even when it’s done in a real and spiritual way. And I believe it should be: we can take the time to sit down by ourselves and have a chat with our Higher Power about what wrote in Step Four. However, it’s quite another to say it out loud to another human being. Doing so makes it real. Discussing it helps us to understand our underlying motives, our passions and our humanity. And it helps us to develop a plan of how I can make some positive changes so that I won’t repeat the same behaviour in the future.

Taking the Fifth helps to develop humility, not to be confused with humiliation.  Humility is accepting the truth of what is: I am who I am, no better or no worse than anyone else; I am human. Part of that humanity is having faults as well as virtues and I need to accept both as part of my being. In many ways it’s a relief to tell on ourselves. I no longer have to prove who I am. At least one other person in this world knows my truth. I no longer need to put on a mask or play a role in front of that person: I can be completely honest.

A final thought on taking the Fifth Step. Doing so prepares me for the Ninth Step which, while it is still down the road a bit is when I talk to those whom I have offended and make amends for what I have done. If I have developed some humility and can share all of my past with one person, it will be much easier for me to admit my fault with someone who already knows something about what I had done.

Step Five provides a chance to develop some humility and honesty and demonstrate that to another human being. Once I do incriminate myself and my secrets are out, it’s a whole lot easier to continue the healing process of addiction. I gain self esteem and hope. I know I can change and that I can change how I respond to the persons places and things in my life, discovering the joys of recovery.