Hope

I’ve learned in my program that I need to clear away the wreckage of my past. Part of that wreckage is the damage that I did to other people, especially family. In the movie When Love is Not Enough, the Lois Wilson Story, Lois’ character says that on average four people are pulled into the vortex of an alcoholic. The word vortex, the spinning fury of mayhem that pulls what is around it into its empty centre, is quite appropriate. We lie, we cheat, we manipulate and we steal from these people while we are in the vortex, often discarding them along the way. I am reminded of the Tasmanian Devil of old cartoons. That is pretty much what we did.

Lois Wilson was the founder of Al-Anon Family Groups program for the family and friends of alcoholics. She, being the wife of Bill Wilson, one of the co-founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, knew what she was talking about having lived through the destruction that her husband’s alcoholism caused in both of their lives. She also knew of the struggle to find her own sanity in the midst of chaos and conflict. If her statement is true about how alcoholics and addicts affect the lives of others, then the rooms of Al-Anon should be overflowing; they aren’t.

I suppose it must be extra difficult to admit that the insanity of an addict’s life rubs off and that they are as powerless over alcohol and drugs and their loved one. It’s the alcoholic who is sick, not the spouse or partner. It’s hard to admit that one’s attempts to help a loved one have never been successful. It’s also hard to see that AA or NA is doing what love and devotion couldn’t accomplish alone. The wife of a friend of mine in the program openly states that she was as sick as her husband because of alcohol, but she was unable to see it until she went to Al-Anon, ostensibly to try to get help for him. Once there, she discovered that she needed help as well. Today they both travel their path of recovery.

I remember hearing a speaker at a meeting talk about having an argument with his wife because he was late coming home from work one night. She had been worried about him and he was angry because he had been in recovery for almost a year at the time. His sponsor chastised him, telling him that he had made so many promises to her that he had broken, that he had lied so many times about where he was and when he was coming home, and had manipulated her for so many years, that she had a right to think that he may have slipped. Even after a year, two years, or ten years, members have relapsed, so a partner’s worry is not without cause.

One of my sponsees came to me a while back. He’s fairly new in the program and was complaining about his wife. He felt that she was not understanding enough about his disease, always asking him where he was going and who he was with. He felt like she was treating him like a child and not the sober adult that he felt he was. His wife’s concern was genuine and is quite common. How many times had he broken promises to her? How often had he lied to her about where and with whom he was with? How often had he told her that he wasn’t going to drink or use only to find him dropped off on the front porch unable to stand let alone find the front door? No, he was the one who needed some understanding of where she was coming from and that while he may be sure he’s on the path of sobriety, she has every right to her uncertainty.

It is so much easier to see how our addiction has affected our own lives. It is not as easy to see how it has affected those who made the decision to love us. And it does affect them just as deeply and profoundly. I do not presume to speak for members of Al-Anon. I only know what I have heard from them. One told me that it was one of the most difficult thing he ever had to do was admit that he had allowed the alcoholism in his family to affect him as deeply as it had and that it took so long for him to realize that he too needed help to live.

We cause great swaths of destruction and leave a path of wreckage behind us. All of this can be cleared and the vortex toned down to a tolerable swirl. It takes time. Addicts and alcoholics know it takes time to go through their program and find happiness, joy and freedom. Those whom we have deeply affected also need time to heal. There is hope for all of us affected.

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Peace

Photo credit: Jennifer Rice

The topic of expectations has come up quite a lot in meetings of late. What are expectations and how are they a problem? As a fellow member shared, “Expectation are resentments under construction”. When I expect something to happen and it doesn’t, then I open myself to anger in this moment and resentment in my future. Expectations carry with them a sense of the expected: this thing is going to happen. I have this expectation because of past experience. I did this in the past and that was the result. I am doing the same thing now so the result will be the same. There’s a sense of entitlement to what should happen. I am living in the future.

When I live with expectation, I open myself up to possible anger and resentment because I believe that this will definitely occur in the same way that day follows night. If it doesn’t, or if it does happen, but not in the way I was ‘expecting’ it to happen, then I feel let down, confused, and perhaps, angry. Expectation is inflexible and unvarying. It’s the ‘my way or the highway’ position. I need to remember when dealing with people that this world is not a scientific laboratory. Yes, when I put oxygen and hydrogen in certain amounts and under certain conditions I can expect to get water. When I am dealing with persons, places or things, the precision of a lab experiment is lost. I cannot account for all of the conditions and variables.

Let’s look at a concrete example. I say to my partner, “I love you.” If I am in expectation mode, I already have a response in mind. I expect my partner to say something like, “I love you too.” I have said I love you to this person before, or I have said this to other people and that is the response I received. Anything less than that response could be potentially shattering to the relationship: I question myself, I question my feelings, I wonder about who my partner is loving if not me! Suddenly, instead of an intimate moment, I am questioning my whole relationship with this person. How quickly I can change my perspective when I live with expectation.

Hope is the alternative to expectation. If I have hope, there is a desire for an outcome, but there is no guarantee that it will happen as I would like it. Unlike expectation, hope allows for variance of the outcome. It doesn’t have to be perfect for me to find contentment. Hope is flexible and allows the unpredictable to happen. When I have a hope realized, I am grateful. I wasn’t anticipating that outcome to occur, so anything that comes from that is pure bonus. In hope, I am living in the moment not in the future. I am happy.

Looking at our example above. If I say, “I love you,” in hope, then any response is acceptable, including no response. I know there is no guarantee that the other person will give me an ‘I love you too’ back. If I get that, well, wow! The response may be a deep passionate kiss. Even if it’s an, “I’m not there yet,” I can accept that too. When I live in hope, everything is a gift.

There is a fine line between hope and expectation. Can I have both at the same time? Not really, I am either awaiting a determined response or I am not. I must set aside expectation. Live in the moment without preconceived ideas about what should happen and simply allow it to unfold. There are no guarantees in life so why live as though there are? I know that if my hope isn’t realized that this hope will not die, but continue on, because it is not fixed to a schedule nor to an outcome. Approach life with the wide-eyed innocence of a child and you will be struck by its wonder and beauty.

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Peace