Coming Back Full Circle

September 21, 2017September 19, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

“There’s no place like home!” said Dorothy as she clicked her heels together. And POOF I am back in my home town again. Okay, it wasn’t a poof, rather a five hour plane ride, but considering the distances travelled, it was rather quick indeed. And here I am again in the city where I was born.

I arrived here two days ago. Last time I was here was almost two and a half years ago. It’s the same and it’s different. I arrived alone this time as I am separated. I’m staying with Mom at her home of over twenty years. She’s getting a bit older, a bit slower. My best friend Bill is no longer among the living. The city has finally removed the bus terminal and parking in the city centre and created a wonderful square. Some shops have gone and new ones have appeared. I went to a meeting this morning at my former home group from when I lived here, and they’ve moved to another location. Things move on, things change and yet they are still recognizable.

The river is constantly changing.

There’s a Buddhist saying that basically says we never step into the same river twice. The water is moving along. The bank erodes in one area and silts up in another. Trees die and fall off the bank of the river and new ones grow up and take their place. Nothing stays the same. After all, a river that stops moving is no longer a river; it is a pond and without movement will eventually become stagnant and smell. A river, by its very nature, must move and flow. Places change, people change and when I take an honest look at myself, I realize that I am not the same person I was the last time I was here. At least I hope I am not.

Sometimes change happens very quickly, such as a death, or an accident. They are very obvious and if we resist them; they can cause us much discomfort and pain. I think most change happens at a much slower pace, so slow in fact, that we fail to appreciate the changes that are happening around us. One day I stepped on the scales and realized that I had gained 25 pounds over the past few years. Another day I looked at my arm and realized that my skin was sagging and not as taut as it once was. These changes are slow but steady and can come as quite a surprise. However, I can use this rate of change to my advantage.

Small changes add up

I touched on this theme of change last week in suggesting that we do one thing at a time, rather than try to do too much all at once. Today I am suggesting that those changes I make do not need to be big ones. Small changes, with time, can add up to a big change. Smaller changes have a better chance at taking hold in my daily habits. I don’t remember the whole story of the race between the rabbit and the tortoise, but I know the tortoise’s attitude of slow and steady got him to the finish line first.

Progress, not Perfection

I think about my first sponsor in the program. He is a humble, loving man devoted to his program and his family. Yet when I first heard the story about his addiction, I couldn’t believe that he was the same man. And he really wasn’t. The Paul that he was is not the Paul who he is today. Why? Slow and steady changes: following the suggestions of the program, his sponsor and developing a relationship with his Higher Power. Our motto is Progress not Perfection. As long as I am moving in the direction of my goal, it doesn’t matter what the pace is. I can slip and fall but I can also get back up again and keep trudging ahead.

I am sure that I will notice more changes as the days of my visit go along. I have come back again but I am not the same person as when I left. Those I will meet up won’t be the same either. I will remember that change is most natural. I have stepped into the river again here, and it is not the same river. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

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Peace

Ten Tidbits (Timbits?)

September 18, 2017September 12, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

I’ve learned a lot of life lessons since coming into the program. This is not an exhaustive list and not in any order of importance. Think of these as a few thoughts that popped into my head.

1. I am not alone. For many years in my disease I didn’t want to admit that I needed anyone and at the end I didn’t want to admit that I needed help. Even after starting the process of recovery it was difficult to ask for help. This was foreign territory for me, both the program and the asking for help.

2. It’s the engine that kills you, not the caboose. It never crossed my mind that the first hit or shot of something was what got my addiction going. Once I had something in my system, the obsession took over and all of my resolve disolved. I said only one, and suddenly I had ten. The first one is the deadly one that took me down the track each time. The last one, just kept me out of it a little bit longer.

3. What other people think is none of my business. This one was difficult for me to wrap my head around. I slowly came to understand that when I was worried and thinking about what others might think about me, then I was giving my will over to them so that they would like me, I was handing over my self esteem to others and praying for a pat on the head. I know now that I have to be true to myself. It’s nice if others like me, but it’s not necessary.

4. Faith will move mountains, but bring a shovel. I have learned that I am not helpless. There are many things that I can and must do to maintain my sobriety. I know I have a Higher Power who has always looked after me. I have to look after me too. To get to sobriety takes work, work that I have to do.

5. Not to decide is still a decision. I had heard this one years before, but I became an expert in the years leading up to my coming to the rooms. I just sort of let life happen. I needed to go somewhere or do something but I didn’t seem to have the energy to go or do anything. So I would let it slide. Letting it slide was my decision not to do something. I take a more proactive approach today in doing the ‘next right thing’.

6. Service will keep you sober. This one was drilled into me from day one. It took a year or so before I could begin to really understand what was happening. When I was doing ‘service’: washing coffee cups, helping to set up for meetings, greeting people as they arrived, I was getting out of my own head. My head is where the monkeys live and they like to have a circus whenever they can. Service, I have found is a way of keeping them in their cages. I get out of me and see that there is a whole other world out there.

7. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. How many times did I wake up and say: ‘I’m never doing that again!’ only to be back at it by noon. Of course I was. I wasn’t changing anything different and yet, I expected I could stay sober. Thanks to my sponsors and personal reflection, I am able to have a clearer picture of what I am doing in life. I have to do something. A change of only one degree on your bearing will drastically change where you will end up.

8. There are many paths to get to where you want to go. “Do you know that way to San Jose?” goes the song. Living in Costa Rica with it’s capital being San Jose, I can give you a definite ‘yes’, I do know the way to San Jose. There are many ways to get there. Some are more direct, others are more scenic, some require a four-wheel drive vehicle. Eventually, following these ‘ways’, you will get to San Jose. So it is with sobriety. My program is not the only way. There are many sober people in the world who do not follow the same program as I do. So it is with faith. My Higher Power works for me, and yours works for you. The point is, they all get us to where we want to go.

9. The more we learn, the more we learn how much more there is to learn. A friend of mine in the program who started out well over thirty years ago talks of a member of his group who was an old, old timer who was around when the program was in its infancy. The fellow used to say at meeting: “Folks, we’re just scratching the surface here.” I agree. When I came in I thought I knew what I was doing. Now I see a depth of faith in others in the program that I want and I know I can have if I work for it. I see understanding of the literature that goes way over my head. It is a challenge to me to keep asking questions, seeking more answers. It is a journey that I am enjoying a great deal.

10. There is no room for resentment, anger or fear in a heart full of gratitude. Gratitude takes me out of me and into the realm of the spirit. When I am grateful for all that I have been given, then the petty things of the world around me fall by the wayside. How can I hold a grudge, hate someone or worry about tomorrow when I acknowledge the many ways I have always been very blessed? I can’t. I am grateful.

Living in Hope

September 4, 2017September 2, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

The topic of expectations has come up quite a lot in meetings of late. What are expectations and how are they a problem? As a fellow member shared, “Expectation are resentments under construction”. When I expect something to happen and it doesn’t, then I open myself to anger in this moment and resentment in my future. Expectations carry with them a sense of the expected: this thing is going to happen. I have this expectation because of past experience. I did this in the past and that was the result. I am doing the same thing now so the result will be the same. There’s a sense of entitlement to what should happen. I am living in the future.

When I live with expectation, I open myself up to possible anger and resentment because I believe that this will definitely occur in the same way that day follows night. If it doesn’t, or if it does happen, but not in the way I was ‘expecting’ it to happen, then I feel let down, confused, and perhaps, angry. Expectation is inflexible and unvarying. It’s the ‘my way or the highway’ position. I need to remember when dealing with people that this world is not a scientific laboratory. Yes, when I put oxygen and hydrogen in certain amounts and under certain conditions I can expect to get water. When I am dealing with persons, places or things, the precision of a lab experiment is lost. I cannot account for all of the conditions and variables.

Let’s look at a concrete example. I say to my partner, “I love you.” If I am in expectation mode, I already have a response in mind. I expect my partner to say something like, “I love you too.” I have said I love you to this person before, or I have said this to other people and that is the response I received. Anything less than that response could be potentially shattering to the relationship: I question myself, I question my feelings, I wonder about who my partner is loving if not me! Suddenly, instead of an intimate moment, I am questioning my whole relationship with this person. How quickly I can change my perspective when I live with expectation.

Hope is the alternative to expectation. If I have hope, there is a desire for an outcome, but there is no guarantee that it will happen as I would like it. Unlike expectation, hope allows for variance of the outcome. It doesn’t have to be perfect for me to find contentment. Hope is flexible and allows the unpredictable to happen. When I have a hope realized, I am grateful. I wasn’t anticipating that outcome to occur, so anything that comes from that is pure bonus. In hope, I am living in the moment not in the future. I am happy.

Looking at our example above. If I say, “I love you,” in hope, then any response is acceptable, including no response. I know there is no guarantee that the other person will give me an ‘I love you too’ back. If I get that, well, wow! The response may be a deep passionate kiss. Even if it’s an, “I’m not there yet,” I can accept that too. When I live in hope, everything is a gift.

There is a fine line between hope and expectation. Can I have both at the same time? Not really, I am either awaiting a determined response or I am not. I must set aside expectation. Live in the moment without preconceived ideas about what should happen and simply allow it to unfold. There are no guarantees in life so why live as though there are? I know that if my hope isn’t realized that this hope will not die, but continue on, because it is not fixed to a schedule nor to an outcome. Approach life with the wide-eyed innocence of a child and you will be struck by its wonder and beauty.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace