Expectations

Without a Worry

/ Tim / 2 Comments

We suffer more in imagination than in reality…Most of the things that we’re anxious about, that we torture ourselves about, that we dread, that we catastrophize in our head—they never actually end up happening. Sure, bad stuff does happen in life, but our nightmares are usually worse than reality. Don’t suffer unnecessarily. Don’t borrow suffering from the future.” Ryan Holiday

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

It’s been said that 95% of what we worry about never happens. We fret, procrastinate and hide rather than face whatever might come along. And when it finally comes to pass, we realize that it wasn’t as bad as we thought it might be. While I think it is a good idea to be prepared for the worst, we don’t have to live as if the worst has happened. How much of our time is wasted thinking about and living with the idea that things aren’t going to go my way? And there we have it, Ego putting in its two cents worth of advice: my way.

How many people live their lives in a constant dither of worrying about what is going to happen or what someone might say or think? Then the thing happens and if it does go badly then they fall into self pity and let that waste their time. And even if it goes well, they second guess and bemoan that it should have been better. How many times do we imagine a catastrophe, pre-live it in full colour detail? It happens. And then we relive it over and over for the next hours, days or weeks? Let me ask you: did you really have a bad day or was it just ten minutes that weren’t so great that you milked for pity for the next 23 hours and 50 minutes?

Photo by Kim Stiver on Pexels.com

As much as possible I try to live in the present, the gift of now. Ego doesn’t like me this way. When I am in the present, aware and observant of what is around me, not making comments, comparisons or judgements, there is no room for Ego. Anger and resentments keep me in the past. Worry and fear keep me in the future. And they are all Ego driven: not having gotten, not getting and might not get my way. When I am living in the present, there is no my way, there is only what is, the here and now.

I think that when I am doing service for others I am in the same frame of mind. I am not thinking about what is in it for me, but how I can assist the community. When I am doing something with love, I place no conditions or expectations. And when I am grateful, I lovingly share with others what I have been given. There is no Ego in this, only the deep seated sense of contentment and fulfillment. My way has been transformed into Our way.

Do I succeed in living my life this way everyday? No. I often spectacularly fall way short of what I had hoped for. I have learned though, that this isn’t failure because I have learned something along the way. Yes, things aren’t always going to go perfectly, but I don’t have to fret and fear so much before hand that I fulfill my own expectations. It really isn’t the end of the world until it’s the end of the world. I don’t have to make my life miserable and cause suffering to others as well. It’s all in my mind anyway: there’s nothing real here, only imagination. Suffering in life really is optional. Besides, I have survived everything that has happened to me so far in life. Chances are pretty good that I am going to survive whatever happens next, and I may get a good story out of the deal!

* * *

Ryan Holiday is a modern follower of Stoic Philosophy. The Daily Stoic morning email from his website is one of three that I always read because it almost always has something that is relevant. Stoicism was never a religion, though it sounds like it could be a heresy that the Inquisition would have pursued, but an approach to living, like Taoism. Much of the writings of Greek and Roman stoics are filled with practical wisdom that we can use on a daily basis. Ryan has authored several books, Ego is the Enemy, The Obstacle is the Way along with The Daily Stoic. Check out the website if you haven’t yet done so.

I AM ENOUGH!

/ Tim / 1 Comment
Morrie Schwartz

I think a lot of people beat up on themselves, punish themselves emotionally because they’re “not good enough” or they haven’t done enough. They berate themselves for not living up to their own or somebody else’s expectations or for not having taken a different route in life or for not getting better grades in school or a better job . . . . Once you get into that state of mind, you continue to be mean to yourself and hurt yourself in ways you may not even be aware of. It’s very important to be kind and loving to yourself. You’re the only self you’ve got, so to speak. Befriend yourself in the same way you feel compassionate and gentle with other people. If you practice the principles of grieving, accepting, and forgiving yourself, you will be making a start in that direction. –Morrie Schwartz

Photo by meo on Pexels.com

It is so easy to find fault with ourselves. Many of us have a PhD in Self Incrimination and Degradation. We could’ve, should’ve and would’ve ourselves into self hatred and loathing. And in so doing, we mark ourselves as losers in the game of life. This sense of not being good enough can affect us mentally, spiritually and even physically. In the same way that emotional stress and worry can cause ulcers, medicine can now demonstrate that there is a direct connection between how we think about ourselves and our overall physical health. Auto-immune diseases, heart disease, and even cancers have been shown to have a psychological component. And once we let ourselves slide into the abyss of self-deprecation, the challenge to rise out of it is formidable.

I’ve heard from a young age that ‘to err is human.’ and it’s true. I cannot be right 100% of the time. It’s impossible. There’s no way that I can know all of the variables that create perfection. It’s important to give yourself a break. You can’t do it all and you can’t win every time; you really are only human. One my favourite definitions of success reminds me I only need pick myself up off the ground one more time than I’ve fallen in order to finish the hike. So forgive yourself. Give yourself a pass on this one, stand up and move forward.

“Expectations are not results.”

Every scientist tests a new theory with experiments. Sometimes the results confirm the expectations of the scientist, and sometimes they disprove the theory. I’ve learned to plan for the best outcome and at the same time keep myself aware that my expectations may not materialize. If something didn’t work out as expected, that is a reflection of the process, not on me personally. And then I can change what I’m doing because I know that the last way didn’t cut it. Would we still be in the dark if Thomas Edison stopped his light bulb experiments at 9,999 attempts?

“I am enough!”

I have this written on my washroom mirror. It is a reminder that I am fine, just the way I am. I am not the work I do or the people I know. I don’t need anything else today. The mirror artistry is a powerful suggestion from Marisa Peer, a hypnotherapist from Britain. Much of her teaching is based on the truth that many people mistakenly believe that they fall short in some way or other. “I am enough” is a reminder to me that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone else or even to myself. Yes, “I am enough“, just as I am!

Photo by Matthias Groeneveld on Pexels.com

Saying it once, isn’t sufficient. We have to say it over and over to reinforce this new belief and to destroy the old tracks that say otherwise. These recorded tracks that have been in place for decades don’t rewrite themselves overnight; scratch the record enough and it can never be played again. That’s why we need the constant reminder to reinforce this new attitude because we all, despite the challenges of the day, deserve a break. And a greater sense of self-worth can do a great deal to maintain and help heal us physically, mentally and spiritually. Enough with the regrets. We can give ourselves the benefit of any doubt.

Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. You really are Enough!

A Forever Change

/ Tim / Leave a comment

I receive daily emails from several sources that focus on self development, further education and spiritual growth. Some I read religiously. Others I only check out if the excerpt sounds interesting. Many titles begin with promises of renewal and change. Others list a certain number of steps or items for success in whatever they are promising, should you follow them. I know that there are many ways of changing one’s self to achieve greater success and achievement in as many aspects of our lives. But I feel that many of these articles fail in mentioning one important point: in order to take on a “better version of yourself”, you must also be willing to let go of the old version.

Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

Most of us lead very busy and full lives. We’re working, looking after our children and families, doing household chores, all of which keep us alive, though not always living a life we would like to live. It’s easy to fall under the spell of ‘Three Ways to Simplify Your Day’, or ‘Finding Peace and Contentment in the Fury’. We pick and choose what is offered and try some of these suggestions in our lives. However, a month or so later we’re back doing things the old way because these suggestions just wouldn’t work in our lives. Or so we think.

I have learned over the past years that if I wish to move forward in my life, I have to let go of the old: there just isn’t room for the newer version of ‘Tim’ if the old one is still around. It’s easy to say but not easy to do. You see, I kind of like the old version. I am used to it. I know how I react to things. I know that it takes time to get used to new stuff but I am too entrenched in the old self to really give the 2.0 version of me a chance. As a result I tell myself that this ‘didn’t work’, or it’s ‘not for me.’ But that’s not really true. It like I am trying to implement a new operation system in my computer while still running the old software: it won’t work.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

What does work for me is letting go of the old, trusting in the process of change. I stop trying to put great expectations on the results and just enjoy the journey. When I first got into recovery everything was new, enticing and also overwhelming. I learned that I had to look at myself differently, as a person in recovery. I had to let go of my former version for the newer one in, get used to it, live with it and get comfortable with it. Hanging around in a bar with my old drinking buddies would not have kept me on the straight and narrow. I had to let go of the me I knew to make room for a new me that was emerging. Putting your dirty clothes back on after taking a shower, you’re still going to smell. Recovery wouldn’t work if I was holding onto my old self while trying get comfortable in my new skin. And I had to trust that the process I was going through would work for me as it had for literally millions of other folks, but only if I gave it an honest chance. And to do that, I had to say good-bye to the ‘me’ I was, and welcome the new whoever that might be.

Change is only possible when we make room for it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small thing such as changing your bedtime, or a life shifting change in profession. We have to let go. We must let go. Otherwise we are bound to fail. Ensure a successful transition to the newest version of ‘You’! Move forward and leave the old behind. Say good-bye to who you were to make a ‘forever’ change.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com