The Wreckage

September 25, 2017September 24, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

I’ve learned in my program that I need to clear away the wreckage of my past. Part of that wreckage is the damage that I did to other people, especially family. In the movie When Love is Not Enough, the Lois Wilson Story, Lois’ character says that on average four people are pulled into the vortex of an alcoholic. The word vortex, the spinning fury of mayhem that pulls what is around it into its empty centre, is quite appropriate. We lie, we cheat, we manipulate and we steal from these people while we are in the vortex, often discarding them along the way. I am reminded of the Tasmanian Devil of old cartoons. That is pretty much what we did.

Lois Wilson was the founder of Al-Anon Family Groups program for the family and friends of alcoholics. She, being the wife of Bill Wilson, one of the co-founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, knew what she was talking about having lived through the destruction that her husband’s alcoholism caused in both of their lives. She also knew of the struggle to find her own sanity in the midst of chaos and conflict. If her statement is true about how alcoholics and addicts affect the lives of others, then the rooms of Al-Anon should be overflowing; they aren’t.

I suppose it must be extra difficult to admit that the insanity of an addict’s life rubs off and that they are as powerless over alcohol and drugs and their loved one. It’s the alcoholic who is sick, not the spouse or partner. It’s hard to admit that one’s attempts to help a loved one have never been successful. It’s also hard to see that AA or NA is doing what love and devotion couldn’t accomplish alone. The wife of a friend of mine in the program openly states that she was as sick as her husband because of alcohol, but she was unable to see it until she went to Al-Anon, ostensibly to try to get help for him. Once there, she discovered that she needed help as well. Today they both travel their path of recovery.

I remember hearing a speaker at a meeting talk about having an argument with his wife because he was late coming home from work one night. She had been worried about him and he was angry because he had been in recovery for almost a year at the time. His sponsor chastised him, telling him that he had made so many promises to her that he had broken, that he had lied so many times about where he was and when he was coming home, and had manipulated her for so many years, that she had a right to think that he may have slipped. Even after a year, two years, or ten years, members have relapsed, so a partner’s worry is not without cause.

One of my sponsees came to me a while back. He’s fairly new in the program and was complaining about his wife. He felt that she was not understanding enough about his disease, always asking him where he was going and who he was with. He felt like she was treating him like a child and not the sober adult that he felt he was. His wife’s concern was genuine and is quite common. How many times had he broken promises to her? How often had he lied to her about where and with whom he was with? How often had he told her that he wasn’t going to drink or use only to find him dropped off on the front porch unable to stand let alone find the front door? No, he was the one who needed some understanding of where she was coming from and that while he may be sure he’s on the path of sobriety, she has every right to her uncertainty.

It is so much easier to see how our addiction has affected our own lives. It is not as easy to see how it has affected those who made the decision to love us. And it does affect them just as deeply and profoundly. I do not presume to speak for members of Al-Anon. I only know what I have heard from them. One told me that it was one of the most difficult thing he ever had to do was admit that he had allowed the alcoholism in his family to affect him as deeply as it had and that it took so long for him to realize that he too needed help to live.

We cause great swaths of destruction and leave a path of wreckage behind us. All of this can be cleared and the vortex toned down to a tolerable swirl. It takes time. Addicts and alcoholics know it takes time to go through their program and find happiness, joy and freedom. Those whom we have deeply affected also need time to heal. There is hope for all of us affected.

♥ ♥ ♥

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Peace

Photo credit: Jennifer Rice

Coming Back Full Circle

September 21, 2017September 19, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

“There’s no place like home!” said Dorothy as she clicked her heels together. And POOF I am back in my home town again. Okay, it wasn’t a poof, rather a five hour plane ride, but considering the distances travelled, it was rather quick indeed. And here I am again in the city where I was born.

I arrived here two days ago. Last time I was here was almost two and a half years ago. It’s the same and it’s different. I arrived alone this time as I am separated. I’m staying with Mom at her home of over twenty years. She’s getting a bit older, a bit slower. My best friend Bill is no longer among the living. The city has finally removed the bus terminal and parking in the city centre and created a wonderful square. Some shops have gone and new ones have appeared. I went to a meeting this morning at my former home group from when I lived here, and they’ve moved to another location. Things move on, things change and yet they are still recognizable.

The river is constantly changing.

There’s a Buddhist saying that basically says we never step into the same river twice. The water is moving along. The bank erodes in one area and silts up in another. Trees die and fall off the bank of the river and new ones grow up and take their place. Nothing stays the same. After all, a river that stops moving is no longer a river; it is a pond and without movement will eventually become stagnant and smell. A river, by its very nature, must move and flow. Places change, people change and when I take an honest look at myself, I realize that I am not the same person I was the last time I was here. At least I hope I am not.

Sometimes change happens very quickly, such as a death, or an accident. They are very obvious and if we resist them; they can cause us much discomfort and pain. I think most change happens at a much slower pace, so slow in fact, that we fail to appreciate the changes that are happening around us. One day I stepped on the scales and realized that I had gained 25 pounds over the past few years. Another day I looked at my arm and realized that my skin was sagging and not as taut as it once was. These changes are slow but steady and can come as quite a surprise. However, I can use this rate of change to my advantage.

Small changes add up

I touched on this theme of change last week in suggesting that we do one thing at a time, rather than try to do too much all at once. Today I am suggesting that those changes I make do not need to be big ones. Small changes, with time, can add up to a big change. Smaller changes have a better chance at taking hold in my daily habits. I don’t remember the whole story of the race between the rabbit and the tortoise, but I know the tortoise’s attitude of slow and steady got him to the finish line first.

Progress, not Perfection

I think about my first sponsor in the program. He is a humble, loving man devoted to his program and his family. Yet when I first heard the story about his addiction, I couldn’t believe that he was the same man. And he really wasn’t. The Paul that he was is not the Paul who he is today. Why? Slow and steady changes: following the suggestions of the program, his sponsor and developing a relationship with his Higher Power. Our motto is Progress not Perfection. As long as I am moving in the direction of my goal, it doesn’t matter what the pace is. I can slip and fall but I can also get back up again and keep trudging ahead.

I am sure that I will notice more changes as the days of my visit go along. I have come back again but I am not the same person as when I left. Those I will meet up won’t be the same either. I will remember that change is most natural. I have stepped into the river again here, and it is not the same river. I am grateful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace

Ten Tidbits (Timbits?)

September 18, 2017September 12, 2017 / Tim / 2 Comments

I’ve learned a lot of life lessons since coming into the program. This is not an exhaustive list and not in any order of importance. Think of these as a few thoughts that popped into my head.

1. I am not alone. For many years in my disease I didn’t want to admit that I needed anyone and at the end I didn’t want to admit that I needed help. Even after starting the process of recovery it was difficult to ask for help. This was foreign territory for me, both the program and the asking for help.

2. It’s the engine that kills you, not the caboose. It never crossed my mind that the first hit or shot of something was what got my addiction going. Once I had something in my system, the obsession took over and all of my resolve disolved. I said only one, and suddenly I had ten. The first one is the deadly one that took me down the track each time. The last one, just kept me out of it a little bit longer.

3. What other people think is none of my business. This one was difficult for me to wrap my head around. I slowly came to understand that when I was worried and thinking about what others might think about me, then I was giving my will over to them so that they would like me, I was handing over my self esteem to others and praying for a pat on the head. I know now that I have to be true to myself. It’s nice if others like me, but it’s not necessary.

4. Faith will move mountains, but bring a shovel. I have learned that I am not helpless. There are many things that I can and must do to maintain my sobriety. I know I have a Higher Power who has always looked after me. I have to look after me too. To get to sobriety takes work, work that I have to do.

5. Not to decide is still a decision. I had heard this one years before, but I became an expert in the years leading up to my coming to the rooms. I just sort of let life happen. I needed to go somewhere or do something but I didn’t seem to have the energy to go or do anything. So I would let it slide. Letting it slide was my decision not to do something. I take a more proactive approach today in doing the ‘next right thing’.

6. Service will keep you sober. This one was drilled into me from day one. It took a year or so before I could begin to really understand what was happening. When I was doing ‘service’: washing coffee cups, helping to set up for meetings, greeting people as they arrived, I was getting out of my own head. My head is where the monkeys live and they like to have a circus whenever they can. Service, I have found is a way of keeping them in their cages. I get out of me and see that there is a whole other world out there.

7. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. How many times did I wake up and say: ‘I’m never doing that again!’ only to be back at it by noon. Of course I was. I wasn’t changing anything different and yet, I expected I could stay sober. Thanks to my sponsors and personal reflection, I am able to have a clearer picture of what I am doing in life. I have to do something. A change of only one degree on your bearing will drastically change where you will end up.

8. There are many paths to get to where you want to go. “Do you know that way to San Jose?” goes the song. Living in Costa Rica with it’s capital being San Jose, I can give you a definite ‘yes’, I do know the way to San Jose. There are many ways to get there. Some are more direct, others are more scenic, some require a four-wheel drive vehicle. Eventually, following these ‘ways’, you will get to San Jose. So it is with sobriety. My program is not the only way. There are many sober people in the world who do not follow the same program as I do. So it is with faith. My Higher Power works for me, and yours works for you. The point is, they all get us to where we want to go.

9. The more we learn, the more we learn how much more there is to learn. A friend of mine in the program who started out well over thirty years ago talks of a member of his group who was an old, old timer who was around when the program was in its infancy. The fellow used to say at meeting: “Folks, we’re just scratching the surface here.” I agree. When I came in I thought I knew what I was doing. Now I see a depth of faith in others in the program that I want and I know I can have if I work for it. I see understanding of the literature that goes way over my head. It is a challenge to me to keep asking questions, seeking more answers. It is a journey that I am enjoying a great deal.

10. There is no room for resentment, anger or fear in a heart full of gratitude. Gratitude takes me out of me and into the realm of the spirit. When I am grateful for all that I have been given, then the petty things of the world around me fall by the wayside. How can I hold a grudge, hate someone or worry about tomorrow when I acknowledge the many ways I have always been very blessed? I can’t. I am grateful.