Returning to the River

September 21, 2018 / Tim / 2 Comments

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, let alone sat down to write this blog. I’d like to say it’s because I was on vacation, too busy with a variety of projects or any other number of reasons other than the truth: I lost heart.

I lost heart because I allowed my ego to stand in my way, an ego that told me that what I do wasn’t making a difference. It said that what I was doing in life was’t important and I didn’t matter. It said that I really don’t matter. My ego speaks to me in many different ways but usually it does so subtly, undermining my self esteem bit by bit and bringing me down lower with each nip. Slowly I start to believe that I am worth less than I was before until I start to see myself as unworthy and then, worthless.

We usually think of ego as bravado and pride and over rating ourselves: an ego trip is where we build ourselves up way above where we are. But the opposite is also true. An ego trip can also bring us down low and into depression and despair. In both cases I am thinking only about me; I’m better than everyone else–I’m worse than everyone else. Either way, I am deep within ‘self’. And in my case, when I get into ‘self’, that’s when my disease of addiction starts to make inroads to take over.

I am grateful that I am in a recovery program that helps me to recognize when I’ve pulled the plug on the sink and am heading down and circling the drain. I know I need to stop the stream of negativity and move forward. I can start thinking about myself as I am: neither perfection nor damnation. I can remind myself that I am on a journey and that it’s up to me to take the next step and move forward or wallow in the mire. I can make the allow myself to believe that I’m stuck in the mud at the edge of the river and that this is my destination and I don’t deserve any more. But I don’t have to stay here and wallow in the muck of my own making, believing that’s all there is to life.

And so, bit by bit, I am taking back what I allowed my ego to take from me. I don’t have to do it all in one day. All I need to do is stand up and look around at where I am; I don’t want to be here so I can step up out of the muck where the land meets the river and back onto the river. I don’t have to be success and perfection: I want to head toward a destination where I am true to myself, my heart. And it all begins with a decision and an action: returning to the river.

Of Balloons and Balance

August 4, 2018 / Tim / Leave a comment

I’m discovering that my ‘self’ is a balloon and my ‘ego’ is the air in the balloon. I must constantly monitor the amount of air that I hold in my self. If I haven’t enough, I will lose my shape and be a wrinkled blob with no substance. Who wants a limp balloon? If I inflate it too much, then I can also deform it from the original shape and risk losing my ‘self’ in a terrific explosion. The trick is finding the balance that is right for me: just enough air to keep my shape. I think that when I find that point of equilibrium I discover humility.

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Whenever I run into problems, my character defects shoot the surface or I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster, I’m also discovering that it has ego at its source. I’m discovering that my ego is either underinflated or way over inflated. and I need to get it back in balance. I am who I am: no more and no less. That balance of who I am is difficult to maintain. Like a scale, it only takes a grain of sand to cause it to tip one way or the other. So I need to be constantly maintaining the balance of ego within myself.

Years ago I could solve the problems of the world all from the regal perch of a bar stool. Of course, nothing happened because I did nothing. I was an ego full of hot air. Life isn’t handed to us on the proverbial silver platter. We have to go out and make it. I was reminded this week that our Higher Power does for us that which we cannot do for ourselves. However, if we can do it ourselves, then it’s up to us to do it. (Thank you Terry) And there are a lot of challenges in this world that I am up to resolving if I get off my butt and do the work rather than pontificate and expect the results to magically appear.

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For me, it’s all part of knowing my ‘self’ and keeping my ego in check. I may not be able to move mountains with the wave of my hand, but I can still bring along a wheelbarrow and shovel. There are some things I can do to make my life, rather than waiting around for something to happen then complain when it doesn’t. I can’t do it all, but I can do my part. I don’t always get it right, but I don’t always get it wrong either and sometimes, I find the sweet spot of just the right amount of air in my balloon.

Maintaining Equilibrium

June 30, 2018 / Tim / 1 Comment

I’ve spent the last five days battling a tropical cold-flu combination that really kicked my ass. I’m on the mend now, but I know I still have to nurse myself back to health. I’ve slept more and seen more Netflix than I really wanted to this week. Those things I was planning on doing, well, they either went on or didn’t without me. Today I am going to venture out of the cocoon for a short bit and return home to relax. I’m not going to push myself. I’m not 25 and I don’t bounce back as quickly as I used to.

The experience of this week has reminded me that I still have to take care of my physical self. I’m not superman, and even he had his kryptonite. It’s a reminder as well that what happens in the body affect the mind and visa versa. And a reminder of something I learned in the rooms early on: H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

Whenever I am stretched out in some way, emotionally, physically or spiritually, whenever I am off balance, that is when I have a greater chance of succumbing to a disease be it addiction or another disease such as the flu or cold. I’ve come to see over the years that there’s a very strong mind-body-spirit connection and what happens in one area affects all other areas. I’ve also come to believe that when I am stuck in bed it’s a good time for me to reflect on what is out of balance in my life and make the necessary changes to get myself back into balance.

Soon, I know, I will be back to my normal self, going about my daily chores and routines. I know it will be easy to slip back into the patterns that can lead me right back to where disease can take over again. In order to take care of my physical body I need to take care of it by getting enough rest, eating a balanced diet, and not letting my emotions run the show. H.A.L.T. reminds me that it’s easy to get myself off track and that it’s just as easy to get back on the path.

My spiritual, mental and physical health all require balance. A violin string that is too loose doesn’t sound, if it is wound too tight, it breaks, but when it is in balance, it creates the sweetest sounds. And like the violinist checking if he’s in tune, I must check to see that there’s balance in all aspects of my life. If I want to keep on track in my heath and in my recovery, I can’t take it for granted that ‘I’m okay’, I have to work at it constantly.