Life on Life’s Terms

November 27, 2017November 26, 2017 / Tim / 3 Comments

I like to read recovery stories and go to speaker meetings where I can hear the tales of fellow addicts and their journey to and in recovery. One of my favourite stories, and I know I’m not alone, is the story “Acceptance is the Answer” found in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. It tells the tale of a doctor who drinks and prescribes himself drugs and almost destroys himself. He talks about the importance of acceptance of himself, his situation and his addiction as the answer to his problems. I’ve added a link below if you would like to read this story.

One of the things I’ve come to realize in the last week or so is that ‘acceptance’ is 100% or it is nothing. Let me explain. If I accept something, I am in total agreement with it. That doesn’t mean I have to like or love it; I may not. I may not like it, but I accept it. This for me is living life on life’s terms: accepting what is in my life. It’s not arguing with my Higher Power my partner or myself that things should be this way or that way. It is simply saying yes, that is the way it is.

Take this for an example. My car has a flat tire. My refusal to accept this would mean I keep driving and ruin the tire, probably the rim and who knows what else on the car. I have to accept the flat tire and do something about it before I can move on. I get out the jack and spare tire, or I call the auto association, because I know that I need to repair the tire before I can move on. This is acceptance. I take whatever situation I am in, I learn to deal with it and then I can move on.

The other thing that I came realized this past week is that if I have anything less than 100% acceptance, I am in resistance and fighting against what is. If I don’t completely accept the situation as it is, I am resisting it and as I’ve learned resistance is futile. What I resist will persist. With the tire example, I can choose not to accept it, but the tire won’t change itself. I can blame the car, or the road, the last person who drove it. I can lament that I didn’t put the jack in the car or call all of my friends and complain about my flat tire…and I still have a flat tire. Even if I drive slowly, I will damage the tire. I am resisting and not accepting the situation as it is.

Once I accept and change the tire, the problem goes away, it no longer persists. It’s being an active participant in my life and not passively letting things happen to me. Living life on life’s terms doesn’t mean sitting back and lamenting. It is action. It is accepting what is and working towards a resolution.

Peace.

This is a link to reading this classic story Acceptance is the Answer. Click on the link and a PDF file will open. Scroll down the “Personal Stories Part II ‘They Stopped in Time’. The story “Acceptance is the Answer” is on page 407.

Made a Decision

October 30, 2017October 30, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

I’ve discovered that making decisions is easy. It’s the follow through that is the difficult part. When you make a decision, nothing has changed except the mental determination to do something. I can say for example that I made a decision to learn Mandarin. Great! Now, can I speak Mandarin? No, of course not. Couldn’t even recognize the difference between Mandarin and Cantonese if I heard it. I will need to put in the time and effort to study and practice the language. A decision is just the first part, the easy part of making a change. The follow through is where the bulk of the work is; bringing the decision to fruition takes effort.

Decision = Committment

When we are in the process of making a decision we can often weigh the pros and con, the positive and negative aspect, and view the possible outcomes. Some require little reflection: “I’m going to get a cup of coffee.” Others are more complicated and have major repercussions depending upon the matter at hand: “I’m quitting this job.” This is the committment part. When I make a decision then I make a committment to change, to follow through, to take the next step.

I have had difficulty making decisions in the past. I would weigh, balance and ponder. I would ask advice from others. I might have meditated on it, and asked the universe for help. I would look on my past experience and forecast into the future on possible outcomes. I might mull over some decisions forever and sometimes not ever arrive at a firm decison. And often I did nothing. I couldn’t decide. I couldn’t make up my mind. What I didn’t realize was that not doing anything is also a decision. It’s a decision to maintain the status quo. Passively I had decided that how things are, was going to be okay with me. I just didn’t realize then that ‘not to decide’ is also a decision. I was committing to nothing.

“Do or do not. There is no try.” Master Yoda

I love this quote from Star Wars. I have come to realize that when I use the word “try” in my decisions, I am giving myself permission to fall short or fail. If I make a decision to loose 10 kilos, then I will keep working on whatever to loose that weight and I won’t stop until I do, however long it takes. I will diet, exercise and study how to loose the weight. If one diet isn’t working, I will try another. I will continue with my efforts until I meet with success.

If I say I’m going to try to loose 10 kilos, there is less gravitas, less seriousness in the decision. I might, I’ll make the effort at first, but I might not make it. I might fail. But you know, at least I “tried”. When I put this word into my decisions, I am lacking in committment. And then there are no consequences of not following through on the decision. “What about my diet you ask? Well, you know, I tried but I just couldn’t do it,” I reply shoving a Twinkie down my throat. See the difference? I do my best to avoid the word try in my vocabulary. Along with the words: never and always, the word try is best left to others to use.

One of the few things I disagree with in the steps is in Step Twelve. It says that we “…try to carry the message to the addict/alcoholic who still suffers.” I believe that we do carry the message. It is imperative that we do, our sobriety depends upon it. In this, I cannot try to carry the message. I do what I am able to pass it along. Whether or not that message is received is not up to me, but up to the one receiving it.

Decision = Action

Once I make a decision I then act upon it. Otherwise I was just wasting my breath. I commit to something and I work to make that happen. Commitment to a decision means perseverance until a goal is achieved. I set a goal and work toward it. I make a plan and then follow through. I am grateful to the program for what it has taught me. I know that not all decisions are easy to follow through upon. I know that some days it’s a step forward and a step back. But I also know that in order to achieve success all I need do is get up one more time than I fall.

Yes, sometimes it would be much easier to say, oh well…so much for that. I tried. But I can’t do that, especially when it comes to my sobriety. I must continue on my journey and see that my decisions, my goals are realized: “…sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

♥ ♥ ♥

Please like and share this blog. Perhaps it will give others the needed courage, strength and hope to start and continue their journey down Recovery River. I would appreciate it if you would sign up and follow as well. Please comment and offer suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace

Photo credit: Rodney Conrad

Faith Over Fear

October 26, 2017October 25, 2017 / Tim / Leave a comment

Fear. It paralyzes us. It oppresses us. It looms over our whole being. Fear of our future. Fear of illness and death. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. I could go on and on. Fear is something that keeps us cowering, immobile in the corner, unable to come out. It is pervasive in our disease of addiction. We fear we won’t have enough, we fear we will have too much. We fear the opinion of other and we fear our own thoughts about ourselves. Addicts and alcoholics don’t have the monopoly on fear, but we do have an unhealthy dose of it in our lives.

F.E.A.R. There are two acronyms that we use for fear in the groups I belong to. One is F*** Everything And Run, which is what I usually did. I couldn’t deal with the muddle of my life. I couldn’t handle confrontation. I didn’t even want to open the mail and I screened most of my calls. Running to my addiction gave me the illusion of safety; at least I didn’t have to deal with the stuff that was going on around me for now. I didn’t know how to face things. I didn’t know how others would react to what I was doing so I thought it better to do nothing.

The other acronym is Face Everything And Recover. This took me quite a while to understand and put into practice. To be honest, I’m still working on it. I am certainly a whole lot better at facing those fears I have about life. In facing them, I have discovered something for myself: discussed fears dwindle in size and intensity. If I talk to my sponsor or another member about what I fear, the very act of talking brings it down in size from the paralyzing monster that my brain had made it, to a manageable point of discussion that doesn’t seem so big any more. My brain makes mountains out of mole hills and tempests in teapots. Talking makes it right sized. I try to remember that it’s not the end of the world until it’s really the end of the world.

I also try to remember that fear is a product of my Ego. I want things to go my way, but they might not go that way. What then might I do? Then this will happen, then that and oh my, that surely won’t go my way either! You get the picture. I let my expectations of what I think should happen take over and fear tells me those expectations will miserably fail. Ego takes me for an unstoppable ride. Talking slows down the ride and helps me look at things realistically, not fantastically.

I also trust. I know that my Higher Power has always been there for me. I know that because I am here today. If that’s the case why would I think that my Higher Power will leave me hanging in the wind tomorrow? I will live through everything that comes my way until I don’t. I have faith that H.P. will be by my side even at that moment too. Besides, like worries, 95% of my fears have never materialized. I am finding that by living the program of recovery things have a way of working themselves out in ways that I could have never dreamed. Fears are fantasy. They don’t exist. Like the smoke and mirrors of a carnival, they have no substance. Permit me one final acronym? False Evidence Appearing Real. There is no reality in fear. It’s all in my head. It’s a future that I can neither know or predict.

We ask for courage in the Serenity Prayer. Courage is what we need when we still have fear. We go forward even though we don’t know what the next step might take us. We take the next step knowing that we have faith in whatever comes our way we will be able to handle. And we take another step in the knowledge fear is not conquering us, rather we are vanquishing it. Courage and faith conquer fear.

♥ ♥ ♥

Peace