Author: Tim

The Three E’s

/ Tim / 4 Comments

I have a friend in recovery who, when he talks about the root of his problems and difficulties in life, says he can always trace them back to one of the three E’s: Ego, Envy and Entitlement. Whether it’s a problem with a coworker, or partner, how he’s feeling about a situation, or even how he’s been thinking about himself, he can always find one of the three as a key source to his approach to the situation.

Ego say that this is mine and you can’t have it. Envy says that what you have really should be mine. Entitlement tells me that it’s mine and I deserve it. Of course we can boil all three down to just the one: Ego; it’s all about me. What you have should be mine and you can’t have what I’ve got.

In an of itself Ego isn’t good or bad. It’s a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. I can have an inflated sense of self, thinking I am better than another or I can have an inferior sense of who I am  When combined with the disease of addiction, or as I often hear it said, the desease of ‘more’, my sense of self is so great that everyone else is beneath me or I think the opposite where I feel I am as worthless as  whale dung on the ocean floor. Like so much else in life, it’s hard to find the balance between the extremes.

I can often find myself with the desire for what others have. I think that’s normal. It can help to motive me to change and move so that I too may share in what another has. But envy has no such desire to change. I want what you have, and I feel I’m entitled to have it. I don’t want to work for it, you should give it to me. Or, I have something and you can’t have it. As with ego, it can be inverted too where I have the feeling that I don’t deserve anything, and am worthy of nothing.

In recovery, like many other things, the trick is to find that elusive balance between the extremes. When it’s in balance, I have a sense of humility; the acceptance of who, where and what I am at this present moment. Balance is difficult to achieve. A mote of envy or a pinch of entitlement on either side can tip that balance one way or the other and start the slide down the scale and away from balance. I used to be blatantly unaware of the three E’s in my life.

Today I usually recognize when I am envious, arrogant or ego driven while I am in it, or shortly after the fact, and I can do something about it. Keeping the balance between need and desire is not easy because the river of life is full of turns and current and rapids that constantly test my sense of balance and threaten to tip me into the water. Staying in the moment helps me to deal with that which is at hand and keep myself afloat. With practice, finding the balance does get easier.

I am grateful.

Became Entirely Ready

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I didn’t give much time to Step Six when I first went through the steps. I didn’t think it needed a whole lot of thought or discussion. I had discovered my defects of character in Step Four and shared them in Step Five. So yes, I was ready to have them removed and move on with the program. I was still, perhaps, in the mode of getting through the steps as fast as possible: quantity over quality.

A couple of years ago I went through Step Six and Seven again with my sponsor. As part of the process I read the book, “Drop the Rock”, a Hazelton Publication. Here I came to learn that I missed two fundamental parts of Step Six when I first went through it. I got being prepared to let my Higher Power remove my defects of character. But I totally missed that in order to have those removed, I had to let them go. And I wasn’t quite ready for the new person that would be created as a result of this transformation.

Going through the first five steps had changed me. I was starting to like who I was again. I had learned to look into the mirror and love who was looking back. I thought I was doing pretty good with the whole recovery thing. And after seven months in recovery, I was. I just didn’t have the depth necessary in order to understand what ‘entirely ready’ really meant. Yes, I wanted to be rid of those character defects of arrogance, perfectionism and entitlement, to name a few. I wanted them gone. But wanting them gone and letting them go? I didn’t realize that those were two different things. I had to open my hands and let those things go. As the book says, I had to drop those rocks that were weighing me down and holding me back.

The other thing I didn’t realize at the time is something that is sort of understood, but not stated in the step.  In the same way that ‘could restore us to sanity’ in Step Two tells us that we were insane, here too there’s an understanding that I am going to be a different person when I have my defects of character removed. This I really didn’t consider the first time through the step. My character was made up partly by those defects of character that I wanted gone, so it made sense that I would be a different person at the end of this. But: I had to be willing to let go of the ‘me’ I knew for a ‘me’ that was new. In this step, I can’t hold onto the old me, I have to release it in the same way that I release the rest of the ‘rocks’ that hold me back and, at the same time, trust my Higher Power and the process of going through the steps would create a new and improved Tim.

Letting go of who and how I am still proves to be difficult. Every once in a while I find another part of me that needs to be worked on. It comes with living the Steps. I must be willing to leave behind as well as move forward. I am grateful that I have many examples of others who also live the steps and I can see the results in them. I know that my Higher Power will do the same for me.

 

Life on Life’s Terms

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I grew up with my fair share of stubborness. After all, I used to say, I’m half Irish and half Dutch, so being stubborn is totally infused in my blood. If I knew something to be true, it was true and that was it. Period. It was important for others to understand my point of view, which I was quite sure, was the correct one. Like most people, I tried to live life on the terms dictate by my Ego.

My Ego gave me a sense of control over the people, places and things around me. I had an education, I was a quick thinker and I could resolve problems fairly easily, so I was pretty sure that I was right most of the time. Oh sure, once in a while I might make a mistake; I am human after all. I was pretty sure that I was doing fine and that the world was in the wrong in a lot of cases. But somehow, with my bright mind and sense of right and wrong I ended up at the doors of a meeting room looking for help.  Something was wrong and it had taken me a lot of years to realize it.

Living life on Life’s terms means two things for me today. First, this little gem reminds me that I am not in control of the people and events around me. I never was. My circle of control is about as large as I can swing my arms about myself, though in reality, I’m learning that it extends maybe to the tip of my nose. I can only control how I react and respond to the people, places and things around me. I’m learning that I can’t even control my thoughts. They just seem to pop into my head. What I do with those thoughts is up to me.

Life on Life’s terms is secondly, about acceptance. It is realizing that I am not right all of the time, probably most of the time. It is accepting that I can see only one facet of a situation. It is seeing that truth is fluid and changes with new discoveries in life. The only certainties in life are that there is no certainty, and that we don’t get out of here alive.

Acceptance of life on Life’s terms isn’t about being a door mat or about giving up on life because I can’t do anything about it. It’s about living a life of integrity with the realization that I have limited control and that I don’t have all of the answers. I go forward and I will make mistakes and I will learn. Things will happen to me and those I love that I won’t like and I can get through them.

Life is not perfect in the sense that everything isn’t rainbow, butterflies and unicorns. Life on Life’s terms gives me a perspective for living that make life easier to live. I can allow life to flow along and enjoy it as it happens. I can observe those things which interest me and stay more in the moment, dropping past resentments and fears of the future. I trust the process of life and know that the river of life will always let me float along.